You know a while back I said I was feeling unwanted? Yeah well I've been slowly realizing that it's because I AM unwanted. I guess the brain loves to protect it's ego. Well I'm definitely not going to be lonely my entire life because nobody wants to speak to a <whatever they call someone everybody dislikes>
I'm going to start really looking at how I act socially and what can be improved, I've done this before but this time I won't do it on my own. I've already "fixed" everything I would consider negative, but evidently what I consider negative about my social skillset doesn't match that of people I want to be friends with. As a homeschooled 14 year old, I don't get much opportunity to meet people at all. Everyone I do know is from something I go to once a week with about 40 people, so there's no room at all for screwing up. But like I said, I've done this before and I spent like 6 months fixing literally everything I could find, this time I will be using resources from http://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/ and hopefully other people's feedback(Do you think this is a good idea?).
<pariah>, maybe? But that's not helpful. I will look at that subreddit ... huh. It seems like a place for approaching-middle-aged people who have screwed up their lives or had them screwed up externally. The top thread doesn't fill me with confidence. Stop drinking soda, and realize that some things just don't work out. If anything I bet it's negative reenforcement because every third post is "I'm 28 and I don't have any friends." Makes it seem like the norm. It's not. Humans are social animals. You'll be fine. Anyway, if you're actually 14 that's kinda mind-boggling. When I was 14 I made pizzas and wasted all my time. If I'd had a work ethic instead... would have been nice. Question: what have you "fixed"? Are you sure you need fixing, and not everyone else? It seems narcissistic to think that way, but it's worth considering without bias. -- hubski says we've had four "interactions," but can't seem to find them. Let's buck that trend and start having conversations. You seem like a good guy/girl to talk to.
I think it originated from a self-hate fueled "you suck" spree where I critisized literally everything I did, including the way that I critisized myself. Then I realized I could actually be productive and constructively critisize everything I do. I can't remember much of it because it was like 2 years ago, but the kind of things people post in /r/im14andthisisx was a main one(I hadn't heard of those subs back then).
if you're actually 14
I kinda cheated there, I turn 15 in 12 days. I can't decide what to ask my parents to get for my birthday. Do you remember what you got on your 15th?Question: what have you "fixed"? Are you sure you need fixing, and not everyone else? It seems narcissistic to think that way, but it's worth considering without bias.
hubski says we've had four "interactions," but can't seem to find them. Let's buck that trend and start having conversations. You seem like a good guy/girl to talk to.
You too, let's!
I asked because there are things to change and things to leave alone. No one should be perfect, nor can they be. By 15 my parents and I were on nods-when-you-get-home-from-work terms, so I doubt it was much of an event. A pretty good guess, actually, is that they paid the fee so I could play spring baseball in a league with my friends. I think that was my de rigueur present for a long time. It's partially my fault; I never asked them for anything and never spent any time at my house so they didn't have many clues to go on. If you have all the material possessions you need, ask them to take you somewhere. Like a little road trip. Or tickets to something, for you and them, you and friends, you by yourself, whatever. Put some thought into it and they'll be happy because they'll know they're getting you something you care about enough to reflect on.
You'd be surprised how many people don't learn this through even their 20s (Constructive criticism). I've met many a cynic who lived to shoot down the ideas of others.Then I realized I could actually be productive and constructively critisize everything I do.
Ugh, yes. I have so many friends - that I do like - that have this idea that putting everything down makes them seem cool and not just sad.
Okay, you sound like me a year ago. Don't worry. The way people show they love you is by putting up with your shit. (in-reasonable quantities) At least I tell myself that.
Oh my god... you should have seen me when I was 11/12.
I think it was like 120 messages I sent to a girl I liked while she was ignoring me(It was on Skype so she did get them just no response.) Her friend had to tell me to shut up because something extremely cringey I said crossed the line. Is there a version for Twitter? if not I'm definitely making one, this would be great for me.
Oh lord you poor soul. This is how the Internet makes it worse for people learning the social ropes in their pre- and adolescence. It used to be so much harder to contact someone. You could use a landline and call someone, leaving a message on the family machine or with the family, or you could use the actual Mail, or you could see them in person. Time hop covers all social media platforms I can imagine.
