Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Okay. Well. What a start to this tag. Holy god. Why did I pick this movie?
Alien Origin is a movie by Asylum Films or whatever, the company that makes low budget shit films to trick drunk people and the elderly out of their money. They are notorious for having awful plots and low budget CGI, which is why I decided to go with an asylum film to give my netflix que a better mix of good and bad movies. Right now, due mostly to my stellar taste in cinema, its all pretty much great movies, and that's just not very fun. You need a balance.
I wasn't ready. I thought I knew, I really did. I've seen other Asylum films; I laughed my ass off during "Death Racers" or whatever the spin-off of "Death Race" was, "Transmorphers" is hilarious, they're all these really incredibly shitty movies that I usually can find some sort of dumb entertainment in, or at least snort derisively. This movie is just so boring. I'd say it was like watching paint dry, but at least then there's a pay-off; you get to see a painted surface that's dry. "Alien Origin" has no payoff.
But let's step back. Let's look at the plot first.
A group of soldiers go through a forest in generic latin American country in order to place cameras around, then they decide to rescue two American archaeologists for some reason, then aliens attack the squad and kill everyone. Or it might have been one alien. Okay, at least one alien attacks the squad and kills literally everyone. Then the movie is over.
There is no tension or drama in the story, there's no emotional core, there's no acting, no sound design. Its a found footage style film, and to give it at least one positive...thing...it at least feels like a found footage film. They use actual cameras, including shitty cell phone cameras, which I would find interesting in a better movie. Unfortunately, jungles and caves are dark, so shitty cameras just means most of the shots are just a bunch of well illuminated people on a black screen, whispering so quietly I had to turn on subtitles.
I almost don't want to write any more of this review. The film is just so fucking bad, even by bad movie standards. None of the character's have names, there's no acting, nothing. It takes itself seriously for no goddamn reason, and for some reason whoever edited this, if there even really was an editor, couldn't go more than 15 seconds without a random cut to another shot that didn't add anything to the scene or change the scene at all.
Cuts in this movie are so fast and out of no where that my brain actually just stopped trying to follow them, and I actually had to rewind 5 minutes of the film because I had entirely zoned out. Then I unrewound it when I realized the 5 minutes I missed consisted of people walking in a forest not talking and not looking at anything interesting. Most of this movie is just people not talking in a forest moving to another part of the set. Nobody makes jokes, nobody discusses shit, its just "hey we need to go here, we're going here" then they get there and they need to leave again for some reason or whatever. Its an excellent movie if you want to start a deep self-examination of everything wrong with your life.
There's nothing satisfying about this movie, there's nothing to chew on or digest or even laugh at, which is insane considering the fact that alien monster whatever shoots fucking fireworks as its weapon. They're supposed to be future space shit but they're fireworks, and I stared them straight on with the most bored, stoic expression I think I've ever had. This movie somehow expresses negative emotion; you can no longer feel joy, or love, or hate, or sadness. Just boredom.
Also? Apparently the alien in the movie is supposed to be a human ancestor. According to the movie, it matches 70% of Human DNA. theadvancedapes can probably provide more insight here, but that is basically the same DNA match as that of a sponge.
I'll end this review on a positive note. Chelsea Vincent is actually tolerable as whatever you would call an actress who is at no point told to act or do anything of note. She seems to be the only person on camera having fun at any point and does a silly walk with a gun. She also has the exact same superpower as every other woman on the planet: the ability to preserve their perfect makeup in an environment that drenches everyone else in sweat. Her character of nobody cares what her name is also happens to be the most enjoyable one, because she is at least attractive enough.
She dies towards the end probably. They show a girl in a tank top laying down on some leaves, that's basically dead in shit movie terms. There's no zinger for this one. It just fucking sucks.
It can probably only get better. What other movies am I watching this week? Take a look!
Week of April 7th through April 13th:
Alien Origin DON'T WATCH Surf Nazis Must Die I don't even know! Man on the Moon Nothing is cool? LOL Yes, this is a movie. Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy Jane Fonda's Boobs!
Haha sounds like a horrible film. I will take your advice and never watch it. I'm not sure what to make of the movies claim that the aliens are 70% related to humans without more context (but from your description it doesn't sound like you get any). I would guess that they were trying to imply that there was an intelligent species that evolved on Earth in the past? And is now returning? Not too sure.
Genetic similarity alone does not really tell you much about organisms (other than perhaps their phylogenetic relationship). But it is incorrect to say x animal shares 70% of our DNA so they are 70% human. That makes no sense. For example, bananas have 50% of human DNA. But are bananas 50% human? Obviously not. The problem with the comparison is that genetics isn't simply a blueprint that can be read the same way for every organism. A banana may share the same amino acid sequences for 50% of its DNA but all of the homologous sequences may be expressed in different ways or at different times during ontogeny. Essentially, the comparison does not account for development. It is also important to note that the comparison does not account for junk DNA (which does not code for anything). So in the case of junk DNA, bananas and humans could share the same sequences but those sequences don't code for anything - so understanding entire genome similarities becomes less meaningful. Finally, the comparison is intellectually bankrupt because you don't get any understanding of the genes that are different, how much they differ, and when they were selected for. But ... as I said ... the comparison is useful phylogenetically... sometimes. I've explored some of this in a post before about humans and great apes. And I've had my own alien movie rant before as well. I feel your pain.
I have friends with movies released on Troma. Even they won't touch Asylum. SURF NAZIS MUST DIE has one, maybe two jokes in it. It's entertaining to have watched but awkward to actually watch, kind of like Spinal Tap but way,way, way worse. BARBARELLA you can't just watch. You have to know a few things about it. BARBARELLA does not really give you the proper impact without understanding the sexual tension that was Jane Fonda and Roger Vadim's disintegrating marriage, the background of Truffaut against which it played, the fact that it's got Marcel Marceau in a speaking role... I mean, it's a hell of a film. Just the killer dolls and the dude in the chest dickie who saves her alone. As you watch, remember: they've tried to shoehorn both Drew Barrymore and Rose McGowan in that role recently. And can you imagine the three-cornered clusterfuck Mr. Spy Kids would have made of it?
Don't knock Troma. Cannibal! the Musical was a great movie.
The ultimate spoiler is that nothing happens in this movie. I honestly wish I could have done a much better review, but there's really nothing going on for almost the entire film. There isn't even moments where its funny bad, its just so goddamn boring. I'm not doing Asylum again. That was awful.