OK, basically, my issue with this is that it doesn't work when it really matters. I'll explain. I agree that nothing on the 'ski can cause a tangible problem unless I let it. However: for me, the reason that I sometimes can't walk away from conflicts is that they tend to arise when I care a lot about someone. For example, the reason that Quatrarius's sarcastic reply to my comment stung so much is that I care kind of a lot about his opinion (also on some level I knew he was right, at least in terms of intended message). This ties into an exchange I had with eightbitsamurai: I was having issues with one of my friends being a jerk about the music I was producing, and 8bit said something to the effect of "Simple. Don't be friends with him." I badged that comment because it was so simple, yet so effective, but eventually I realized that I can't just not be friends with him. I value his friendship, and, quite frankly, his opinion about my music. That's why I cared about him insulting it. If I didn't care about someone's opinion, I would just ignore it. But when I do care, and they hide their criticisms behind insults, it's painful. I can't ignore that.
1. Today someone I loved said something mean and sarcastic to me. It's hard, but I am trying to see those comments as an expression of his pain (which it was). The sarcasm spreads the pain to others. I did say, "Are you being sarcastic?" He said, "Yes." I didn't say, "I'm sorry you're feeling pain." 2. 3. But there's only so much we can care about without exploding or going mad. ("Humankind cannot bear very much reality" - T. S. Eliot) 4. And of course you can't just dump a friend because he doesn't like your music. But a little bit of your friendship dies. Your sense of oneness and sharing is no longer pure. The friend has expressed divergent and contrary opinions. It is a new friendship. To be a healthy friendship you have to "respect his opinion" -- (to refer to another conversation). By that I mean, let him have his opinion. It can differ from yours. But you are hurt because you want to be loved and appreciated. At some point, perhaps much much later, you'll realize that not liking your music does not mean he doesn't like you. In fact he feels enough trust in the friendship to express his feelings to you. If you want to know more, say "Tell me more." Whatever he doesn't like, it's about the music. You are not your music -- but you don't know this yet. so you felt hurt. Eventually, learn to surround yourself with people who care about your feelings. Hubski is mostly safe, but not entirely. If the waters get rough, look around and there might be a lifeguard in this ocean of thought.also on some level I knew he was right, at least in terms of intended message)
We sometimes get even more defensive if we suspect there's some truth in the perceived attack.If I didn't care about someone's opinion, I would just ignore it. But when I do care, and they hide their criticisms behind insults, it's painful.
You care about what you care about. Not caring is the real enemy. When we care less, we become less kind. Q mentions in his comments: "I didn't view you as someone to be nice to." -- He saw you as not being worthy of care. In fact, he diminished himself, isolated himself, became less humane. When he, in this case, stopped caring, he engaged in random acts of meanness. This made him even more unlovable, thus reinforcing his low opinion of himself.
That's a good issue. In my mind, though, you can't really have it "both ways." I genuinely stop caring about people if they act in such a manner that caring about them would hurt me. It's almost tautological, to my mind. I value someone's friendship because it is worth valuing, and then if they insult my music in needlessly hurtful ways, I devalue their friendship. Maybe not in a binary sense from 1 to 0 immediately, but continuously, such that if they needlessly hurt me I assign their opinion a lower impact and the next time they do whatever they did to hurt me, it automatically hurts me less because I care less. Time is all we've got and I choose who I spend mine with very carefully.
For me this is the crucial part. I can't immediately stop caring about someone just to avoid a conflict. It takes place over time, and in the interim you have to have other, more interpersonally-focused strategies for dealing with conflict.Maybe not in a binary sense from 1 to 0 immediately