It doesn't - I think. I mean everyone does it. I am/was a wallflower but since we all followed each other on facebook I would occasionally have really passionate and honest conversations with them when I/them felt like it. We did that - oh, you think that is bad - I once... That can be very liberating in small amounts.
arguewithatree and I talk about how unendingly grateful we are for not having the internet so much when we were kids. The idea of having to see the things we said and did permanently there, reminding us of our stupidity. Especially youtube and complete ubiquity of cameras and video. I mean, I think the oldest thing I would have would be IRC logs from when I was ~13. Fuck, I didn't even have a cell phone until high school.
Oh, it's a iOS/Android app. My iPod 4th gen is still using iOS 4, updating it means I need to find that mystical substance my ancestors spoke of, "Effort" I think it was called. I might mess around with Twitter4j's library just to log every tweet without mentions I send and then DM me it when it's a year old
Shameful admittance time - I've had the same fanfiction account since I was I think 11? It is a really nice place to learn writing. Now I have an story around 11,000 words that 100 people have read the whole way through.
14 year old me didn't have any friends. 14 year old me tried desperately to fit in with 'friends' that didn't care. You're already ahead of my past self. If there's one thing I've learned since then is that whoever you are now, whatever state you're in, it won't last forever and it can be changed. You have more power to change yourself and your environment than you think. More practical advice would be to seek out clubs or sports and meet new people. If your friends don't fit you any more, just slowly back out of interactions with them and find better friends, friends that don't make you feel unwanted.
This is great advice, thank you so much. My friends are great, caring people, I'm very lucky to (I hope) have them.
Which is probably why I'm so upset at the thought of them not liking me. I am going to start going to a youth club soon though, hopefully that will help.
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel." It's great that they are caring people. Judging by what you say, you care too. That means that even if you happen to screw up, you can usually fix it by explaining that you had the right intentions. We all make mistakes.
I feel like we might all be the same person. Except luckily for my social development it is illegal to home school in Sweden except if you have a damn good reason. I mean i can learn stuff on my own but life is so much better if you try to be nice to everyone. Then they will tolerate you telling them to fuck off when you're really angry.
I don't have any siblings even - and already WITH school I'm VERY awkward. It's not personal -you seem wonderful. I'm just not sure I would have gotten over thinking that me being smart outweighed the times when I was a dick if I didn't learn from classmates.
That home schooling doesn't do much for social development which makes sense considering most home schools have classes of one, or one+my siblings, which really doesn't help you learn how to relate to people who you aren't related to. Jesus Like if you wanna learn what dating is like, home school is probably not the option for you
Yes, but, ynno, probabilities of doing so are markedly lower and, ynno, it's not possible to replicate the same sheer population of people as you'd meet, ynno, at a public high school. Facts, ynno, or did your mom not teach them to you, ynno? I could expound, ynno, but, ynno, it's like its just not worth it, ynno? It is highly likely that if you are homeschooled and seek out opportunities for socialization beyond your extremely limited high school home school environment, you will seek out groups that are bound together by common interests you already know or believe you share. That means you won't be introduced to interest groups you may not have previously been interested in. That means you won't be be introduced to anyone in any capacity who you do not perceive you have some sort of pre existing common interest with. By very nature of these facts you allow yourself to filter who you meet, even if they are in your same age range, by preconceived interests, a luxury which a public or even semi private high school will never afford you. Wanna fuckin, ynno, go on? Because, ynno, I can.
Got me good. Is ynno an insult now? I thought I was a master of all the dank maymays. But uh, anyway, that's why there are so many homeschooling clubs n' shit. Half because the kids need socializing, half to get them out of the goddamn house for 5 seconds. The parents probably get tired of homeschooling before the kids do. EDIT: Love that edit. Didn't know this was a sensitive topic.
Because you insult me with every word you write? EDIT: You know what, getting buttmad is probably what you want. I remember you saying in the other thread that you liked /r/subredditdrama. I don't know how to respond without taking the b8. I seem to have done so already.
