Oh god, I just saw my local news and my wife doesn't understand what I'm finding so funny. Damn you The Onion!
First of all, I'm drunk. Second of all, I know I like Vice more than I should. I know it's my socioeconomic version of "Toddlers in Tiaras" or whatever Fat Baby with Fat Mamma is called now. Third, this is a crazy good parody of Vice. "You can tell no one here is high. It sucks." So I've lost count, but there was a story not long ago about how conservatives weren't funny. Shouldn't this be a story making fun of liberals that is hilarious? I'm old as dirt (43 years and 363 days) and I remember P. J. O'Rourke. Never agreed with his politics, but he was funny as hell.
I am very surprised he found the exit rope so quickly. No idea how that was not a bigger part of the story. He could have died down there.