I was raised by a feminist single mother who wouldn't let me play the flute or the clarinet because they were too "girly". I played a brass instrument and was the only girl. My mother was always working and was able to have a great career despite her lack of a formal education.
I earned my degree in an IT field and was proud to be the only girl in many of my courses. I loved challenging men and hated the notions that men "are from mars and women are from venus". In my mind this was just an excuse for men to be jerks. I had an amazing career and was quickly promoted. I was also known as a bitch and a "bulldog", quoted by a senior manager. I was tough and had to prove that men couldn't walk all over me. I was constantly stressed but thought I was creating the life I had dreamed of. Working hard and a successful career was all I dreamed of. I had my first child but that couldn't stop me. I was working hard at work, working hard at home, and so was my husband. We were exhausted but physically and mentally.
Fast forward to today. I am now a mom of 2 girls. I work part-time. Most of my days are spent cooking, cleaning, car pooling & spending time in my kids class. My job is now secondary & my family is first.
Along the way I figured out something very critical. In our success and money driven times we forgot about our children. Its not the fault of men or women. Its the fault of our society. Its perfectly acceptable today to let your kids be left & raised by a stranger for 12 hours a day while both parents are out exhausting themselves so they can buy that extra 200$ pair of jeans. Some people might say well in these times both parents need to bring home the money & work long hours so we afford to live. Times are tough. I call BS on this. We don't need more "stuff". We are so driven to consume. We use it to fill the hole. If we all took a step back I think this would be clear. I am NOT saying this applies to EVERYONE. Some parents truly do not have a choice. I get it. These are not the people I am talking about & these people are not the majority.
Feminism "allowed" us to get out there and get great jobs. Now we can do it all, have it all! But do we really have it all? Are 2 preoccupied parents too busy and tired to truly invest in raising quality human beings having it all? We really wonder whats wrong with our society and how we got here?
Now, I am totally grateful for all the progress that was made for women's rights. I do not blame working moms. I am so sick of mommy wars and all the labels that we love to put on everyone. I don't want to polarize the discussion. What i question is why have we forgotten about the children? and when I say we I mean men and women. Dads can stay at home too. I am talking about quality of life and what we are teaching are children is most important.
I know my ideas are unpopular but I would love to understand how others feel about this and have a really open discussion. Again, I am not bashing working moms just looking to see if others have had similar experiences.
Not a mom, but had a similar experience re: being a bulldog and a bitch and working hard thinking I was getting what I wanted. It was what I wanted, for a time. Then my partner and I were talking about kids, and how we would do that . The idea of working so many hours in order to employ someone else to raise our kids just seemed backwards. What were we working so hard for anyway? Professional recognition in an employment environment where our jobs were priority but our employers viewed us as replaceable? No matter how may gold-stars we had on our resume, there was always someone with 1 more willing to take our places. I used to look down on women who I thought couldn't handle the pressure. What I realize now is that I was trying to prove something at the cost of my own happiness. If a woman wants to be an economic powerhouse, she should be able to. I wish the workplace had been more validating for me. Maybe that's a contributing factor in why I left, but I'm really glad I did. My partner and I both work from home now. We moved to a state with a lower cost of living, set up a remote office, and are working towards making an environment where we can actually raise our own kids when we get them. If feminism is about male/female equity, then I would say that this is an extremely feminist choice. Being able to decide what our family will look like, how it will be funded and raised is extremely empowering. I want my kids to grow up with a mom that makes her own path, and has clearly defined values, family (real family, not rhetorical christian family) being one of them.
Everything you have said really resonates with me. This makes me feel like someone else gets where I am coming from. "If feminism is about male/female equity, then I would say that this is an extremely feminist choice. Being able to decide what our family will look like, how it will be funded and raised is extremely empowering." - wow I love this.
