This article was published in the NYTimes Magazine on July 3, 2011 under the title "Infidelity Keeps Us Together." I just came across it as the spousal unit was throwing out all his NYT magazines. He pulled a few aside to read including this one - hmmmm. Maybe he just wanted to do the crossword puzzle.
If the NYTimes doesn't let you read articles, let me know.
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Yep. I agree with this premise completely. I think our beliefs around monogamy and the expectations we propagate are not aligned with healthy reality, and that the number of couples in monogamous relationships should be far fewer that it is currently, with a cultural acceptance and benevolence to go along with that. Being newly married, of course I'm talking about other people :PSavage believes monogamy is right for many couples. But he believes that our discourse about it, and about sexuality more generally, is dishonest.
if the nytimes does not let you read articles because of the limit delete your cookies and it will.
a tag not quite appropriate for this article but relevant to discussion: #polyamory
I think polyamory is totally relevant to this article (and have tagged appropriately). Monogamy is awesome and wonderful for many couples. People couple up for many reasons though. A disposition towards pair bonding seems practical and probably evolved as a survival mechanism. The theadvancedapes has written knowledgeably and eloquently on this subject. The association of pair bonding with monogamy has had a mostly cultural evolution. I know men and women who love their partners but are so sexually dissatisfied that it preoccupies them and fills them with longing. It sometimes makes them crazy. I also know gay and straight couples in brilliant open relationships that have lasted for years and years. I wrote in a blog some time ago, a phrase that comes up a lot, If one is inclined towards multiple partners, living and negotiating honestly with one's partner requires bravery, confidence, trust, and an awareness of power issues within relationships. Hiding, lying, and deception seems initially to be easier than honesty. I'd like to say something like "cheating" is a word used by fearful people to avoid listening to their partner's feelings -- but I know the issues are much much more complicated. I often say, "Every relationship is a deal. The problem is that you don't always know what the deal is." ecib I wish you a wonderful awesome marriage. I'd also like to shout out to wasoxygen as I'm interested in was's thoughts on this topic.When I met him [her], I knew he was 80% of what I was looking for, but sometimes the missing 20% is really hard to live without.
The percentages change from person to person, from month to month.
I didn't see the shout-out, not sure why, but I have taken measures to make it less likely that I will miss your future comments. I will also wonder aloud if I might be referred to as "the wasoxygen" in future or if I have to be as knowledgable and eloquent as theadvancedapes to earn that distinction. Dan Savage makes some good points, though I haven't read the whole article. Your blog was better (and agreeably shorter), and I think your husband makes an excellent reply. That reply reminds me of one of the most memorable things I have read on the subject, though it came from someone who had ideas about women that are jarring to the modern ear: #427 in that chapter is also worth a look.406 Marriage as a long conversation. When entering a marriage, one should ask the question: do you think you will be able to have good conversations with this woman right into old age? Everything else in marriage transitory, but most of the time in interaction is spent in conversation.
I am interested as well. As someone who has been there and done that, I view cheating as "the lazy way to go about it." Cheating takes very little effort and work - not to mention respect. An effective open relationship requires not only honesty with one's partner but with oneself. As a cheater you can say "I'm a cheater and that's just who I am and eventually, when I want to get out of this relationship, I'll reveal this and it'll be over." Actually a very easy way to break up most of the time, no one wants to be with a cheater. (Sometimes people have tried to argue with me when I have broken up with them. People don't argue if I show up with hickeys though.) In an open relationship you have to admit to yourself that maybe monogamy isn't for you and that can be kind of scary. It's yet another way one deviates from the norm. You have to be honest and talk about things, which is the hallmark of what the cheater doesn't do. You have to listen to your partner be honest about their feelings and perspective and you have to honor and respect that. Savage is right; it's still work, just perhaps of a different kind.