I just spent 10 days in beautiful Northern Michigan with my family. I did a good amount of fishing, biking, swimming and boating while I was there but my favorite day was spent in the Traverse City area on a wine tour. My wife and I visited 3 michigan wineries and really enjoyed the experience. This photo was taken at our last stop, L. Mawby Winery, where we had some delicious Sex -Hence the grin in the picture. All in all a fantastic vacation, very relaxing but full of activities.
We have two dogs and while we were away we employed our baby-sitter to house/dog sit. Prior to allowing her to do this, I spoke to her mother to make sure she was okay with this. Her mom seemed really involved and asked a lot of good questions about us and our home/neighborhood, to ensure her daughter would be safe. Last night when we arrived back, our dogs looked healthy and happy and the house looked in good order. Then upon closer inspection, we noticed that the house was really pretty grimy. We keep a very clean house and it's easy to tell when something is askew. There were shoe-prints everywhere and the white bath mat in our guest bathroom was dark grey from all the traffic. Also in the guest bathroom was a toilet full of projectile vomit. It was even on the bathroom walls. -Someone got really sick.
We went to water our plants and in one of the plant boxes was a bag of pot. -Not much, but unmistakably pot. I also found a red plastic cup downstairs with remnants of what smelled like Pina Colada.
Let me preface my question with this: I wouldn't have been the kind of kid that would have thrown a party at the house I'm watching. I would have been the kind of kid that had 2 friends over, smoked pot and had my girlfriend sleep over. But the owners would have never known because there wouldn't be vomit and grimy floors as evidence. I fully expect that when I let a 17 year old watch my home, she is probably going to have her boyfriend over. I'm a little pissed though because the house is gross. Really gross. There was a glass of booze in my daughters room. They partied in my daughters room. I'm pissed.
Questions are: Would you call her mother and let her know what you've found? Would you still pay her for watching the dogs even though you've now got to clean your house after her party?
The only reason I consider letting her mother know is because I am now a father and when my daughter is 17, I would be upset if the family employing her didn't let me know. I feel I have an obligation to her parents.
What do you guys think?
Also, its great being back. I missed you Hubski. As you can see from the photo, you all were with me, even when I was having Sex at the winery.
Great question. In their defense, it really wasn't that much. See that little bud up in the corner? It also appears to be schwag. I'm guessing that they got drunk and forgot about it.
Were they also getting high with Bozo the Clown? What the fuck kind of plastic bag is that?
I have no idea but that just cracked me up. I thought it was strange too.
I just mean that they are obviously new to it. Amateurs.
The sort of person you can not be trusted to take care of your house or child.
I personally say let it slide but cross her off your list of house-sitters.
Or let her know you know and are letting it slide sometimes a close call teaches someone more than a confrontation. p.s. if I knew it was your house I would have aimed better when I vomited ;)
I can understand you getting the cleaning service in as soon as possible. While insomnia's suggestion is great, it would take time and you have to live there with your kids and not be disgusted every second. So the clean-up is done. The money for the clean-up should in theory be deducted from whatever you owe. But KEY THING in your note above. You say you employed "our babysitter." That is someone you have already had over to look after your kids. This is an ongoing relationship, not a one-off dogsitting event. That makes this more serious. Your trust has been violated. Trust is everything. Do you want to continue the babysitting relationship? If you do, then you have to rebuild trust. So here's my suggestion: Have her over (ostensibly to pay her) and ask her to tell you how it went. See how she handles the question. It sounds like you're willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Will she tell you what happened? If she doesn't tell you, then tell her what your found and what it cost you. In either case, ask her how she might make this up to you. See what she says. Then decide. There might be a lot at stake for her - babysitting jobs, her reputation in the community, and so on. Get more information.
Thanks lil, the cleaning was definitely something that couldn't be held off. Here's the wall in our normally pristine bathroom: Pretty gross, right? As for the babysitting... that ship has sailed. We will not be employing her again. You have my trust till you abuse it, then it's gone for good unless we are friends or family.