I like SRD, bud. But I'm not enjoying this. Reddit is a clusterfuck of people all asserting their opinions as if they are fact (at times), but trolling and it's poisonous ilk don't do well here, it's a small enough community that members doing so can be completely ignored. Ref isn't trolling, or seeking to get a rise out of you in any way, but is bothered by what she interpreted as condescension, which also doesn't do well here, unless it's completely merited. Granted, that's a fine line, but we all walk it and value those who show self awareness about it. You actually even find people apologizing and coming to an agreement, too. I may have missed some stuff in ya'lls conversation (I am so not reading all of this), but, for the sake of your blood pressure and the stress levels of those around you, I offer this platitude: |PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY
Fuck it, I'm taking it: Why are you being a prick? I'm usually the prick in these types of situations. The only thing I can think of is because I said "ynno." Is that it? I'm kinda lost. If this is a win/lose the argument thing, sure, you win. I just don't get why. Honestly. I'm not even being sarcastic or anything, I really do want to know. Was it something I did? And on an unrelated note: do you like cottage cheese? If so, what do you put on it when you run out of pepper? My mouth is feeling sad eating this unseasoned stuff. Ciao!
1) Your original comment, which I replied to, was sarcastic/off-put in tone. You sounded offended. You didn't sound as if you truly wanted to have a level conversation about whether or not home schooling can be, absolutely 100% of the time is, or sometimes-but-not-always can be/is detrimental to social development. Which, by the way, to my mind, is an easy conclusion to draw - that home-schooling absolutely can have detrimental effects on youth socialization and in many cases does. I'm aware that some people choose to home-school their children so they can indoctrinate them in their religious dogma, for instance. Even if you were in a "home school" of 50 kids I think this would have a negative impact on socialization (since fringe beliefs are isolating) and it wouldn't be possible in a public school, where even if your teachers AREN'T teaching evolution the simple fact and variety of the classmates around you means you are more likely to be introduced to ideas that challenge the ones your parents have driven into you your whole life. That doesn't mean homeschooling always has a negative impact. That just means it's easy for it to do so. 2) Your next comment, in which you used "ynno." First, not a word. Second, the phrase "you know" is used conversationally when stating the facts, general rules that most or all audiences would understand; hence, "they know" to what is referred. It is an expression of general social awareness. What you're stating doesn't qualify. Which leads me to my third point: because you weren't stating a general "rule of thumb" fact that, indeed, "everyone would know," the use of that phrase further compounded your tone of being offended, sarcastic, and not being interested in a level discussion. Someone who thought I was wrong and was interested in actually having a conversation with me about it, possibly to even convince me of my misaligned viewpoint, might say something like "What about recreational activities outside of school?" or etc. It wouldn't state that the presence of or participation in extra-education was obvious; clearly, from my comment, I either wasn't aware or wasn't considering these options. If I were your conversational partner in this discussion the best move would have been to say, "Well what about these options?" in which case we could have moved on to discussing the prevalence of these options and how they compare to, ynno, daily interaction with hundreds of your peers for 8 or so hours a day. 3) I edit my comments, get over it. I usually do so quickly after the fact and completely understand when someone has failed to catch the edit and doesn't respond to it, in which case I direct them to it. 4) My edit does not imply this is a sensitive topic - for me. The way you handled the entire discussion reveals it is a sensitive topic for you. One which you are not able to have without provoking your conversational partner because you don't like what they have to say. 5) I reiterate that interest groups which a person pursues out of choice, or to say, "opt-in groups," do not provide the same socialization as groups into which a person is simply thrown and then, once within the human mass, must learn how to deal: how to find people with similar interests, personalities, etc; how to interact with people without similar interests or with whom one does not get along; how to observe how others in both situations interact; how to interact with others that are perceptibly different from you (race, religion, lifestyle choices such as diet, political choices, etc); as well as what it's like to try new experiences, sign up for clubs because your friends are signing up for them, in general be exposed to new interests, and so on. I never would have participated in Track and Field if one of my friends hadn't persuaded me to in 10th grade. I don't imagine that a friend in an extracurricular club would have tried to convince me to join another, different club which, by the way, would also conflict with the first club's meeting schedule. 