My little guide to vice and gluttony in SF:

Friday night

around 6 or 7 go for a walk around the Tenderloin. No one will hurt you, nothing will happen, it's scarier than it looks, I promise. Just stride confidently, people may inquire about the purchase of illicit goods, but just ignore them. Once you have a good pace going, try and find a european family with luggage walking around, mouths ajar and confused as all hell, and walk just past them, but say in front. They, seeing that you are not a typical resident of this neighborhood, will try and follow you away from the chaos, but you need to lead them in circles. It is very entertaining, I it works every time.

A lot of people try and rent hotels right next to the most pricey area of the city to visit (Union Square), and end up in the poorest area of SF (The Tenderloin), thinking they have gotten a great deal. Which they have.

You can say in the TL, get some thai or a greasy ass burger from Pearl's, then pop in to Aunt Charlies for some crazy cheap and strong mixed drinks and enjoy the drag show (bring some $1's and show your love).

OR

Hustle over to Chinatown, get some decent food there (don't go anywhere passing out flyers), and go to Li Po Lounge and get a strong ass mai tai and try not to fall down after you stand up.

If you stay out later than that, and are feeling brave, take a cab to the Endup, where that one party in 1999 never stopped.

Saturday

If you feel like being chill, grab a burrito in the Mission from Cancun, walk over to Dolores, have a seat, and people watch. Eat some ice cream if you can handle the line (at CREAM or Bi-Rite). The Mission has plenty to explore, comic book stores, a pirate shop, graffiti, hella mexican food and maybe get a sweet sacred geometry tattoo while eating a kale sandwich. Or day drink in the dark ass Elbo Room.

Alternatively:

You could also check out Golden Gate (it is very nice, actually), the Cal Academy is okay, but not great and kinda pricey. I haven't been to the DeYoung, but the art scene here is kind meh. Then go to Shanghai Dumpling King and stuff your face (BYOB, by the way). Then head north (Sutro Baths is okay, but kinda lame and overrun) so you can go to Baker's Beach and spot the nudists, then hike around the Presidio for a bit. Also, I think you can rent a bike and ride across the Golden Gate bridge.

And also:

Go to Japantown and take some kawaii-ass purikura pictures of yourself with a cupcake and a international-only DVD of some obscure anime followed by some dope sushi from Ino or some Ramen. St. Mary's cathedral nearby is one of the most beautiful buildings ever, and if there's a choir performing, you should go.

AiWeiWei has an exhibit on Alcatrez, I haven't been yet, but I've heard it's great. You can buy tickets here. Don't try to go during the weekend, it's probably sold out, but even during the week, buy tickets in advance.

Do not go to Fisherman's Wharf. Do not go to the Marina. Do not go to the Castro at night. Do not go to the Haight at all.