I know my line breaks are...well, "distinctive." They have been known to bother people. When they work, they really work. But for me the way I break the lines is often the only way TO break the lines. So I try and consider them part of my "style" and in the meantime try to learn more and experiment with them. Edit: I know I have a tendency to write lines that drive up towards a tension and then break before the tension - the subject, perhaps? - resolves. I think that's what people don't like.
That's how I would do - just playing - much more to respond to in your post, of course, but not right now. A relationship
is as simple as locking
eyes with someone across
a crowded room. That beautiful
someone you imagine the rest
of your life with
for the rest of the day.