- To the uninitiated, having Chill and being cool are synonyms. They describe a person with a laid-back attitude, an absence of neurosis, and reasonably interesting tastes and passions. But the person with Chill is crucially missing these last ingredients because they are too far removed from anything that looks like intensity to have passions. They have discernible tastes and beliefs but they are unlikely to materialize as passionate. Passion is polarizing; being enthusiastic or worked up is downright obsessive. Excessive Chill is “You do you” taken to its most extreme conclusion, giving everyone’s opinions and interests equal value so long as they’re authentically ours.
I don't agree with the whole thing, but I like the message.
Well the message is timeless - emotional involvement is the coin of the realm and the person who expresses the least of it is in charge of the relationship. The author is on the losing end and she's butt-hurt. That paragraph you highlighted is the introduction to a six paragraph disquisition on the difference between "chill" and "cool" so that she can pass off her frustrations as if they're something new under the sun: "Chill is a garbage virtue that will destroy the species." But remember, "chill" is not "cool" - "Chill is what Cool would look like with a lobotomy and no hobbies. " LOL. What has two thumbs and no hobbies? Keep in mind - that's a '70s perspective on a '50s stereotype and aside from the hair and the jacket, that's "chill." "Cool", for what it's worth, dates back to Hamlet at least: Upon the heat and flame of thy distemper Sprinkle cool patience. I dunno. Probably makes me old, but this whole essay reads like something Reese Witherspoon would say in some earnest '90s movie. Romance has always been about two people mutually ditching their aloofness and finding happiness. JIMMY STEWART HAS ZERO CHILL
O gentle son,
Dear Ben, You know how they say that you only find good relationships when you are "not looking" for them, and that you have to improve yourself and focus on yourself in order to become someone who will be an ideal partner? While articles about dating and relationships do definitely interest me, and so I generally tend to read them if I see them... Dude, you post a lot of them. (Disclaimer: Looking at your post history, that isn't necessarily true - or false. It's not overwhelming but I do think there's a preponderance.) A casual observation from your friend, _refugee_ _____ Edited to Add: I have found in the dating world you end up dating people who are "chill" and want you to be "chill" when you are naive and inexperienced enough to either not know what you want, or not know what it looks like when you get it. If you know you want a committed relationship with someone who is passionate about you, it's gonna take maybe 2 dates before you can smell the chill from a mile off. Personal experience here. The thing is people are either afraid to admit what they want and no shame about it, or inexperienced and hang out on a hook waiting for "chill" to turn into "interested." Interest is evident from Day 1. If you don't end Date 1 by going home, still texting each other until you finally go to bed; if you have one text conversation after Date 1 setting up Date 2 and that's it - well, the first person's interested, and the second's not or not sure. And "not sure" means "not interested [enough]" so move on. Find someone who doesn't need to figure out if they want you. Find someone who knows they do.
This is only a problem for people who try to convince themselves they are something they aren't. Or that they are seeking a different kind of relationship than they are. At one point in my life I would happily get into something casual with no need to call it a date and that worked because i gravitated to other people who were looking for the same thing. Actually I would say I still encounter the same type of guys but I'm just not into it so I turn them down. That's because now I'm not looking for casual and I don't try to convince myself somebody will change their mind. Hell my last "thing" ended because we realized we wanted completely different things in life so that was that. It's entirely possible to find somebody who wants more than "chill" but we have to be upfront about it. "Chill" won't destory our species, people just need to learn to be honest about what they want in life. This is my general observation at least.