If you don't parent, your kids will parent themselves. I turned out okay but I can't help looking back at all the lost opportunities. Many of my peers, on the other hand, are dead or in prison.
I have a lot of theories about parenting, actually, but they're all based on my experience as a son. I'm hesitant to share them because I'm not a father. But I await the challenge.If you don't parent, your kids will parent themselves.
I'm trying to figure out how true this is.
At a basic level, there must be food. There must be shelter. There must be love, there must be fulfillment. If parents do not provide this, kids will seek it out. It may come from an uncle, it may come from a neighbor, it may come from the mailman, it may come from within. I was raised that no matter what, don't involve grownups. I had a place to sleep and there was food in the fridge but everything else was pretty much fend for yourself. Which was actually preferable to "family functions" where I mostly wished I was alone. So my "parenting" was an ad-hoc self-run tutorial. Not all kids will instinctively avoid parental figures like I did. But when the basic lessons one would get from a parent aren't coming from a parent, the kids will find places to get them. Television. Video games. Friends. Whatever. I've had a kid for 10 months now and I gotta say - it has been far less impactful on my life than having a motorcycle or having an SLR camera. She's totally awesome and I love her to bits but she's presented exactly zero surprises so far. You've been around kids and parents your entire life - if you don't have a few theories by now you need to pay better attention.
So was I. Young parents, first and only child, poor, the works. Without getting too personal, I think my parents did a lot of things wrong. I don't enjoy being with them and I don't enjoy family gatherings, and I think that's a signal that there was something wrong. On the other hand, I'm an adult, and I know a lot of people my age that aren't. And I've always wondered exactly how much of that is internal and how much is external (from them). And I've further wondered if it's actually possible to balance your parenting so that your children grow up independent and intelligent without losing their respect and love. It's got to be. I hope and think it is. I also do not think I will have children until I'm at least 30. On one side is the chance to still be young when your kids are relatively grown, and on the other is not fucking everything up through life inexperience. I don't know. That's the short version.I was raised that no matter what, don't involve grownups. I had a place to sleep and there was food in the fridge but everything else was pretty much fend for yourself. Which was actually preferable to "family functions" where I mostly wished I was alone. So my "parenting" was an ad-hoc self-run tutorial.
I hope and think so too, but I also think a big part of striking that balance is basically 3rd party influence. It seems to me that it's much easier to get partway to basically teaching a child responsibility (but not so far along that they start to resent you) and then hand it off to a really good teacher. In my personal experience, that happened because my friends sold me on a summer camp directed by a somewhat crotchety old man who taught me about work and its values, but I'm sure there's other ways for kids or parents to seek out great teachers.And I've always wondered exactly how much of that is internal and how much is external (from them). And I've further wondered if it's actually possible to balance your parenting so that your children grow up independent and intelligent without losing their respect and love. It's got to be. I hope and think it is.
This makes me nervous. I understand that there may be few surprises, but it should have changed your life more than a camera or a vehicle. You have to change your life for a family. I suppose if you lived a very family-friendly life before hand, but you should still be changing some.I've had a kid for 10 months now and I gotta say - it has been far less impactful on my life than having a motorcycle or having an SLR camera.
Sez who? And how? And why? You feel like justifying your statement before wringing your hands in an oh-so-concerned fashion and dictating by fatwah that I must be a bad parent because I'm not finding it some life-altering experience? Or are you just stating your concern because you're just like that?
Well partially both. I feel like creating and shaping the life of a human should affect your life more than a camera. No matter how nice the camera or how little intervention you think is needed to parent. The kid is 10 months old so right now all you have to do is keep it alive and you've done your job. But a camera will never wake you up in the middle of the night, so already right there if you are stopping in the middle of your sleep, or whatever you're doing throughout the day to take care of it it will probably change your life. (Unless your Significant other does all of it). I'm thinking you were maybe exaggerating with the comparison to a camera or a motorcycle. Later in it's life (or probably right now) you will be less able to go to parties, stay out late with friends, get drunk by yourself. You will have to teach it to read and walk and to be a good person which takes a significant chunk of time. As well as to just spend time with it, which is probably different then how you currently spent your time, unless you spend a lot of time playing with lego or playing catch.
Presumes that I'm not a caring individual with responsibilities already. I did not say that I did not care for my child, I said that having a child had not changed my life. Presumes that in order to function as a parent I must alter my outlook and behavior in order to care for a child. Are you fucking kidding me? So she's like a philodendron - give her water and sunlight and she'll be fine? My wife is a midwife. She delivers babies for a living. I mix sound for a living, often in the middle of the night. Our sleep schedule was unconventional to begin with. Yes, she wakes us up - but lots of things wake us up. It's a matter of degree, not a matter of fundamental change. And yes - a camera will wake you up on the middle of the night. That's the best way to get sunrises and missile launches out at Vandenberg. No. I was making the point that someone who does not have children, but who has thought about having children, is likely to have a better understanding of the tasks of having children than someone who has one but didn't really think about it. For example, I suspect having a kid is going to rock your fuckin' world. Presumes I was somehow irresponsible before and now must be responsible. We have long since had the house that other people come over to and we have a number of people happy to take our daughter when we have a night out. Not only that, but when the wife needs to be somewhere I take the kid and when I need to be somewhere she does. Again - we were responsible adults before we had a kid and we're responsible adults after. Having a child did not put us in OH SHIT LIFECHANGING mode. You don't teach kids to walk. Nor do you teach them to be good people. You provide them a safe place to observe the examples of those around them and guide them on their journey to knowledge. Which all illustrates my initial point: people who have thought about parenting are likely to come into parenting as if they have a clue. Their lives are less likely to be radically changed. People with no attempt at understanding child rearing ("teach it to walk") are likely to be positively gobsmacked. You're still making an awful lot of insulting assumptions about my life, based on a paltry understanding of me or the subject at hand. It's offensive, just so you're aware.I feel like creating and shaping the life of a human should affect your life more than a camera.
No matter how nice the camera or how little intervention you think is needed to parent.
The kid is 10 months old so right now all you have to do is keep it alive and you've done your job.
But a camera will never wake you up in the middle of the night, so already right there if you are stopping in the middle of your sleep, or whatever you're doing throughout the day to take care of it it will probably change your life.
I'm thinking you were maybe exaggerating with the comparison to a camera or a motorcycle.
Later in it's life (or probably right now) you will be less able to go to parties, stay out late with friends, get drunk by yourself.
You will have to teach it to read and walk and to be a good person which takes a significant chunk of time.
You are very easily offended. I just think that having a kid shouldn't be something that you seem relatively uninterested in. I'm not saying that you have to go into "OH SHIT LIFECHANGING mode" because you were irresponsible. But having a dog can change your life so raising a kid should. It seems like how you are talking about it that you expect it to figure everything out on their own, maybe you don't completely teach a kid to walk but you encourage it. And you teach about reading and science and open it's mind up to a whole universe of possibilities. This is a thing you wouldn't be doing if you weren't a parent, thus changing your life.
You're not alone on that point, and don't be too hesitant to share; we're here to discuss things, not tear people apart. You may not be a father, but that shouldn't stop you from voicing your theories, because if you don't, you limit the potential for feedback and constructive criticism about them.