Hi! I want to ask you if there are any Meetup.com groups in your area. They seem to be a good way to meet new people. Too bad there's only 4 in my city (3 of them dead) and the nearest "hub" of people is 200 km from here. Ok, on to your post. This is pretty much the gist of it. The problem is: Hence the question about the groups. Volunteering has been suggested here by goobster, which works. I see it as a big group of people whose objective is helping others. :) As I've written before, my problem is a lack of public meetup groups in my area which cater to my interests. I volunteered before, didn't really work for me. Tried connecting to the groups in the other city, turned out to be too expensive for me financially (travel costs). Some more points: When people like that show up, they make the effort to earn your trust. They go the extra mile. They reach out for you. Find those who do it and there's your answer. This falls into the "up to you" area. Tolerate as much as you think you should. For me, the tolerance level is VERY low. I've dealt with self-centered assholes before (one was a close friend). In the end we just drifted away from each other because it was always about him and never about me. What HE wanted to do. What HE wanted to talk about. My suggestions were always disregarded. Also, emotional abuse from his part. To end this in a better mood: Be comfortable with being by yourself. You are your best company. When people who add value to your life show up, it's going to be a bonus. We have a saying in my country: "It's better to be alone than in bad company". Also, seek the others. And hey, there's Hubski! :DFrom what I'm reading, it's not about making people like me to be friends with them, it's about finding people I'm comfortable enough with to be myself.
It's most reasonable, but I haven't found such people nor see the prospect of finding them any time soon.
Is it possible that I've already found people that could be my true friends and am just reluctant to admit it because it would mean I'd have to trust them?
How much do I tolerate from people, especially when they're being self-centered assholes?
What do I do? How do I lose the neediness? How do I make friends?
I've initially wrote a very long and emotional reply to you when I saw your post, partly because I was still distraught over a dream I had that day and partly because you made me think of things that are important to me. Here's another take. I didn't know of this website's existence before, so I checked to see whether, indeed, we have meetups here. There's only one meetup in Tomsk, and it's about front-end software development - far from my field. However, I'm certain that there are other meetups even in my uni - it's just that it might be hard for me to take part in them because I'm quite socially-anxious. I tried it, though: this New Year I've met in an unfamiliar company of people in a private library. It was a bit stressful until we got warmer to each other, soon after the clock rang twelve times. I presume that, had I a familiar person beside me and were I more energetic, the warming-up would have been much sooner: this is how I operate. This is reassuring. I've never met such people in Russia, which is among the reasons I'd like to live in Europe or the US, which is closer to my natural affinity and values. Hopefully, I'll meet some in my life and it physical space; it would be amazing. Thank you for your reply, and particularly for reminding me of meetups. I'll make sure to take part in some.I want to ask you if there are any Meetup.com groups in your area.
When people like that show up, they make the effort to earn your trust. They go the extra mile. They reach out for you. Find those who do it and there's your answer.
Wow. I guess you're in the same situation as me then. Welcome to the club. After reading a bit about Tomsk, well, yeah, we are on the very same boat. Yeah, Meetup.com has a big portion of programming meetups. I haven't looked much into why that happens. But there's hope, you're still in uni! You can find people close too your age there and it's easy to find them. When you graduate, it becomes harder. Me? Well, I hang out there too, but I finished my course. I go there once a week to check up on the current magazines and newspapers. Another thing I end up doing is chit-chatting with the library assitant. Cool! I struck up a conversation with a Danish couple in Buenos Aires a couple years ago. Thought they were Dutch and started talking in English. It turned out that they were staying in the room beside mine. I could see that they enjoyed the surprise. If the person was familiar to you, it could have given you more comfort to talk to them. If the person was familiar to them, I agree, things could have gone a bit faster. But. It's never easy to talk to strangers. Even after doing it for years, I still get butterflies in my stomach. You end up learning how to deal with it. At best, it becomes a warm thrill. At worst, it freezes you. It also turns out that it's not easy for them either. Trying to intersect different worlds is no easy task. It takes time to warm-up. No way around it. Take your time. It feels very creepy when people force connections. this New Year I've met in an unfamiliar company of people in a private library. It was a bit stressful until we got warmer to each other, soon after the clock rang twelve times.
I presume that, had I a familiar person beside me and were I more energetic, the warming-up would have been much sooner: this is how I operate.