Alright. So this is TOTALLY me. Except we did it at my best friends parents house when they were in Napa Valley for the weekend. This is how they handled it. First, photograph EVERYTHING and collect everything. Every bag of weed, every cup, the vomit. Then collect and print out the pictures it all and put on the counter. Then get the little unclean bitch and her mother over and ask what happened. When she walks in there will be a pile of evidence on the counter and she is going to get the worst feeling in her stomach and sweat and feel like shit. Don't yell at her or bitch her out, just say that you trusted her and she screwed up. Tell her you'd like her to clean up her mess. Say that she probably didn't intend it to get that out of control or people to vomit but it did and you are holding her responsible. Ask her if she has any friends she wants to have over to help her. Tell her you will call them and get them to come over and help and it won't be on her head. Even if the house is clean, she can scrub the floors or something. And watch her. Stand there and watch her. This is what my friends parents did to me, my friend, and two other of our friends and all of our parents. It was the worst punishment but we deserved it. Kids will be kids, we partied, we didn't clean, there was vomit all over the guest bathroom, there was a tampon in the nightstand of her parents bedroom, we fucked up. And we got punished. The punishment fit the crime. It wasn't angry, it was just a lesson that we had to learn. You definitely have to let her parents know. 4 years ago, I probably would've said "be cool" but no. If she gets away with this she won't learn. I had a party just last week at my bosses house and we got completely shitfaced. But that house was cleaner than when we got there. I mopped the floors, I cleaned the baseboards. I made sure everyone knew that I would kick their ass out in a heartbeat if there was a sprinkle of piss or vomit on the toilet bowl. Everyone I had over was respectful and even though we were shitfaced. They knew that the house we were raging in was going to be left spotless because I told them before they even walked in. I learned my lesson. She needs to too. Last bit of advice, don't say things like "this could've happened, someone could've gotten alcohol poisoning and died," etc. I heard this so many times and although it may have been true, it will not sink in and she will most likely take less of the things you do say to heart.
First off, thanks. I'll admit, I was hoping you would weigh in on this because this girl actually reminds me of you. She's smart, good natured but she obviously likes to have fun too. I don't fault her for this, but she should have been smart enough to cover her tracks. Also, have a few friends over and not the entire school. The floors looked like the football team was wearing their cleats in the house. I had a cleaning service come this morning and clean the house. I like the idea of having all the evidence on the counter, but really there isn't much. The floors are clean now, the vomit is clean now and there's just a bag of pot and a plastic cup. Luckily, I took photos of the rug and the vomit. I think I am going to take your advice and let her mother know and ask that they come together to drop off the key. What's your thoughts on whether or not I should pay her for dog sitting? I thought I would throw this question to her mom. I don't want her to not get paid, I like the girl but I don't want to reward her for behaviors that her mom/dad disapprove of. I should mention that my wife thinks I should just handle this with the girl and not the parents. If you know my wife and I, you would likely find this ironic. So pay, or not pay? Also, I would never yell or be angry towards her. That would be hypocritical of me, and I'm not a yeller. -I was 17 once too and she's probably a hell of a lot better of a kid than I was. Still, the punishment should fit the crime and it's not my place to administer it, its her parents imo.
You can always talk to her and her mom and then say you want to talk to her mom alone and ask her mom how she wants to handle it. I'm guessing her mom won't mind her administrating the punishment but it's a good idea to talk about it first and get on the same page. Ask her mom about the money, as well. Say "she did a good job and took care of the dogs so I don't know if not paying her is fair." Maybe offer give the money to her mother and let her give it to her in the future after her grounding or whatever is up. My parents would take things away from me and then give them back when I met a set of expectations (like grades or cleaning the house or whatever.) I'm almost positive this is what happened: she mentioned to a couple friends that she was housesitting for you, they decided that they were going to drink there, her friends told some others, maybe she had a guy in her life that she likes but he doesn't respect her because hes a 17 year old boy, and all the sudden a couple people drinking turns into the entire school. The biggest party we had at my friends house started with 5 of us and 5 of her brothers friends. Suddenly people were just showing up. It gets out of control really fast. And that was before the time of facebook. The first party we had we didn't get caught and that's why the next one turned into a shitshow. The one we had after that didn't though because we were not in the mood to clean or be punished again. IMO, you have to tell her mom. It's not even a question. She's probably expecting it already and if you don't she'll just feel immense relief and not learn anything.
