Same way they'd get you to simmer down at summer camp: sit down and shut up. Now for the details:

the proper sitting stance is the full lotus. However it's more important to get seated than to worry about an ideal stance. You can start out by grabbing a pillow (to raise your butt a little above your feet) and placing it on the floor a couple feet from a wall. Sit with one leg folded over the over and the pillow behind you (not you fully on the pillow), facing the wall. Then fold your hands in your lap and get your spine as straight.

By the way, set a timer for twenty minutes. Leave your watch off, set your phone in another room and on silent. If your phone is your timer, even better that it be in another room. Be in the meditation for the whole time. This removal will help with being mindful.

Okay, now you count breath. Focus your eyes on a point on the wall (a lovely crack, bug smear, whatever) and keep them open. Breathe in and out on a long, simple beat. Count one on the inhale, two on the exhale, then three up to ten.

Here comes the first important part. If you lose track of your count, start over. Don't feel guilty or get hung up -- just count on one again. When you get distracted, start the count over. If you mind drifts instead of listening to the count and your breath as if they were the loudest and safest things around, start the count over.

That is really it.

When you first start, it's crazy hard. You want to use the time or think about something. You want a reason to stop. There isn't much going on.

Right.

Buddhism, much like Christianity, has involved a movement from one nation to another. It too has evolved and shed trappings. However it solves a different need, one that does not prevent a person from sticking with another religious or secular community. It's about accepting nothing, being comfy in the void. You're gonna die, folks are gonna suffer. The sooner you figure out your place in the suffer-scape, the sooner you can be useful to it.

Warning: I am not a trained teacher. I'm just a dude. I spent time sitting, asked some questions, had some insights.

If you want to learn more, read Philip Kapleau's classic *Three Pillars of Zen, available used for $8 or so in lots of used bookstores. Ask me and I'll come with a lot more resources about the history of Buddhism, Ch'an and Zen (the huge Taoist revamp that China gave Buddhism), stuff like that.

But first, have a sit. Then have another.