i am strongly hit with apathy and sadness to the point where small setbacks break me up emotionally - i can't function very well day to day and i have been having suicidal thoughts / thoughts along the lines of "i am very tired and i don't want to keep going - it would be nice to fall and die off of something or walk into traffic"

i think i have decided that i hate the winter or at least what happens during the winter because the winter brings holidays and false interactions with family - it's like it would almost be easier to just go no contact in some respects because the more positive and closer i get with my family the more i can see the poison in our interactions - the distance that we still have between each other just poisons us when we're together and it's a terrible feeling to have to put on a smile or laugh when you're upset or something's fucked

a lot of things are fucked still; i'm questioning whether i am making progress when i keep catching myself 'back here' mentally, in the pit

i don't know what's in the cards for me after i graduate next spring other than continuing to leech off of the generosity of other people while i hang out in the pit some more - i feel guilty when i spend money on rent or food because it's not my money, it's my parents' money, and i'm already using so much of it to go to school. i don't think i deserve the luck that i have had in my life to be born fully supported and able to leech when there are people who deserve it more than i do

i feel utterly trapped and i think the biggest change mentally for me is that over the past year or so i have been soul searching too much in the sense that i opened a lot of doors of emotion that were shut for a reason - namely that i can't hack it with all this stuff floating around my head and not being able to repress it, but for better or worse i can't keep all these thoughts back - maybe that'll be good if i can make it out but it is really just consuming me

man i'm tired. it's hard to stay lucid. i keep making decisions without knowing whether i'm doing the right thing, and it seems like at least from a short-term perspective, i keep picking the wrong option. i don't want to get back on antidepressants because i don't want to have an excuse to be static. i don't want to be happy when things are clearly wrong, because i'm so afraid that i will never have the life that i want to have if i have this crutch keeping me happy: it's like new paint on rotten wood. at the same time, the reason i got off antidepressants was because i was still unhappy - but was i better off? i just feel really stupid and scared to make things worse

the upshot is that i'm flickering back and forth between empty and full, where "empty" is lucid and productive, but emotionless and disconnected feeling; and "full" is overwhelmed by anger and sadness and neither is a real relief from the other. but i am tired of being alive like this