I think I had a panic attack yesterday morning. I can't say for sure but I think it was because it sprang from nowhere. Work has been fine and school has been fine and I've been really productive, but midway through making breakfast I just kinda curled up on the floor and said "everything is OK" a million times like I was trying to convince myself, lol. I'm fine now but it left a weird bad taste in my mouth afterwards. Meh. Side note before I go off to class - it is weird to think how little I talk in a single day. All my classes are lectures, my first job has me at a computer with a boss that's gone till October leaving me to my own devices. I get back to my place the exact same time my roommate goes off to work most days. Then It's homework/job #2/personal projects for the rest of the day, then bed. Sometimes I will go an entire day not saying a word aloud. It's surreal when you think about it. Edit: it's stuff like this Ahmed thing that make me not even want to get out of bed, lol. Lol yeah no offense but fuck all of you, soon as I graduate I'M OUT, PEACE.Ahmed told the Morning News that when he was taken into the room for questioning, an officer said, "Yup. That's who I thought it was." Ahmed, whose family immigrated to the US from Sudan, said he started feeling self-conscious about his Muslim name and brown skin.
14 year old kid + NASA shirt + curiosity + intelligence + soldering skills + brains = Engineering Wunderkid! 14 year old kid + NASA shirt + curiosity + intelligence + soldering skills + brains + brown skin and "arab sounding name" = HOLY SHIT CALL THE COPS AND THE ARMY AND THE NSA AND CAPTAIN AMERICA WE'VE GOT A SITUATION HERE! ugh...
The funny thing is I had friends that brought legit bombs to school all the time. Pipe bombs were just things you made. We had one kid (who got suspended for three days) who literally threw an unlit one at a girl in the hallway in middle school between classes. That was 9am. Bomb Squad didn't show up until like 2 in the afternoon, when some twit pointed it out to a teacher. Shit, I had friends that rolled into high school with a trunk full of UXO they'd found out past the barbed wire. Knew another kid that made a 9mm single-shot derringer in shop class. I think he called it a "sculpture." Oh, wait. I didn't mean "funny."
Way back when, it seems like a million years ago, we used to go across the border into Mexico, to the construction sites to buy 1/4 and 1/2 sticks of Dynamite. Not the pussy-ass fake crap that the "edgy" kids made from The Anarchist Cookbooks, REAL stuff. The stuff they used to shatter boulders and blow up the sides of hills during highway construction. The hard part was getting the blasting caps... shooting them did not set off the explosion for example. I took a 1/4 stick to school to show some of the people who wanted to know what Dynamite looked like as they had never seen it before. So, let's recap what the world used to be like. Four white kids in a beat up old ass car, with enough dynamite hidden in the trunk to take down a building are crossing the US border. We were asked if we were drinking or carrying drugs and then sent on our way. As the drinking age in Mexico was 18, two of our friends would get a beer or two so we could tell the border patrol that we went down to drink and took turns driving. We were never searched, never questioned; I think that once I had to pull out a driver's license but that was all. I then took a stick of Dynamite to school. Think you can do that now? That is actually kinda amazing. If he did not redneck himself I bet he is one of the guys playing with 3D printers.Knew another kid that made a 9mm single-shot derringer in shop class. I think he called it a "sculpture."
He was a strange and wonderful fellow. He was building a fluid computer at 17 because he thought it would be cool - literally NAND and XOR gates using miniature hydraulics. It got him an internship at one of the machine shops at the lab when he was 17; when I needed a busted bolt removed from a cylinder head and was screwing around with easy outs, he said "lemme just take it to work and use the EDM burner." I've always harbored the notion that he was fighting a schizophrenic break, 'cuz he got kinda weird. But according to LinkedIn, he's got a Ph.D in mechanical engineering from Johns Hopkins and was a post-doctoral fellow in robotics.
My grandad was involved in bomb disposal in the RAF, he was taking a class and set them the homework task of building a bomb so they could see how it all worked etc. Well wouldn't you know, one of the students left their homework on the train and nobody noticed a damn thing.
It happens all the time now too. My school has had two pipebombs, one knife, and a drugged-out kid going to war with a security guard. We get a letter home and nobody gives a fuck.
I almost wish the kids at my school were that sophisticated. The most serious assault I remember was with a bike pedal. Or crankshaft. Or some other bike part. Teachers get an e-mail when it happens, and then students get a vague letter home the next day. Most the time though, if kids fight with security (a monthly, if not weekly occurrence), it tends to be with fists. The SRO fired his Taser once, but it didn't deploy correctly or something like that. It's weird, because I know a ton of people have knives or even guns with them, but those people tend to not get in situations with security that they would use them. No bombs that I know of though, so that's a relief.
I've been thinking about the talking thing too. As soon as I'm out of work some days the talking and socializing thing ends right there for the day. Outside of the internet, of course.
Jesus. #istandwithahmed Poor kid. I'm sorry about what happened. I hope a half assed sub and some interesting company makes a little difference.
That's some real shit man. I hope you're well. Call your family or close ones and keep them close. And I'll see your ass Friday! (unless that adds to the anxiety - then just pretend you're going to get a sandwich all by yourself on Friday)I think I had a panic attack yesterday morning.
INT. SANDWICH SHOP - OVERLY WHITE ACADEMIC SUBURB - AFTERNOON A fat middle aged man walks into a busy sandwich shop and approaches handsome young college student eating alone at table fat middle aged man cries into his BLT and quietly slaps a sticker on the window as he leaves FADE TO BLACK steve: "yo Samurai! Hubski Meet up YAH!" you: "WTF dude - Who are you? Pups Ski? What? I have no idea what you're talking about. CAN'T A MAN EAT IN PEACE?!" steve: "but... you're the only person of color in Boulder county right now. you have to be you" you: "eat shit you racist weirdo" steve: "but... hubskina... and... insom... and kb... and... tng... and.... stickers?" you: "you're weird dude. go home"
Yeah that story's just been on my mind all fucking day. What a shit-show. My brother (we're Muslim + brown) very nearly got into some serious trouble because someone had sent in an anonymous bomb threat to his school and the authorities immediately assumed that he, as the resident brown dude, was at fault - this was like right after 9/11 I think. Luckily, the culprit confessed before anything took a turn for the worse but still...that story always scared me as a kid. This was in a pretty typically liberal place too, really shocked us all. Unfortunately, shit like that is happening in a lot of countries these days - I've a couple stories to tell from all around the world, but maybe I've just had bad luck or something. It is really apparent in stories like this in America cause our police force can sometimes be absolutely bonkers but it can take on a very sinister, subtle tone in Europe. It's depressing.
Mental health solidarity. I've had a few... The word episode sounds really too poignant, episodes of severe anxiety and full on reptile brain fight-or-flight response lately. I think it's because my mediative practice is slipping and I'm slowly creeping back up into my own head more and more. We're all gonna make it.