PERSPECTIVE

When ridiculous amounts of your time is devoted to proving you're worthy, the only natural response is to question your worthiness. Consider how much of your current environment is composed of assaults on your credibility. "Should we let you in? Should we give you money? Should we give you the time of day? Why?"

Know who doesn't doubt themselves in those situations? Sociopaths.

So veen has been helping me lo these many months perform a GIS analysis on my wife's business. Without getting into too much detail, she should get about 3 births per year by pure geographic allocation (no. of midwives, no. of births per year, percentage population within the target demo of any given zip code... it was some intense shit). By pure geographic allocation, our new site should be getting 84 births per year.

Sounds great, right? Looking at it that way we should be increasing my wife's business by a factor of, like, 30. And I've got 20 pages of analysis. I can tell you more about the demographics of home birth than probably anybody on the West Coast. Yet I'm freaking balls about failure because it counts.

The fact that my wife does 20-30 births a year RIGHT NOW, not 3, doesn't help. The fact that I've facebook-stalked every competitor up here to the point where I know my calcs are within 10% doesn't help either. Why? Pure, irrational doubt.

Perspective is that thing you get when you're far enough away from the problem to see it clearly. Focus is that thing you get when you're so deep in the shit that all you have are the details. For any given problem you can have focus or perspective but never both and I think you'll find that we usually select correctly.

Breathe deep, bust ass and trust in your skillz. After all, the only power you have over the situation is whether or not you choose to excel.

People who suffer from imposter syndrome are usually very good at what they do. Self-criticism is how you get good at anything. It's the stuff you're complacent about that bites you.

Yes. In my real-world day-to-day job, quite a lot. Used to be constantly. Over the years I have realized, through repeated execution & work, that I really am good at the kind of work I have to do day-to-day, though that doesn't necessarily translate to being good at work on any given day.

In poetry I don't but I think that's because so much of my writing is about meeting my own expectations and no one else's. I also do it for pleasure so I am always trying to do my best. At work I feel imposter syndrome sometimes because I feel like I am not trying very hard, I am just managing to out-perform my peers, which are two very different things. I can turn in "crap" work so long as it checks certain boxes and be lauded; I think this lends to feeling like an imposter. However, at the same time, an environment where it is easy for someone to succeed/exceed their peers or metrics with minimal effort certainly does not encourage that someone to push to put forth more than that - the minimum or just above.

For me I think the imposter effect and the Dunning Kreuger effect must be linked in some way. The more aware you are of how well a task can be executed, the more you will see your flaws, even if those flaws become less severe in magnitude as your skill (and knowledge of the ideal execution) increase(s). I guess the missing step is where does a person go from knowing exactly how something should be done and how their execution is less than ideal, to thinking that because of this gap they must be faking it on some level. I surmise it occurs when there is a disconnect between the fawning audience's and the critical performer's opinions of the set (or show, or etc).

A lot of dedicated practice for your friend's recital certainly would not hurt your performance when the time comes. However, I would want to make sure that, in your throes of imposter syndrome, you do not spend that time fixating on small flaws only you are likely to notice and in so doing overlook larger or more pressing areas of opportunity for you or the piece.

Also of course if it's your friend's recital, and not yours, the pressure's on her performance way over yours. That may explain some of it?

The mind is a tricky devil and it is not always your friend. Don't allow the feeling of being a fake or fraud take over; don't give it credence or let it take root, if you can. It'll probably always be there, but that doesn't mean it's right. I like to remember that paranoia is really a twisted form of flattery and self-importance, when I get into my head: imposter syndrome is a way to tell ourselves we aren't worthy, don't fit in, or don't deserve objects/positions/awards, etc that, in truth & for the most part, we have earned and do merit.

The feeling is like a babbling voice: you can't help but hear it, however you should not bother to listen to it very closely.

kleinbl00 makes some great points. If your friend's teacher is an imposing person musically, trust that person. The teacher has no reason to lie to you since she wants her student to have the best recital possible. NO REASON.

Is it possible that you are transferring impostery feelings onto your musical identity -- which is possibly the most authentic and stable of all your identities?

That aside, we all have doubts about our value, especially the value of a performance - whether that performance is playing an instrument or leading a workshop.

I have been playing music for most of my life, and have been playing on stage for just about as long. From solo violin bits at weddings to playing bass guitar with a death metal bands in basements and bars .... I have been through my share of performances.

You need to play because it's fun. If people keep telling you that you are good, great! I always doubt my playing ability, but when I have a general rule that i never believe anyting until I hear it from three different people. Sometimes I play like shit and I have a bunch of people come up and say it sounded great, when I knew I shat the bed. At that point the question becomes what matters more? Your oppinion, or the oppinion of others?

So who do you play music for? yourself, or others? Are you trying to impress yourself with your own music? Good. Then practice until you bleed and dont give a fuck about what other people say because not everyone will like it. Put enough passion into it, and people will be drawn to what ever you do.

Play music for others? Good. talk to people who you trust and who are knowable about music. Practice, until you bleed and respond to your audience. Music is a message, but it is also a translation of your emotions to the audience. The true talent of a musician is to make something that both reflects their passion and translates that passion into a sound that is accessible to others.

Music is probably some combo of both these aspects. So work hard, and play strong.

ARS.