This post started as a Pubski comment and grew far beyond its desirable proportions. After having no topic to speak of in Pubski, I decided to ask a question that's been bothering me for a while.

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There's something odd I began to observe about myself: only a rare few things I enjoy I do with eagerness. I enjoy writing, but every time I'm not by the writing app, I'm struggling to come near; I want to and understand that it would be good for me, but it is as if it floats away as soon as I touch anything remotely procrastinaty. The same goes for working out (it's tough, but I feel good about doing it even though my body objects it) and some other activities.

On the other hand, as soon as I realize I'd like to code, I launch Brackets (coding app) and go for it, sometimes losing an hour, easily, doing so. Back when I haven't finished the book yet, every time I sat down on a trolleybus I'd open Vladimir Pozner's Parting with Illusions and read through it, sometimes up until the moment I have to exit the bus - so interesting it was. Now, I'm reading Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Recall... It's an interesting book, and I enjoy the insight I gain while reading it (already, less than a hundred pages in, it has been helpful); it's not the Pozner level of insight into the human mind, but it's an insight nonetheless. Still, I'm rather repelled from reading the thing, which feels odd because, like I said, I enjoy reading it.

What the hell is this about? It bothers me, both because it exists and because I don't understand it. I came to realize recently that, indeed, I like good living, I like feeling good about doing good work and overcoming challenges - something I never felt while living with my parents (who are of crab mentality and are trying unconsciously to make me into their perfect doll of a child). Yet, I often can't bring myself to: I'd rather watch YouTube videos than write the 200 words necessary to keep the writing muscle up and running; I'd rather code the next idea I have (I'm doing good with it, but still) than study for the next exam.

I read about "antinarcissism" yesterday on Wikipedia, and it gave me an idea about what happens; still, I'd use an advice. Antinarcissism is, to me, a narcissist-raised person's idea of acting unlike the narcissist, on the narcissism scale still. In short, it's acting to diminish one's ego while maintaining one's idea of greatness in defeat. It's about undeveloping oneself and one's skills so that one would maintain the idea of one's greatness untarnished by real life's inevitable failures. I certainly remember myself doing that while in school: knowing the answer perfectly well, I sat down quietly in class and tell myself "I'd rather let others show they know the answer (I know I do, so why bother?)", thinking I'm doing a favor to my classmates somehow. Full of shit my head was back then, and I'm afraid it's still making me fail myself.

I still haven't visited a psychotheurapist, which I sense to be the same thing that keeps me away from actually doing good. Sometimes, I have good days during which I feel good about myself, confident, willing to make myself better; sometimes, it's the other way around, as if I forego the idea that I deserve good things and start slobbing off, procrastinating, wasting money and so on. The cycle's been with me my whole life, so I got quite used to it; I feel like my best right now would be to either prolong the good side or shorten the bad side. Any advice about that? Any advice about what else I could do?