Life can be cruel in high school. I had a party at my own house that started to get out of control, so I told some older dudes they weren't welcome. They decided that to get back at me they would lawn job the neighbor's house (or maybe they were just plain mean indiscriminately, I don't know). Totally uncalled for and nonsensical, but that's high school. There's really no good way to handle this. But in the end young people need to learn that when they're paid to perform a service, they need to do the service without fucking up. The best thing from my perspective would be to hire a cleaning crew and deduct the cost from her fee. Money talks.
Thanks insom, you rule. I agree with all of this and it's the route I plan on taking. I especially like the idea of paying her mother and allowing her to decide how to administer it. She did do a nice job watching the dogs and I really do think she's a good kid. When talking about this last night, I mentioned to my wife exactly what you said, it probably started off as a few friends and then word got out and all of a sudden it's a bash not a get-together. Great advice! Thank you.
Last advice, if her mom looks really upset or angry, remind her that her daughter is a good kid, a good worker, and smart. She just made a mistake. I'm the oldest and so my parents went through all my shit for the first time. My friend had 3 older brothers so her parents were already experienced in the teenage ways. My parents would get really wrapped up and act like a nug of weed was the the end of the world. They started crying when they found out about the party. My friends parents reminded them that of my group of friends I was the most responsible and that I put school and work first unlike their daughter and it opened their eyes to the bigger picture. Sometimes parents can forget that their kid is actually a good kid when they fuck up.
UPDATE: So I talked to her mother and let her know what I found. She was great about it, she was disappointed and used the word "sad" to describe how she felt. She said that she would ask her her side of what happened and let her try and explain what happened. We both agreed that it was likely a situation where she had a couple friends over and it got out of hand. I just received a text message from the girl and she was EXTREMELY apologetic. It seems very sincere and it's pretty lengthy. Some quotes: "I don't know what came over me, I am ashamed". She says that she only had 5 friends over to celebrate one of their birthdays and "apparently I don't know my friends that well". She doesn't want us to pay her and wants to pay for any "damages". There aren't any damages, but now I'm wondering if she knows something I don't. She's going to come by with the key and I'll get a chance to ask her about what happened. She said she realizes she abused our trust and it makes her upset because she really likes our dogs and our daughter. Thanks for the help/advice everyone. Especially you insom, I essentially used your approach and I think it proved to be the right one.
Bummer man. Did you check to see if all small valuables in your home are still there? Had a friend in high school that had the "party house" one weekend his parents were out of town. Turns out his Mom's engagement ring and a pair of expensive earrings were taken as the totally awesome cool party went on. Some weakly-connected guests thought nothing of his and his parents belongings and nabbed the expensive goodies. I'd double-check the house before you let this one settle. Also, as far as telling the Mom, you may want to consider some CYA (cover your arse) in that the Mom could come back to you for withholding information regarding her minor-aged daughter being in the presence of illicit drugs and alcohol at your house. If she was dumb enough to leave your house a mess, this kid may be dumb enough to have info of that 'sweet party' at the house she was watching, get back to her Mom. I'm mainly speaking as a middle school educator on this one. You aren't directly responsible for the well being of this young girl, as you were hundreds of miles away and didn't contribute in any way, but if the Mom wanted to really push things, she could attempt to shirk her responsibilities to monitor her daughter's activities and blame you for not filling her in. I'm not sure what the consequences for not letting her know could be. Maybe nothing other than an angry parent. Or, she may just say thanks for your help in helping keep her kid from getting hurt.
