At first I had this whole post marked up talking about someone whom I thought was my first love. But then I wiped it out. Because I realized that I wasn't in love - rather, I was infatuated by the fact that a girl was actually nice to me. In reality, we were totally incompatible. We had nothing in common. Where I had drive, she was too content to do...nothing. We only broke off talking to each other a few weeks ago. It was then that I realized that being in one another's company severely damaged me as a person.

I'm still recovering from it. And I went from having that one person I could talk to about anything, who I never fought with, whom, right under my family, held a special place in terms of people I care about (which is not an easy spot to earn), to not having that person at all. My phone is useless now. I leave it across the room because the one person I actually used the phone to talk to is gone.

Since then I've done a lot of self-reflection. And I've felt strange. I had a conversation with my roommate about "having a girlfriend," and we both sort of realized that we were content with not having one. I mean, when I think about it - actually having a girlfriend, whom I've fallen for - I don't know what the hell we'd even do. That's the part that's made me feel strange this whole time. The previous girl and I talked, but, that was pretty much it. The occasional movie, maybe. We once went to an Art Museum. And while at the time I can say I enjoyed myself, I'm not sure what "the point" was.

I'm both afraid and perfectly fine with the fact that I've become complacent with being alone. I feel as if I'm too boring/different to even engage in a relationship again, because if I were placed in one, I'm not sure what I would do. A difficult pill to swallow, but I seem to be handling it well.

I think I've gotten off topic from the point. But I guess that's the story of my "first love" - realizing she wasn't, and then realizing that I don't know if I even need to meet her.