Today I feel great. I wrote this down earlier. And, y'know, I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch or anything, but today feels different. Like I have finally managed to get my priorities straight. I got up at 07:30 and ate breakfast and cleaned up and did my morning rituals, and was at the library right after it opened. I didn't think "oh I'll just go on Reddit for five minutes" or "I'll just check out Facebook", which would inevitably see me standing at my computer for an hour and then getting prepared to leave, and taking forever to do it, too. I just went to the library and after a few minutes actually started working. And, yeah, I left after just two hours (I'm invigilating exams shortly) but in that time there were virtually no distractions. It may not seem like much to someone who actually manages to study, but for me this is really different. Usually I have to force myself to get anything done, and it so rarely does. I'm lucky if I spend 10% of my time in the library working, to be honest. But today was different. I wasn't telling myself that it was okay to do something else because then I'd do some work. I've long known that that's ridiculous, but it's like today I really know it. Like it has become part of my mind. Right now, the idea of saying "I'll write something after I've watched this episode of Breaking Bad" just seems alien. It might not seem like much to most people, but that was how my mind has operated for YEARS. But I feel focused. Things are just "matter of fact". It's like I understand now that video games and internet and stuff are for after doing work, whereas I used to distract myself with them. It's like my thesis and other things are no longer gargantuan monsters I have to fight off with a pokey wooden sword - they're just things I can and have to do, and I'm going to do them now, and maybe later I'll read a book. But right now I have stuff to do. Put it this way: I'm in control. Obviously, I have occasionally been in control in the past - enough to finish my BA, and so on. But right now, I'm in control and I'm not struggling to be in control. I don't want to make myself think that this is a bigger change than it really is, or that it's some lasting change in character... I just feel good now. I'm not "proud" that I've changed in some profound way or something; I just don't feel ashamed that my life is wasteful. I hope this doesn't fade away. Fuck that, I can't let it fade away, and I won't. This level of "being present" is exactly what I've been needing since I was about eleven years old. So I don't mean to make a big deal of this to myself. I just FEEL so different, and capable. I'm going to eat some eggs now, and then go invigilate, and then go back to the library. And when I do, I won't think "I'll just go on Hubski for a few minutes." And that might not seem like much, but to me it's all the difference in the world. I just hope it's not like when I start running or playing mandolin for a bit and it seems like I'm going to keep it up, and then I lapse for a few days and suddenly it's a few months. I don't want this to go away, but I know it'll probably be hard to maintain. But then nobody said it was easy... Oh, and the apadravya I got a week ago has finally stopped bleeding completely.Things feel different in me this morning. They felt a little differrent last night, but I often have those kind of feelings in the night before the next day - I mean feelings about pulling my life together and applying myself. Y'know, when I got to sleep I think "today was a waste, but tomorrow I'll do this and that and all these other things". And of course the next day is just like the one before it and tomorrow never really comes.
How long did it take to stop bleeding? Like many, I'm a bit apprehensive about "altering" myself in that way, but it seems interesting. Then again, I'm descended from people that are attributed with creating the ampallang.Oh, and the apadravya I got a week ago has finally stopped bleeding completely.
It bled a fair bit the first day and somewhat the second; after that, it was just a little bit of bleeding, particularly after sleeping. I got it last Tuesday and it had completely stopped as of yesterday. Now there's just a little bit of that lymph fluid stuff. There has been some discomfort the odd time it has bumped against my trousers or something, but otherwise it's cool (and morning wood the next day was not pleasant). A painful experience to be sure, but I've wanted one for a while and I already love it to bits. Perfect timing, too - the girl I'm seeing is away in Italy for a month, so I won't be "physical" with her until I head over for a bit to join her. 2.4mm diameter titanium barbell, with balls 6mm in diameter. Well, one of them is 6mm; the other is either slightly smaller or larger, I can't tell. When I get a shorter bar fitted (there's still a little room when I "stand to attention") I'll make sure the piercer gives me one with two balls of the same size, or it'll drive me crazy. Who were your ancestors? Ampallangs are cool. I sort of wanted one until I discovered that the apadravya exists and I just knew it was me.
My parents come from the Philippines. The ampallang isn't so common anymore. Instead, we are supposed to get circumcised . . . when we turn 12. Fortunately, I was born in the U.S. and got the chop before I could remember it. I visited my cousin just after he had his done. He had to wear a skirt for a while.
Twelve? Jesus, that must be awful... A friend of mine over here had to get circumcised because his foreskin was too tight; said it was really uncomfortable for a while afterward, alright.
Yikes. You know, my friends from the UK were always surprised whenever the circumcision issue came up to hear that most of us Americans couldn't relate to foreskin problems and would talk about studies they'd read about decreased sensation, etc. But from a purely mechanical standpoint, (the more moving parts and all that) I don't see why there's such opposition to circumcision around the world. If the doctor knows what they're doing and is using clean tools, then it's really safe. Plus, my friends have told me stories about theirs tearing after particularly vigorous sessions and man, I am so glad I don't have that to worry about.
Yeah, I've heard about people ripping their frenums. Actually my frenum used to be slightly too short, which made sex rather painful in the beginning. Debates about the pros and cons of circumcision tend to get a bit stupid because the guys on either side get really tribal about it. It's probably not that big of a deal at all, yeah.