This is an annoyingly-common mistake. Fundamentally, I enjoy sharing the stuff that I know and strive diligently to STFU about stuff I don't. If you look at relationships slightly askance you'll recognize that they're all transactional. There's a certain dirtiness to the word, though, that also implies they're zero-sum or negative-sum and they're not. I surmised a couple decades ago that friends are people you can obligate because it's those obligations that make a friendship. It was about the time I stopped saying "hey wanna see something" and started saying "hey can I show you something" because it puts the onus of the ask on the asker. What's the phrase? A friend will help you move, a good friend will help you move a body? Graeber argued that the favor economy predated the money economy by thousands of years and is fundamentally healthier for everyone. If you look at it as an economy, the whole purpose is to generate revenue. A bunch of people doing favors for each other create a surplus of favors. A former co-teacher has called you several times to ask for stuff. You welcomed the opportunity to help her out, demonstrate your expertise, accept her accolades and thanks and further cement the bond between you. I say that's "transactional" but also highly desirable, virtuous and the fundamental basis of most of the good stuff in life. I stopped talking to my best friend about a year ago. I have effectively cut him out of my life. It has never been a symmetrical relationship but he demonstrated that the potential positives for interacting with him were really sparse and utterly unpredictable while the potential negatives were a cliff-face of loss. If I think of the betrayal I get angry. If I think of the costs-benefits analysis I dispassionately cut him off. interactions and favors allow both parties to demonstrate "this is why you matter to me." Healthy relationships generate surplus goodwill. What I've noticed is that I'm seldom rebuffed for reaching out, which makes it easier to do. It's still exhausting sometimes but I never regret it.I read that and I thought, you're a leading everything expert.
That's an attitude that I appreciate and what makes the things you do say more reliable. Meanwhile, I went and read the situation with your friend and his wedding. I totally agree that all relationships are transactional in the sense that we should examine whether a friendship makes our lives better or worse and to let go of the ones that make our lives worse -- or, if not let go of them -- not feel trapped in those friendships: understand that we're making a choice to continue. Re two things you wrote: I love the difference between, "hey, wanna see something" and "hey, can I show you something." and this line from the "stopped talking" story: I love both those statements because they show an awareness of the many ways we conduct our transactions and that awareness makes us more in control of our responses to interpersonal difficulties. It's so important, I think, ultimately for happiness. "It" meaning awareness of the impact our transactions have on others and on ourself. Anyway, As I've said on this website before, there are friends who are your friends and friends who are your caseload.I enjoy sharing the stuff that I know and strive diligently to STFU about stuff I don't.
I was in the process of drafting my response, as carefully and concisely as I could, when it boiled over. I was doing the thing that had the least impact for him, not for me. So I called him up . . .
It's the why of the caseload that matters. Maybe ten years ago I started yearning for the chance to talk to fifteen-year-old me. Tell me it was all going to work out, tell me that the problems I was dealing with resolved okay, tell me that despite it all I fuckin' made it. It took me another eight years to realize that every orphan I'd taken under my wing as Reddit/Hubski's Father Confessor wasn't benefiting from my altruism, they were serving as proxies for my teenaged self. Which is not to say they didn't benefit. I doubt these relationships would exist if they weren't mutually beneficial. But the benefit to myself was obscured in a heavy blanket of adolescent fog-of-war. Explaining to others allows you to clarify your ideas for yourself. Tending to others can be a form of self-care. There are probably social workers who aren't emotional basket cases but I haven't met them; ultimately I have an easier time caring for others because their value is self-evident while my own well-being is near zero.
I don't quite understand the last sentence. Do you mean that you have an easier time caring for others when you are feeling shaky about yourself -- because what you are saying to them or helping them with helps strengthen you -- if that's it, then, yes, I see that. I also agree that we do get something out of the friendships that seem like work. On some days, that person might be just the one to get us out on a walk.