Some of that shit is fucking impossible to get at, though. There's also this idea that you can show up to someone's driveway and do a compression test and it's just fucking laughable. You're basically asking a stranger to sit in his driveway with a trunk full of tools for two hours because - wait for it - you don't trust them.

- Even tire wear: it's either "even" or the bike went sideways. A bike with lopsided tire wear is an unridable bike and you'll determine that quickly. All you can really check is if he spent any time on the sidewalls. In some cases you'd rather have uneven wear (look up "chicken strips motorcycle" if you don't believe me).

- Condition of fluids: take it for a ride. If the brakes are spongy, then you know the brakes are spongy. If you know the oil is black you know the oil is more than 500 miles old. THAT'S IT. Listen: I've got $1500 worth of brand-new Brembo on the Benelli. New RCS masters, new pads, new stainless lines, new DOT4 fluid, new $150 each Rizoma reservoirs, new hoses. In the time since I put all that on it's been ridden 500 miles... and sat under a cover outside for six months. Know what? The fluid turned brown. Your boyfriend would actually mark me DOWN for that. More than that, I've made it easier for him to do so 'cuz my reservoirs are useful:

But how brown is too brown? What color makes you happy? What color makes you sad? 'cuz DOT3 and DOT4 are different colors. Fuck - if it's got new brake fluid that means the dude just replaced the fluid... perhaps to hide the fact that the pistons are leaking.

- Check air filter: On my KLR you'd need an hour to get to the air filter. On the Benelli, even if you promised to do it, even if you promised to give me a thousand dollar deposit, I'd tell you to fuck right off and get out of my driveway. To get to the air filter you need to remove the seat, the tank, the side fairings, loosen the handlebars, remove the carb horns, and then get out the special ball-end long Allen extension I had to order from Amazon and then get it all back together again and that involves placing tension in just the right place and not stripping out some of the mounts.

- compression test: I've never owned a bike that I could get to the spark plugs in less than an hour. And like I'm going to let you, you monkey, anywhere near my aluminum head and iridium spark plugs. And like you'll learn anything about a single unless you own the shop manual, and like you'll get consistent results having never worked on my bike before in your life. Backintheday you could do a compression test to learn something about a big stupid American V-8 and it still took an hour on like a '66 mustang where everything is out and visible like Slim Fucking Goodbody.

-wear on chain and sprockets (if there's a chain): What does that even mean? Check the tension? Do you know what the tension is supposed to be? The KLR was built like an AK-47 and needed to be sloppy as fuck. On the Benelli, the difference between 15mm slack and 13mm slack is "won't shift" and "slips out of gear." Measured where? Well, not where the shop manual says. The shop manual, by the way, gives you an integer, not a range. So good luck with that.

-drive with no handlebars to check steering Agreed. But then, if you've never ridden one before you'll have no idea what you're looking for and minor shit won't show up this way, just a bike that's been hammered to shit. I fixed a friend's bike that had been in an accident bad enough that we needed to change out the forks and triple tree and even with a bent center tube it rode like a dream. This is a collision bad enough to invoke a pickup and four guys to get it out of there.

-make sure all electrical works by turning all on (don't believe if the seller says that it's just a burned fuse, electrical work is the worst): Apparently your boyfriend has never done valve work. Or brake work. Or clutch work. But yes. make sure the turn signals work. That's not usually the stuff that goes south, but sure.

-ask if cables have been changed on 15 years + bikes (change before you ride if seller did not) My KLR ate clutch cables every 5,000 miles and never did a thing to the throttle. The Benelli ate a clutch cable at 8,000 miles and it was such a bear to deal with that I swapped it out for hydraulic. Cables go, cables don't, and it has nothing to do with age.

-pay attention on scratches on bar ends, foot pegs and fuel tank and exhaust : bike involved in past accidents are a bad sign, especially if the owner tries to hide it from you.: They won't though. They've ridden motorcycles, you haven't. Either they'll repair the damage or they won't. if they do, you'll never know. 80% of new motorcycles are dropped within the first 6 weeks and you know what? Most of the time it's fine. Me and that KLR went over 3 times at speed and you wouldn't know 'cuz it was nerfed out like crazy. Me and that Benelli went over once at speed and $1500 in parts later it was as good as new (and that's with crash bobbins).

-ask when battery was last changed: Like the answer will mean something. Either it will start or it won't. If it won't, pay less. If it will, expect to put in a new battery within the next year or so anyway because lead acid motorcycle batteries suck. Lithiums barely cost more, weigh 20% and give you twice the CCA.

Apart for the compression test, it's all doable without equipment beyond a screw driver.

And this is just utterly preposterous. I've got a $200 torque wrench for the Benelli and I wish I had it when I had a KLR. I needed to make wrenches to make it easier to get to the spark plug on the KLR.

Usually when you show up to buy a used bike they ask for payment in full, let you take it for a ride, and then if you don't like it, give you your money back. Anyone willing to put up with your boyfriend's list is selling the thing for so much over market value that he'll put up with a bottomless list of indignity. Me? Fuck right off. I gave 8 people test rides on the KLR before it sold. Which means the hypothetical dude with the wrench? He's got 7 other guys who are less dickish about it and I'm happy to sell to them over him.