Conversely, I am great at being single, and often think I am bad at being in a relationship. I guess the first step would be, stop trying to date anyone. At all. Just don't. You want to focus on you, right? So just tune out romantic notions. Don't make it a priority in your life. You can meet new people doing things like kayaking, camping, and fishing - they don't have to be solitary. I have found that the best way to meet people is by already knowing people. Hang out with them and meet their friends. Over time, you will accumulate more. Alternatively, there are sites and services like meetup.com which are specifically formed to help you meet a group of people with a common interest, like say - kayaking, camping, or fishing. Meeting people takes time. However, if you arein school, it is surprisingly easy to meet people and gain friends - even through focusing on schoolwork. Find people to study with in your classes or just find people that seem cool and sit next to them, start talking. Go to parties you are invited to. Ask someone if they wanna grab a bite with you after class. I talk a little bit about personal hierarchies in my response to 8bit down below. You may or may not find that helpful. Focus on ensuring that you are doing what you like to do. Focus on meeting your goals. You will find you still meet people doing this. And that maybe, you will make progress towards becoming the kind of person you'd like to be.
That would rock, if it weren't so damn difficult. When I say I'm good at being a boyfriend, I mean that I frequently come up with, completely spontaneously, little ideas/gifts/thoughtful gestures that I know a S.O. would appreciate, but would not be allowed for any female friend (They all seem to be in relationships, some good, some bad) This happens without any forethought on my part, and NOT having an outlet for my 'romantic' energy causes anxiety and depression. The personal hierarchy thing is something I've been working on for a long time. I was raised very religious, so overcoming the 'God First, Others Second, Yourself Third(Last)' takes a lot of de-conditioning, even thought I no longer practice or believe in that faith. And yes, I'm aware the things I enjoy don't have to be solitary, however, unless priority is set, at some point to meet people, simply pursuing the hobbies themselves to their end isn't going to make me new friends. My desire for a S.O., rather than hookups, given my age, comes from a desire to have someone to appreciate those things with, who values a lot of the same things that I do, currently that void, for lack of a better word, is occupied in bits and pieces, but not totally, and not by any one person. Remember too the 'general male conditioning' of 'I can only be emotionally intimate with people I am physically intimate with as well,' so there's even a hard limit on the times/places where I can express these feelings. I know I sound defeatist, but I can't help but wonder if it's the rational response.I guess the first step would be, stop trying to date anyone. At all. Just don't. You want to focus on you, right? So just tune out romantic notions.
Well, why can't you have multiple people to fill those voids? I think it may be a little unreasonable to expect a significant other to fill in every role of what you enjoy in life. (Depends on how long the list is!) Why can't you have, say, six male friends with whom you fish, kayak, go to bars, and so on This sounds like "it causes me anxiety and depression to not do things for other people." That is a very interesting problem to have, I would say. Maybe it is tied to your upbringing. What about volunteering or in some way giving back to the community? It's not romantic, necessary, but it might help with some of that?comes from a desire to have someone to appreciate those things with, who values a lot of the same things that I do, currently that void, for lack of a better word, is occupied in bits and pieces, but not totally, and not by any one person.
NOT having an outlet for my 'romantic' energy causes anxiety and depression.
I volunteer for a cause that I'm very passionate about, through two different non-profits and a support group in addition to several online communities I help moderate. Yes, I derive a lot of pleasure from helping people, but my 'platonic altruism' needs are being met. Romance, in the cutesy, LTR way is essentially an instinct. I could squash this part of myself, I'm fairly confident I could do it rather quickly too, but I'm almost 100% certain it would never return. I'm trying to cultivate that, but it's harder than it sounds. My best friend since 8th grade is becoming a shut in after living in a frat house for 2 years, now he goes to class, plays video games, and other than when I invite him somewhere, or drag him out somewhere, he doesn't really socialize, or even leave the house. He has lost a lot of the adventure we had in high school. Most of my friends from school (Male and female) aren't around in the summer, for various reasons, and like I'm saying, they've all got bits and pieces of a very core part of my identity. I don't think a healthy relationship requires a perfect overlap of interests/values, but I feel a really base desire for a relationship that goes farther, deeper than platonic 'Oh you're pretty neat to hang out with sometimes, when I'm free, bored or otherwise not busy.'This sounds like "it causes me anxiety and depression to not do things for other people." That is a very interesting problem to have, I would say. Maybe it is tied to your upbringing. What about volunteering or in some way giving back to the community? It's not romantic, necessary, but it might help with some of that?
Why can't you have, say, six male friends with whom you fish, kayak, go to bars, and so on