So... I relapsed. I was tempted to disappear from hubski out of embarrassment.
It sucked. A lot. It beat me so entirely.
But I was fortunate. And I felt good enough, fast enough to write this. It's very short on purpose.
Adieu. Arrivederci. FML. Rehab 3rd time. Harder, better, faster, stronger.
But don't do it faster for fuck's sake. Oh god, why did I even type faster without thinking.
You've got this. Im glad you shared this and I'm impressed by your resolve. The addiction won yesterday but today is yours. Today is always yours. You've got this. For whatever it is worth, I am totally and completely rooting for you. You're awesome. See you on the flip side TC.
Glad you failed. Glad you're still here. Get back on the horse. You've got this. I remain impressed. Think about all the times you habe succeeded, not the times you fell. You've done so much. Focus on that. We have a tendency to focus on our failures and dismiss all the hard work we have done. Resist that temptation.
I've been meaning to write something about my own dealings with depression, but it keeps getting longer. Maybe that's okay. I'll add that one of the reasons I think it's so hard to write about is because it's so entwined with the individual, with how he or she feels, sees the world, and values things. So it's difficult to convey the totality.
All you can do, really. One thing that's helped me a lot with my issues is realized what's in my control and what's not. I don't have a substance addiction, so I don't presume to know the best way to approach it (and that too, varies from person to person I'm sure). I will just say that I've been at my most content once I figured out the difference between succeeding at something and doing something. What I mean is, the focus is on forward progress, not necessarily the end result. So for you, going back to rehab is at least trying to make things better, and at the end of the day, what else can you ask of yourself?
I can't even begin to comprehend what you're going through. I can only somewhat empathize with how you feel right now. But you're a Hubskier. So, the least I could say is - get well. You've been through a lot. I hope that the pendulum swings forth for you as much as it swung back.