6) I don't care if you get buttmad, I care if you go around saying stupid, inciting shit, and then acting as if you're not responsible for it when people respond negatively. This is in my opinion one of the rudest exchanges I've seen on Hubski, specifically, your first two comments in this thread, and when I saw "one of the rudest exchanges" keep in mind that I have called out several users in a manner not dissimilar to the manner in which I have called you out. Altercation is no stranger to me. Never, in any universe, does a person who says "Do tell" mean "Please repeat exactly what you just said to me because by god I'm responding to that comment but apparently I just can't read it!" It is insulting to waste the opportunity you were given to make and defend your point of view via some sort of discussion by acting like b_b didn't even know the contents of the comment he replied to. And then you want to know why he didn't treat you as an equal! He didn't treat you like an equal because you were conversing like a child. It literally matters not a whit to me if you react emotionally to a single thing I say. It matters to me that I enjoy the discussion here, both those I read and those I participate in. When I see you or anyone else actively shitting on the quality of discussion, Imma step up. That's what this is about. 7) This is not a win/lose thing, see above. I hope this helped you but I doubt this did anything but irritate, anger, and/or upset you. If that's the case, why don't you take a second to consider the time and thought I've put into crafting this reply, and indeed many replies to you, and then weigh it against every one-liner or even one-word response you've thrown out on Hubski. Newsflash? "Mmmhmm" does not qualify as "thoughtful discussion." It counts as "worthless throw-in hoping that someone else asks me to elaborate on why I thought "mmhmm" was an appropriate response to a post, because clearly if I didn't need someone to act like they were interested in my opinion, I would have just stated it." So why don't you take a few hours to sleep on what I have to say before you jerk off with a hastily-written, aggrieved response. Aren't you the one who did research on what online community they wanted to join and settled on Hubski of all options? You must've had a reason to join Hubski, and for chrissakes I hope it was more than hoping to leech off of our pseudo-intellectual discussions without even trying to care about whether all your comments are shitposts. Try giving back to this community you so carefully selected. Try some long, thought-out, balanced, assuming-the-other-person-is-unaware-not-unintelligent interaction. Because that's the one protip I have for you: If you want to actually have a two-sided discussion about something, or if you want to change someone's mind, don't assume they're wrong. Assume they don't know what you do. Half the time that'll work and half the time they'll reveal that they do know and don't care, in which case there's no point in trying to make them. And you won't piss your conversational partner or your audience off while you're at it. ______________________ I don't eat cottage cheese, so I can't help you there, but I do appreciate the attempt to get the conversation back to a less adversarial place. (Not sarcastic.)
Leaving aside my opinions here for a sec, how am I supposed to respond to this? I can't sleep on it, to be sure. I just woke up. I'm a little scared to respond, to tell you the truth. Might as well speak from the heart, I guess? First off, all of this was good advice. I mean it, it really was. I'm taking this to heart for the next discussion I have on here. Thank you for that. Nobody wants to read about that, though, so let's get to another thing you can crucify me for! You make me mad. You make me mad in such a way that I can't see how it could be accidental. "if I didn't need someone to act like they were interested in my opinion, I would have just stated it." That's not advice. That's not telling it like it is. It's just being mean. You've caught me in this trap before I give a reply. "before you jerk off with a hastily-written, aggrieved response." Uh-huh, cross that one off your list. "I hope this helped you but I doubt this did anything but irritate, anger, and/or upset you." Sure, this helped me. Never, in any universe would a person hearing this remain calm. You've expertly chosen ways to figure out how to say "inciting shit" while feeling good about sticking it to Dipstick Mcchucklefuck over here. Me? I feel like shit. You've gotten that part down well enough. But then again, it "matters not a whit" to you how I feel. And coming towards the end, I'm thinking I shouldn't have tried to respond. Whatever will come after this will no-doubt be yet another biting 8-paragraph essay that will obviously hit every button I possess, and include many more quotable sentences. I can sum it up with this: Thank you, but also fuck off a little bit. I'll improve myself, but I'm not going to bother with including this message.
