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Congrats on the weight loss, great work! In regards to your other goals, I don't know if it'll help your peace of mind but I can make an analogy to music composing. I'll often start off a new piece and anywhere from the the first 1-10 proper sessions will sound like shit. I wont like how it sounds. It makes me feel incompetent. I want to give up. But after a while of chipping away, remodelling, and experimenting, an idea that works starts to emerge. The failed musical experiments act as stepping stones to the successful experiments, and so through to the working idea. Though the process may not be enjoyable, it is necessary. They say you can't polish a turd but having some manure sure helps fertilise the soil.