This is probably the most odd I ever felt during christmas. I am, mentally and emotionally, in a different place than I usually am during this time of the year.

I am visiting my family in Israel over the holidays. I was looking forward to this break for a long time but I seem to get less rest and more baggage to deal with. After all what happened this year, the pregnancy (and abortion), the breakup, starting therapy, the next heartbreak... I feel more lonely and vulnerable than I ever did, constantly on watch for a partner to go through this with, fully knowing that no band-aid will heal my wound. Knowing that I need to be fully content with myself, and not be reliant on someone else. It is hard though and I have no clue how I can stop myself from going into that cycle of thoughts.

I have about 10 months to finish my experiments for my thesis and then another 3-4 to write and hand it in. It feels weird that in about 1.5 years, my PhD will be over and my 12 years of being a student, officially over. What comes next? I wanted to travel a bit. Visit Japan, Argentina, and maybe get to Burning Man.

That reminds me, what are your "must do" things in the states? I love climbing, hicking, and good dance parties.

With all honesty, I am going to meet the girl I fell for a few months ago tomorrow morning and my brain is freaking out. I am scared of the feelings. Scared of the next reminder that, this relationship too, has no future and I will be trucking alone again.