This seems to me like a difference of opinion. I spend a lot of time looking at sentences and writing and trying to get rid of every extraneous word. I also spend a lot of time thinking about why someone might say something, and about how things are said in order to elicit certain responses. To me, with what may be an absurdly reductionist or detail-oriented interpretation, (I admit these things) there is no purpose to the use of filler words/expressions such as "Mmhmm," "Oh?", and so on in text conversation. I find that when a comment comprises only of filler or reactionary words or phrases without additional context, invariably, anyone who wishes to carry on a conversation is forced to ask the person who made the comment what they mean, or to elaborate, or so on. It's not even possible to tell, for example, whether "Mmhmm" is a negative or positive response. The conversation literally cannot continue in a logical (i.e., not non sequitor) manner in any other way but to ask the "mmhmm"-er to speak more. That is because with an empty comment like that, you give everyone else in the conversation nothing to go on or respond to. So in my sights, no, I wasn't being mean or taking pot shots at you with that statement. I acknowledge fully that you may not have done this (made a filler comment to elicit questioning) deliberately. However, that's the impact of your action. I believe a lot of conversation and, generally, in-person interactions, are driven by subconscious, reptile-brain motivations that we aren't necessarily aware of. For instance, I believe that audibly expressing pain becomes more about gaining attention than letting out hurt via verbal expression as the scale of the injury becomes more minor. In other words, if you yelp after a paper cut, you're not doing it because it hurts but because you want someone to feel bad with you. If you yelp when you fall off a deck and break your arm, you're doing it because it hurts - but, admit, there's an evolutionary advantage to letting your packmates know you're injured. So yeah, I 100% believe that filler comments are more about drawing attention to oneself than contributing to the conversation. If you see that as me being mean, fine, but I assure you: it's nothing personal. ___ As for whether or not you respond hastily to comments, I drew a conclusion based on my interactions with you, which is that you do indeed respond quickly, from the gut, to (my) posts. ___ And as for whether my comment would do anything but upset you, I figure that is a natural reaction of anyone who is somewhat emotionally invested in a conversation and who feels attacked. It is natural to feel attacked when someone, a virtual stranger, picks apart your behavior. disagrees with you on general/potentially 'major' discussion topics, and in general doesn't try to be nice or mince words. You yourself state no one could read that comment and remain calm. I can't imagine that me, remarking on the ability of my own comment to irritate - acknowledging, in other words, that I understand and get that you may be pissed off - is the bulk of what elicited you feeling pissed off. I anticipated you would be unhappy because I have had these conversations before and I have seen these conversations before. I understand how people react when other people call them out on shit. I've been that person called out as well as this person right here. I have gotten so mad at people on Hubski that I have had to walk away from digital media because otherwise I wouldn't be able to resist blowing up on them. When people don't get along, they make each other mad. ___ Frankly, I appreciate the time & effort you put into your response. I get that I make you mad. It might happen again. I do believe we're also capable of having conversations where we agree and even see eye-to-eye. There are people I vehemently disagree with on many things on this website that occasionally I find myself nodding to (much to my chagrin!) when I read their comments. All I want is a mutual willingness to agree and acknowledge that we agree with each other, should that ever happen. This happened, this wasn't fun, no one liked this. That doesn't mean that we're enemies. It doesn't even mean we're that different. I make you mad, I'm sure you can conclude that you've made me mad. Mad is not, or does not have to be a permanent state. We can mostly mutually dislike each other, even, and that's fine. But I want you to know that I'm not making a permanent judgment about who you are and how I feel about you based on one or two unflattering conversation threads. People argue, and people communicate poorly, and those 2 things can create shitstorms and strong feelings but they certainly don't encapsulate the "who" a person is. I've been where you are, getting smacked down on the internet by a jerk or perceived jerk. I know there's more to who you are than this interaction. It feels personal - I know - but it's not. I don't know you. Someday on Hubski some topic is going to come up and we're going to find out we agree with each other completely about it. It'll be weird and maybe one or the other one of us won't want to, but if we are honest, we will find something we share. On that day, I will just begin to know you. ______________
WOOOO I GOT REALLY LONG AND PHILOSOPHICAL AND RAMBLY AND I THINK I LOST MY POINT AT THE END. I PROMISE THERE'S A POINT BUT I LOST MY WORDS. SORRY. "if I didn't need someone to act like they were interested in my opinion, I would have just stated it." That's not advice. That's not telling it like it is. It's just being mean.
Look, I just got back from finals. I did really well. I'm too happy to have a debate right now. I'm not a well-spoken person, but thank you for this explanation. This is the first post that I didn't feel angry reading. Er, I don't know how to make this into a productive post, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I still don't agree with all that you're saying here, but I'm sorry for being a dick about it.
Maybe because you're taking this very seriously and being very defensive. What I meant was that I was kind of a bitch before 8/9 grade and I think I still would be if I could always choose who I hang out with. But I went to the emergency room tonight and the doctor was pretty sure I had rheumatoid arthritis so I might join the tiny pack of Swedish home-schoolers soon if things don't get better. Like I'm 16 and almost ALL my joints hurt. Also, with jam. Cottage cheese and strawberry jam is nice.