We have done a cursory sweep of the house for valuables. All the big stuff is accounted for: TV's, Laptops, Instruments. I just need to make sure the smaller stuff is there. I remember being at a party in High School when a guys parents were gone and people were smoking in their living room and one kid kept putting his cigarettes on the carpet and putting them out with his shoe. Ruined the carpet. Don't know if I ever saw that kid who had the party again. No joke.CYA (cover your arse) in that the Mom could come back to you for withholding information regarding her minor-aged daughter being in the presence of illicit drugs and alcohol at your house.
-Great point. I did end up telling her mother and she was thankful, as I would be because she wants to know what her daughter is doing. She was very disappointed and said that she's never done anything like this at their house when they go out of town but that is likely do to the fact that their neighbors know them well and would tell on her. She strikes me as a good mother and the girl strikes me as a good kid that made a bad decision. I wouldn't have told her mom if I thought the response would have been overboard. I think she will get a just punishment for what she did and she's out some $ because they are insisting that we not pay her.
are those baked beans in the white bowl? welcome back thenewgreen
Thanks Khaaan, it's nice to be home. In the white bowl are crackers and in the other a goat cheese spread. Neither are particularly good but the sparkling wines were nice.
Great winery and our home coming didn't ruin our trip. We had a blast and stuff like this will happen from time to time. It's the first time I've felt like the "adult" in this type of situation. You'll see soon what I mean old man.
Should I still pay her for house/dog-sitting? I have no problem doing so but don't you think it's a sort of breach-of-contract? If you were payed to be the night janitor of a library and then threw a party in it, vomited on the walls etc, would you expect a paycheck?
Ha. bgood79's response when I told him the story was to text her, "when do you turn 18? We can settle up then". Pervs.
On reflection, I'd confront her, but not her Mom. I'd let her know that she betrayed your trust, and also that it was very uncool not to make sure that everything was as you left it. I'd tell her than you got a cleaning service, then ask her how much she thinks you should still pay her, and pay her that, if it is anything. At 17, IMO she doesn't really need her mother to understand what happened, or to make better decisions in the future.
Too late. I talked with her mother and my reasoning was thus: If my daughter was 17 and the same thing happened, I would want to know about it. If I had never talked with her mother before, then perhaps I wouldn't bring her in to it but I have. Her mother is an involved parent that wanted to know about how safe our house was and our neighborhood because she cares about her child's safety. I'm likely going to be similar with my daughter and I would want to know that she made such a horrible decision. It's not my place to withhold such information from her mother after taking the time prior to leaving to ensure that our home was a safe one etc. Obviously, it wasn't that safe Saturday night.
I suppose if you had talked to the mother regarding the matter you might feel obligated. However I'd probably tell my 17 yo daughter that she screwed up, I was disappointed, and it was her job to make it right. IMO the worst thing isn't the party, but that she didn't make sure that your house was in tip-top shape afterwards. It sounds like it went well.
The worst thing is the party. I have no idea how many strangers were in my house. For the next few months, whenever we can't find something of value we will have to wonder...? It's a major violation of trust. Picture coming home to vomit on your walls and a half filled drink sitting on the table in your daughters room. It would bother you. We keep noticing more areas of the house that are dirty or "sticky" from spilled drinks too. So you're right, it sucks that it's not in "tip-top shape", but the violation of trust is worse imo.
I'm not saying that part doesn't really suck, but a 17 yo did watch your house for several days... I was a good kid, but I am sure I would have had a soiree given that opportunity. But, I would have done everything in my power to make sure the house was left in pristine condition. I would have been very serious about that. Leaving filth shows that she didn't care enough about your property. It's a lack of respect.
We've done this several other times too with a different girl watching the house. Each time we've returned to clean linens on the bed, clean floors, happy dogs etc. 17 doesn't automatically mean "gonna throw a party". Some kids do have respect for property.
She had a boyfriend. I'm 99% sure there was a lot of "boyfriend" time. I'd agree with your percentage, but would say it goes down if you let them know specifically that "people are not allowed over". You can have 1 person. I didn't do this with her, I should have. I should have let her know that the neighbors only expect to see one or two people here and only 1 car, otherwise they know to call me. I've learned a lesson. You can be the cool guy that doesn't care if they party, so long as it's clean. I'm not so forgiving.