It's a damn funny thing: here, I can talk to people and have little problem with it. The Hubski folks are awesome: funny, chill, always have topics to talk about and do so in a respectful manner, as equals to equals. I miss that in real life. Can't help but think it's something about me, because it can't be the whole country, can it? I made a friend recently. She reminds me so much of my younger self that I went on about lecturing her how to do better without getting her consent. I do my best to stay respectful and positive with her because I made a vow to do so with the new people I meet, but I can't help but notice how screwed her emotional world is. She sincerely believes that holding her emotions back is the best way and that her mental breakdowns - "just" every once in a while - is an okay consequence of not having to rely on anyone because she has to solve her problems herself and only herself. And I may have pushed her deeper down today by trying to make her open up a little. Fuck me. Fuck the exams that make me lose sleep, for the first time in years. Fuck having to navigate a minefield with a person whom I can actually understand, for the first time in my life. I have three exams in the next two days and I can't fucking bring myself to study because of all the worry and sorrow, and I barely know shit in either of the subjects. The only things that help me stay sane is my sharp skill of bottling emotions and as many sweet drinks as the money can buy. And Hubski. Bless Hubski.
Speaking as a person who hates talking about my emotions, and hates telling people the deepest personal stories of my life, the best way to get a person to open up is to shut up and listen. A person who is afraid to share is afraid because they don't know how you will react, or if you can be trusted. They are afraid if they tell you who they really are, they will be rejected. You have to show, through time and consistent friend actions, that you are open to what they have to say; that you will not judge or judge negatively the things they think or have to say; that it is safe for them to bring their darlings out into the open, and that you will not smash them. Don't try to pry out of them what they don't want to talk about. But do be open with your own secrets and vulnerable spots. When you are vulnerable in front of someone else, it makes them feel more safe: you have risked something, you have put your skin in the game, which means you trust them enough to tell them something which could hurt you, and it hasn't, and maybe in return they can begin to do the same.
As someone with a similar personality who learned this the hard way, then had this reinforced more times than I want to account for through therapy groups and training for 7+ years, this is spot on. One bit of knowledge I can pitch in here as well is the use of this particular dialogue to get into the habit of 'active listening'. It's clumsy at first, but provides some seriously great training wheels for creating a safe space for 1-on-1 opening up to one another. That said, it's based on a model for 'couples therapy,' which can be applied to any form of relationship, in reality. My favorite part of it all is how commonplace the wording can be, and the efficacy around de-stigmatizing opening up is profound in my experience. Your partner in these interactions may soon follow your lead and consciously, or not, start reflecting back and listening - a win-win in my book.
Thank you very much, ref, for a good advice. I must admit not to be patient most of the time, and with people, I see that it might get... difficult, for lack of a better word. I also steer the conversation towards self-imporvement a lot of time, none of which has been called or asked for yet. In my trying to help, I might be intimidating the trust of the person I want trusting me. The intent is most benevolent; I'm afraid that the result isn't always beneficial. I'll do my best in that area and see how things go.