Is this you?

Philodendrons were already hot. Variegated versions — meaning splotched, speckled, or striped — even hotter. ‘Pink Princess’ sports shield-shaped leaves mottled in white, black, burgundy and hot pink — basically a philodendron redone in pink camo. Who wouldn’t want luscious leaves to match your hoodie?

Is this you?

Averaging $50 to $89 for a young plant in a 4-inch pot, these Philodendron ‘Pink Princesses’ are a bargain — three years ago, a single PPP leaf could sell for $500 or more on Etsy or eBay.

Is this you?

People still remember the early morning lines when a handful of Monstera deliciosa ‘Thai Constellation’ — an upgrade on the fashionable plain green Monstera with leaves splashed in white — dropped at Fred Meyer.

'cuz this is you:

Once a collector plant hits retail stores, especially larger box stores, its price plummets because of increased supply.

Wandered through this bullshit factory last month. They share a parking lot with a paintball store which is fuckin' awesome. They were selling Jewel Orchids in 2" pots for $55. Now - I grow Jewel Orchids on my green wall. My father-in-law propagates them in his spare time. Used to sell them at plant sales for $2 for a 4" pot. At $55 a cutting I throw away oh, two grand a month?

But I couldn't sell that shit to you because I don't wanna be the starfucker dipshit willing to grin through my teeth and honor your hopeless sucks-at-adulting can't-sort-my-laundry failwhale of a life.

Do whatever hipster bullshit you want? But if you've ever paid double digits for a fucking philodendron I'm going to mock your every financial choice forever and when you end up on cat food at 67 you will have earned it.