It's been humbling to learn that "chronic illness" means that you try again and again but unlike anything normal, you do not get stronger, you do not get better, you do not improve incrementally. What it means is that you fail, every time, sometimes more, sometimes less, but that every single effort you make at improving things just leaves you exhausted and defeated. But you have to do it. It's either that, or spiral downward. It feels like treading water as the ceiling closes in.

I'm stuck in the dichotomy of being healthy enough to run not-quite-two-miles at a time but not so healthy that running not-quite-two-miles won't wipe me out for the next 48 hours. Is it a good day? Is it a bad day? Why the fuck isn't my endurance back? Actually took my temperature during yoga today to see if maybe I had COVID again. Nope. 95 degrees. Why the fuck am I still coughing.

Because I'm still coughing. And my endurance is still shit. And you give it your all and your all is so much less than it used to be and no matter how many times you reach for the goal it just gets further away.

Fukkit I'm starting baicalin again. It's abundantly clear that every medical professional out there is just looking for an excuse to tell you why you should never leave your house again and equally clear that the COVID consensus is the tower of goddamn Babel.

This. This is how we end up with tooth powder to protect us from Halley's Comet.