I've been seeing a girl. I noticed an imbalance: I was getting to really like her and I wasn't feeling the same from her. The imbalance was driving me crazy, and the craziness alarmed me. We'd only been on four dates but trivial stuff, like her not texting me as much as I wanted her to, was throwing me for a massive loop. I looked into it and started journaling. I was able to articulate the feelings concisely enough that I had some terms worth googling: "why do I need constant reassurance," "relationship anxiety" etc. Boom. There's a whole way of framing this that I'd never heard of before. I have what some people call an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Have you ever had the erie feeling of someone you've never met writing out your thoughts? The upside was that the process was the clearest instance in my life of self-awareness generating equanimity and calm. Naming the "complex" mollified its hold over me, at least the worst of it on Monday. The only downsides to this knowledge are that 1) I still don't really know the source. They say it's likely from childhood, but I perceive my childhood as having been mostly nurturing and full of love. Nothing clearly jumps out at me. And 2) the solution is squishy. It's essentially the strong form of love thyself first. Quiet the critic in your head. Know that I'm worthy already. Question to pubski: Have you, or anyone you know, progressed clearly from a state of persistent low-to-no-self-worth to a state of steady, high self-regard? I've heard about or read that in the abstract this is possible. But no really talks about having made the progress themselves. Do tell.
You are a good and valuable person. You deserve better than an unequal relationship. Find a person who feels a hardcore 'Fuck YES' when they get a message from my boy 'boots. Maybe that's this girl and she struggles to communicate it. Regarding your question - I think its fair to say I have come up from a pretty low place when it comes to self regard. It's a work in progress but so is everything else. For me the change manifests in action more than feeling. I treat myself and my time and wellbeing as valuable and precious. Examples: When my (hard to manage) family wants to change plans, ask me to drop things unexpectedly, otherwise ask something unreasonable, I say 'No." now. Not rudely, not with venom. Just "No, that day/time doesn't work for me. Ask me with more than one hour of notice next time" I was asked to sing/play guitar at an upcoming event for my in-laws church. Firm "No thanks, I dont feel I could sincerely engage with the spirit of the event." I could go into a rant and talk about how I sing and practice music for my own enjoyment, but that wont cause anything good or positive to happen. I know that to be true of myself and living that truth is freeing. -------------------------- I don't think anyone should live in a constant state of anything, let alone high self regard. It would be deeply inhuman to only ever feel good and certain about yourself. That's not a praise of doubt, but of the value of the variety of human experience.
I’ve spent like 5 years trying to decide on the source of my absolute shit ability to form attachments and honestly some days I’m still not convinced. On one hand I think it’s all been worth it to understand myself better, but on the other it’s more important to acknowledge and accept who you are so you can deal with it going forward. Don’t dwell on not knowing what the cause is, but don’t be surprised if it hits you like a brick wall if you decide to work on this either. I have a friend who’s similar to you, for them it seems like having a very emotionally intuitive mother but distant father has left them feeling their emotions with no idea how to process it. You could be completely different though. Normally by moving forward that stuff becomes clear. Progressing “clearly” isn’t really a thing in my experience, you’ll just work on yourself for a while and then one day realize something you’re doing would have made you more anxious a year ago. Then you might get knocked down again but that’s okay because you know that you’re capable of overcoming it. That’s normally how I get through rough patches now, telling myself I’ve done this before so I can do it again and just hoping life doesn’t knock me down too much that it stops feeling worth the effort. I think that’s a high self esteem thought. I like reading books and I can point to a few things my therapist have had me do that helped like jotting down my feelings through out the day to becomes more aware but you’ll likely have to just find what works for you over time with trial and error. Just make sure to remember nothing that doesn’t work was a waste of time, it gets you closer to understanding what will work. This wasn’t the most positive addition but I think managing expectations is important. It’ll take time and if you’re the kind of person who likes clear objectives or progress plans you won’t want to stick with it. Do it anyways.
Hmm, it still feels like I'm sort of on that path, but now that I think about it my self worth has been pretty reasonable for quite a while now. So I guess I can talk about what's worked for me. For context, about a year ago my doctor diagnosed me with severe anxiety and moderate depression and I'd consider that to be the point where things started turning around Full disclosure, on top of all this I'm also on cipralex, which probably helps a lot but is more for managing anxiety than anything else. The biggest thing for me has been a combination of meditating every morning and journaling before bed every night. Meditation helps me set my mindset for the day — not even something as solid as an intention, just get myself more mindful of myself — and journaling lets me look back on my day and really pick out what felt good and what didn't. Over time this has helped me figure out what's important in my life and what I can stop worrying about, and that's helped me let go of a lot of ideas I was judging myself by but don't really care about in the long run. I'm also very prone to getting stuck in my own head, and both of those keep me from dwelling on dumb stuff, which overall helps me remember that I'm pretty alright on the whole. I've also been getting more into minimalism and simple living concepts. Nothing too extreme, just identifying what in my life's important to me and reducing everything that isn't. My home feels much homier after decluttering and really working to make sure that when I look around I actually like what I see. Plus I've started doing some things like doing dishes by hand every night instead of running the dishwasher once a week or so, which I weirdly enjoy more since it means my dishes are always clean and I've done it myself so I know they're cleaned well. Sounds like a pain in the ass, but I've actually been enjoying it. A lot of the other stuff is actually just little self-improvement actions, now that I think about it. I've got a budget so I'm always saving money. I'm cooking for myself more and eating healthier and trying to work more vegetarian meals into my diet. I'm reading more, which is something that's always been important to me but I've neglected for years. I've gotten more outdoorsy, biking to work and hiking for fun and sitting in parks on nice days. I actually make my bed when I get up in the morning. Just minor things that make you feel better about yourself and your environment. Just do things that you think will make your life better and be mindful of why it's making your life better. Easier said than done, of course, but typing it out on the internet is usually the easy part of a task.
I had a long phone call after a bunch of frustrating text messages. That was supremely helpful. That led to an in-person conversation that was honest. I told her all the above, and it didn't scare her away. We have more plans to see each other. Honesty, as ever, is the best policy. That and in-person conversations.
Progress is tedious, arduous, and doubly so if you try to do it entirely on your own. It's taken me the better part of the last decade to go from a sense of worth of, like, sub-zero to a solid 8. For me, progress was based on a few pillars: 1) Gain perspective. Does it make sense that you feel the way you do? I sometimes have the tendency to go from 'small setback' to 'this will never work and doom shall befall upon me' for no reason. It's really hard to see something like that when you're too close to the fire. Good friends can be your emotional fact-checker. Great friends can do that and also steer you in the right direction. Find great friends. 2) Focus on what you have, not what you lack. Focus on actions, not just on feelings. You're still dating. She's replying to you, and it's probably a good conversation at that. She may be busy, she may have stuff going on, she may be someone who needs more time than you do to commit. You don't know. Stick to what you do know. 3) Put yourself out there. Do things despite the feeling that it might fail miserably. Despite your 'spidey sense' being on red alert. Despite your insecurity telling you that you're not good enough, not worthy. Take the (perceived) risk and brace for impact. You'll find out that most of the time, things go better than you feared. And on the off chance that bad things do happen, it's almost always reversible to a large degree. 4) Let the chips fall where they may. Be your weird, wonderful, worthy self. If other people don't like it, you have some reason to reflect on that, but you have no reason to destroy what makes you you. I regret the times I caved to others to please them. I don't regret the times I stood up for myself, for my values and my beliefs.