Is it the super-bitchin' FlashExpress guy? I hear those are super-awesome. I looked at 'em long and hard when it was time to upgrade the last toaster oven that died.

So... I should have known this but I didn't? You can have metal in a microwave oven if it's grounded. Which opens up some possibilities. And I kinda knew this but I forgot, because we had one? Initial microwaves were dumbly expensive because they used to rotate the magnetron, not the food. Drawer microwaves are still expensive because they do.

A "speed oven" is an overhead grilling element, plus a microwave oven, plus a dedicated convection element with blower. Not only that, but it's all linked together in a burn-out schedule like a damn kiln. Not only that, but they've got temperature probes built in.

So while you could put a turkey breast in the microwave to cook the inside, then broil it for two minutes to sear the skin, then bake it for ten minutes to get it fully up to temperature then run five minutes of convection to get it crispy, you could also fold out five large, stab it with your temperature probe and pull up "turkey breast" on your phone and have the gadget do all that shit for you, comparing how the interior temperature is rising compared to its burn-out schedule. Is it going to be better than one you just bake? It bloody well better be is all I'm saying.

Let's be honest. I'm not putting in a goddamn double oven. I'm not giving up counter space to a microwave. I'm not giving up more counter space to a toaster oven. I'm putting in a thirteen thousand dollar stack of Miele because every appliance vendor I've dealt with in the past twenty years has been shit except LG and Miele, and Miele is hella more awesome than LG. And Miele doesn't sell microwaves. They sell speed ovens.

We decided to go induction because it's energy-efficient and cool and we haven't owned anything aluminum or non-stick since Clinton was president. But my wife didn't like the fact that everything lights up red except Samsung, Wolf and Gagganau. And Samsung is Samsung ('nuff said) and Gagganau is Bosch ('nuff said) and Wolf is made in America.

And I had to sit with that for a while.

But you know what? I turned a tiny amount of money into an obscene amount of money and now that I'm spending it, it's all going to

- a crab fisherman

- union electricians

- union HVAC guys

- union plumbers

...in order to restore a pedigreed architectural gem. And if that means I have to cook on boujie appliances... well, wherever the hell you are, _wage, fuck off.