This is a rough question, you know? But intriguing.

Compared to most people, I've had an easy life, lived in a great environment, and had a healthy upbringing. Nonetheless, pain is relative, right? No matter the background, everyone has baggage. I know what many of my hangups and personal issues are, but I can't say that I know where most- if any of them- stem from. May as well dive into it.

I am an exceptionally hard-working and driven person. This is a large part of my personal identity, and a trait to which I can attribute most of my successes. However, I have found that no matter how deserving I am of something (someone's attention, approval, an award, a job, a leadership role, etc) I have a gnawing feeling of guilt and inadequacy. I rarely feel that I am genuinely deserving of anything or anyone, and I think that causes some problems. However, I think it also keeps me constantly motivated to improve myself and become more deserving and qualified in every aspect of my life.

I also find that I have A LOT of trouble dealing with the past. I dwell and dwell and dwell. I get mild anxiety attacks and have nightmares regarding latent fears and insecurities that stem from minor events or discomforts from my past or the past of my S.O. I recognize the absurdity of this, and how important it is to let go and ignore things that are no longer relevant. But acknowledging that sort of thing on a cognitive level, and feeling it on an emotional level are very different things.

The third main thing that comes to mind is my constant desire to prove myself. I'm short. I'm not super short, but I'm a bit below average, and for most of my childhood and adolescence, I was more significantly undersized compared to my peers. This lead to my fair share of being bullied and and all the fun things that come along with that. Luckily, being a very successful middle school and high school wrestler helped me to boost my confidence and be less bothered by this. Still, I often find myself feeling as though my masculinity, toughness, competence, adulthood, etc, are being challenged, when, in reality, nobody is challenging anything. So I spend a lot of emotional and mental energy worrying about how others perceive me in those ways, even though I know that's a ridiculous thing on on which to expend any energy at all.