(I have assumed you are in Russia, since you are using WebMoney?)

I read one thing between the lines of your message... grasping. You are trying to reach out and catch something that is elusive... and that thing keeps eluding your grasp.

But you don't "catch" friends. Like sitting in a park with birdseed in your hand, you need to be available, still, comfortable, and then the birds will come to you.

I'm assuming a lot about you, but all I have to go on is this black text on a white background... but what I see is someone who is not sure of who they are, of what value they are, and yet wants other people to see what you yourself can't even see. That's a tall order.

My suggestion is that you start volunteering. Go to your local food bank and volunteer. Find a local theater and volunteer there. Organizations like this are always in need of help, and are a great place to improve yourself. As you help others, you help yourself. And you discover things about yourself. And you get to see how OTHER people see you, and connect with you.

And - quite honestly - these kinds of organizations always have "weirdos", and know how to deal with them. So your awkwardness won't be a problem. And as people support you, and show you gratitude for your help, that will help you find your inner value, pride, and help you become strong in your self.

And keep talking. Keep communicating. Keep reading.

Like fitness, it is a process that takes time and effort, but the payoffs are immeasurable.

I wish you good luck and much progress!