there are shades of polyamory that range from "bob and jan at the swinger's club" to "emily, emily, daisy, and emily in the 1-bedroom portland apartment" and they all come with different commitments and different sets of baggage. you both have things you want and things you don't want: just talk to each other. the only discovery that polyamorists have made is that relationships are contracts and if you want to get what you want, you need to put that shit in writing who are you coming home with at the end of the day? does anybody get placed higher in each others' hierarchies? are you a couple +X associates, or a eunuch's court of supposed equals? do you feel comfortable with dating somebody who's having sex with other people? do you feel comfortable dating someone who's potentially developing some emotional connections with other people? are you okay without the guarantee of "you're my number one and my only one, I'm not gonna even try to get into any potentially compromising situations because that's how important you are"? because that's what the difference between bob and jan and the rest are, you know what i mean? being poly is different than just sleeping around there's only so much love in you to go around, and so much time in the day to go around. the more you divvy it up the more (at a minimum) complicated it gets. you can't just be open to it, you have to want it. you have to want an open relationship actively and enthusiastically more than any other option for it to work, because otherwise it's something you're going "wellll, maybe until... for now i can... if it's what they want then..." in your head the whole time
It's simpler than that. there are the lies we tell ourselves, and there are the lies we tell other people. A relationship with two people in it has self-lies^2 and other-lies^2. That's complicated enough. A relationship with three people in it has self-lies^3 and other-lies^3. A relationship with n people in it has self-lies^n and other-lies^n. From a systems perspective, the higher order the equations the less stable the equilibrium. A high-order unstable equation will fall out of equilibrium faster than a low-order unstable equation. Consequently, over time there are fewer high-order equations because the higher order, the steeper the asymptote. The way these systems work is if the lies are all aligned. If my self-lies are the same as your other-lies, we have a coefficient. If your self-lies are the same as my other-lies, we have another coefficient. Ax plus By = R. But the more people involved, the more cult-like it has to become or else you end up with ABx^3 minus 3ABx^2 plus 6ABX minus 9BCy^3.... = R. It has been my experience that those in polyamorous relationships pride themselves on their individuality, on their non-conformity, and on their self-narrative. In other words, the people you run into with this shit are the ones with the most flamboyant self-lies. It has also been my experience that those in polyamorous relationships pride themselves on their openness, on their eclecticism, and on their extroversion. In other words, the people you run into with this shit are the ones with the most flamboyant other-lies. Sure. Put that shit in writing. It'll absolutely enforce itself and solve all problems. And yeah. Call "fucking around" a social movement, a polycule, whatever the fuck you want. Semantics is truth. For sure, nobody has ever done this shit before, this time is different, The Olds just don't know how to set proper boundaries. Look. The biological evidence of human relationships is evidence of infidelity. The human penis is shaped to extract the semen of rivals from the vaginal cavity. Human males are attracted to the signifiers of youth, human females are attracted to the signifiers of power. The post-coital physiological response of males is to fall asleep; the post-coital physiological response of females is to be awake. The archetype of human relationships is a pride of lions with one titular male head with a lot of wives surrounded by young rival males who fuck behind his back. There are several species of primates whose principal method of procreation is rape. There have been social structures that are much closer to this style of polyamory. The Ottomans spring immediately to mind, as do the Mormons. But there's a big prohibition in there - only one person is allowed to fuck around. The social glue necessary to make this shit work is basically taboo to discuss, which means everyone comes into it with their own preconceptions. everyone can work together to make their glue stick? But that just means that when it comes apart it will release more energy - you do not want to see what a 20-year polyamorous relationship looks like when it ends. So I recognize it makes me an oppressor thoughtcrime boomer privileged incel or some shit to say this but I don't fucking care. I've never seen anyone helped by a polyamorous relationship. Not short term, not long term. I've seen dozens hurt. Because we all tell each other different lies, and the more of us there are, the faster they catch up.
that's a lot of words to basically say that it's hard to have more than one deeply personal relationship which is prima facie true. it is indeed simpler than that. i respect your authoriteh as a wise elder. don't jerk off at me about it because I'm not the one who needs to hear it with that aside my anecdata from my more limited set of experience is that polyamory is a fancy word for roommates that sleep in a big bed and that it's a thing that fags do to afford to live in the big city. i'm neutral at best on it and it seems like it just amplifies the shitty behavior of a shitty relationship x (number of people) x (time). i have never met anybody in a legit poly relationship who isn't either 1. dirt poor 2. trans 3. being actively groomed or all 3. people who dip their toes into it get burned. you need to hard commit and trust the fuck out of everybody involved for it to even have a chance and personally i haven't seen it having sex with other people while being in a relationship is rolling the dice on whether somebody's gonna catch feelings and as time increases the probability of that approaches 100% unless you're bob and jan at the swingers party tag yourself and post in the comments what your postcoital physiological response is: mine is typically being asked to leave the restaurant
I've listened and while I don't have anything to add around the discussion, I can't quite parse your accent. Is it Canadian? I thought I heard an "aboot". I'm really, really bad at North American accents though, we don't get many of them in my neck of the woods. I could tell Boston. Maybe. If it was someone asking if I wanted a coffee.
Polyamory is a fancy word for "this isn't gonna work how you expect" and it's also the reason I have a former employee with a restraining order against a former client. Having watched from the sidelines all these years, I can also say with no hesitation that 'boomers were better at it than GenX was better at it than millennials was better at it than GenZ at the same age. I suspect this is because the further back in time you go, the more transgressive your actions, and the higher the bar of entry for normative relationships. GenZ is far more likely to say "I'm poly" when what they mean is "I'm promiscuous" which is not the same thing. Accepting and broadcasting that you're a hoondawg sets expectations of monogamy and emotional stability appropriately low. Launching into a disquisition about the gender phenotypes of multilateral relationship power dynamics mostly serves to let your partner know it's their fault you sleep around. I've met plenty... but my experience with GenZ poly relationships is that GenZ is a lot more likely to justify an unhealthy relationship as unconventional, whereas prior generations are much more likely to let an unconventional relationship get unhealthy. It's a chicken/egg problem but older generations were more likely to argue the sanctity of their structures while younger generations are more likely to argue they have the maturity to forego them. It all goes to shit eventually anyway, it just goes to shit in a different order. i have never met anybody in a legit poly relationship who isn't either 1. dirt poor 2. trans 3. being actively groomed or all 3.