I don't know what country you're from (I don't want to assume), but as an American (and if it matters, a man without a child), I'd say that a big issue at play is the work environment. The expectation here seems to be that a salaried employee is either expected to work an arbitrarily large amount of time or that they'll be on call all the time for "important" (but in reality not terribly pressing issues). Vacation time in the US is pretty pitiful compared to European standards, and many people don't even use the vacation they have due to a fear of looking weak or not being a team player. Since salaries have stagnated, it makes it quite a bit more difficult to raise a family without both parents working (but maybe this is really an issue of consumerism).
Agree with you about the work environment however I have a slightly different take. This is personal experience so I can't say this is the norm but I found out something truly astonishing. Heres a little more food for thought - I worked for a large company & worked myself to the bone. I wanted to meet those high expectations. I travelled non-stop, anywhere and anytime. Traveling on Sunday was a given, no big deal, I was committed. Until of course I eventually burned out. I went to another smaller company that is husband and wife owned. This time I wasn't going to let them dictate my life and steal my me-time. I never give more then I feel is fair. I earn a decent wage & feel that I should provide the value back of what they are paying me. I do my job & I push back when needed. This is HUGE. I have been there 5 years and have never felt that I am under scrutiny for "doing less". I think often we BELIVE we must give our whole lives way. But maybe we don't have to. You just have to learn to say no and value yourself and your time enough to not let anyone else take that away.
I've heard this said elsewhere, but it really is true. Feminism has thus-far empowered women to be just like men in the workplace. In that we work ourselves to the bone for a faceless employer and don't have a lot left over for family or community. It's important to bring that balance back around to where men and women both can have the kind of work/life balance that makes sense to each of us, independent of gender.
When it comes to gender roles and the like I really don't like the arguments put forth. A lot of it is blamed on "society" and how the media portrays how women and men should behave, at least from the feminists I've met. I've also met some feminists who, like me, saw how the argument against society was a scapegoat that frees blame from the individual. In saying that, of course there will be times in your life that you are discriminated against for your gender and the like, heck in Melbourne most of the bartender jobs advertised specifically ask for females and will throw your resume in the bin if you are male. What my overall message in regards to your mother's view about some instruments being too "girly" is, who cares what others think or how "society" wants you to behave just do what you enjoy. Now that I got that small irrelevant rant out of the way, my advice for kids may be valueless as I'm only by relative terms a kid myself (not one you'd raise though). However I think one of the most important things for children is that parents equip them with the right tools and thought patterns that allow them for intellectual growth and development, as well as disciplining them to rely on themselves when it is the only option left. While there are some circumstances that merit 12 hour babysitters for your children, it would be even better to find babysitters like family who will challenge your children to learn and develop. Things such as critical thinking and the notion to question everything are paramount to the growth of children. I also think it's important to treat children like equals, not sparing any details unless it would be harmful to their fragile minds. Small things like responding to questions that would require complex answers (in a way that a child can barely grasp if too complex) and valuing their ideas just as much as you'd value an adults idea (for things like parties) but incorporating them in ways that will satisfy the children and also leave room for the more beneficial ideas if the child's is too ridiculous. I'd agree that nurturing your children is very important as I'd imagine most people would on this website, but I think some time should be allocated to teaching your children the principles that will help morph them into civilized people with strong intelligence. Children need to be loved to avoid being callous shells, but also need to be disciplined and equipped with the knowledge and thinking patterns of critical thinkers so that they can independently evolve themselves at an early age. Again I will reiterate in saying that my advice may be terrible since I am no where near having a child of my own.
This is a very well thought out post and deals with a very important issue. So, we basically talking about maintaining the right family fabric and giving your children the right atmosphere to grow. Isn't it? But, in a heavily materialistic society, family is the last thing in the agenda, and that is where the root of all contention lies. It is not that your opinion is completely wrong, it is just that it just doesn't fit in today's context. All we can do is sigh....
you are right & much of what I have said boils down to the materialistic society we live it. I try to surround myself with like-minded people but still never feel like I can have an open discussion of my opinions on this topic. Seems like everyone has an excuse to diminish the value of family balance.