THE PROBLEM:

We called it "trading season" - that era from about 25 to about 29 when your dating pool started filling up with divorcees. When half your friends said "fuck it, I'm going to grad school." Shit, my wife bailed on "software architect at a multinational accounting firm" for "midwife" in her late '20s and it was a long-ass slog. Hell, my cousin decided she was no longer a lesbian at 25, then changed her mind at 27, then changed her mind again at 29. Her ex-girlfriend was her best man at her wedding. Not even a unique situation for me - I've been to three weddings with similar complications.

It comes from the pernicious American habit of smearing "adulthood" across ten years or more. Used to be you were hale and healthy, you went through some ritual and POP you're an adult. Go have kids, go hunt for the tribe, go plow the land. Now we've got:

- Somewhere between 12 and 18 - can get married (depending on state)

- Somewhere between 12 and 18 - can get married without parental consent (depending on state)

- Somewhere between 15 and 16 - can get a driver's license

- Somewhere between 15 and 21 - can get a driver's license without a zero tolerance DUI rider

- Somewhere between 17 and 18 - can enlist in the military

- 18 - compelled to enlist in the military, can vote, can buy cigarettes

- 19 - can drink if you're near Canada

- 20 - can drink if you're near Mexico

- 21 - can drink

- 25 - can rent a car without your parents cosigning

My wife and I have a kid. She's a toddler. My wife's cousin is a year older than my wife. She's got a kid with a kid. My wife has a medical practice. My wife's cousin has a 500 acre dairy farm. Who's the adult?

THE SOLUTION:

Just be mindful.

1) Kids. Some people put a lot of thought into it. Some people don't. By empirical measures everyone loses except the kids; by anecdotal measures everybody wins. My little bundle of joy decided 5am was a great time to get up this morning. That sucked. But she's adorable, and vastly more interactive than a cat. Based on what I've observed, having kids is hella easier if you have a partner to have kids with and that if that relationship isn't rock solid before the kid, the kid ain't exactly gonna cement things. The search term you're looking for is not "biological clock" but "advanced maternal age" because the former is a euphemism and the latter is a epidemiological consideration (and even then, a much more minor one than most people think). Educated white women have kids massively later than any other demographic. That's just the world we live in, young'un.

2) Career. How do you want to spend your afternoons? Not on weekends, not on holidays, but on Tuesdays. What do you want to do with your time? That's your career. Not what you're doing now? Figure out how to get there. I've had a long line of hobbies that have become careers and may well continue to do so. Friend of mine put things pretty starkly last year. He was being pursued to head up a division at a major agency. His wife pointed out that he was fucking miserable the last time he was at an agency and that if they didn't make serious fuck-you money at this job it wouldn't be worth it 'cuz he'd be burnt out in a few years. Talking millions. Which he got. And they're miserable. Sleep deprived, childless, no time for their dogs. He was a lot happier at a smaller firm. Which leads to:

3) Money. THEY'RE LYING TO YOU. I'm serious. The entire financial system is predatory, designed to make your capital available to sharks. As Steinbeck said, "insurance is bought by poor people and sold by rich ones." I recognize this is a radical statement to make, but the wake up - go to job - do someone else's bidding - go home - watch TV - collect paycheck from 2/3rds of waking life to cover expenses for 1/3rd of waking life system is fucking bullshit and the only reason this information isn't more common is if everybody realized it we'd be living in the 1700s again.

You wanna be a poet. I think we can both agree without hurting anyone's feelings that slotting your chosen career into your chosen financial plan is going to be challenging. Which means you either need to find another way to make money or you need to find a way to make do with less.

Read this book. Although the basic premise is "mooch off your parents until you've earned enough to live off your farm" it's got a very different take on "money" which I found rather refreshing. Read this one, too. Before Elizabeth Warren was darling of the Left she was an economics professor who wrote a book about how the entire economy of the United States has been tilted towards making people work harder for shit they don't need to the point that they now need that shit.

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"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

- Mark Twain

One dissipates a crisis by examining it dispassionately, accepting the things one cannot change and changing the things one cannot accept. You're a clever girl. You don't need to figure out what you want now. Have the faith in yourself that you've decided what you have isn't what you want and that it's well worth the exploration.

When Robert DeNiro was your age he was a boom operator. William Monahan didn't publish his first novel until he was 40, then went on to write Kingdom of Heaven and The Departed.

25? If you're not rethinking things at 25 you aren't paying attention. Just give it the forethought it deserves and it'll all work out great.