This is a revision of short idea here I wanted to expand.
Plateau
I learned and
the world grew and grew
and filled and fluxed
until
I learned something that was once too small to me to notice:
The globe in my vision had suddenly exploded
it was ballooning under my very feet as I looked on
zooming away into the horizon even as I stepped forward, so fast that
I bolted, surprised- but every pounding footfall shrank me closer and closer to where I had started
until the blurs merely brushed my senses sideways
And it was here,
I was forced to slow or
miss the last bits of newness
quickly becoming blinding whiteness.
My tiny origin
in a memorized universe,
measured the distance to the next Shambhala grow
in units farther and farther beyond my lifespan,
And I, a point stagnation,
stopped-
here
Or... perhaps, paused,
beginning.For the most part, I like the way this sounds. But why "fluxed" instead of fluctuated? "Filled", "fluxed", "until" are so consistent syllabically that I feel like it loses a bit of impetus. Also, how does the beginning serve the whole? "I learned", so what? Where is the lesson? Then you've got: "at once" tends to need an "and" or a "but". Then the next lines: Why "merely" and to which side? What is the quality of this whiteness? Does this tie in to "I learned?" How is the reader to understand this "pause"? I'm not trying to be a dick, just trying to show that I think there are a lot of opportunities for this to be tighter and that I think this is a decent start.I learned something that was once too small to me to notice:
The globe in my vision had suddenly exploded
interesting, but conflicting imagery. Exploded first, then ballooning (an expansion that could well extend into explosion). And why "my very feet" when no other feet or need for emphasis are mentioned? it was ballooning under my very feet as I looked onuntil the blurs merely brushed my senses sideways
quickly becoming blinding whiteness
Or... perhaps, paused,