Been dating around a little for the first time in my life, and holy hell are dating apps terrible. Maybe I'm bad at picking people, but I've been on 3 dates so far and they all were a waste of time. I think I'm gonna give up on that for the time being.

My other arrangements are decidedly strange, but being out of a 10 year relationship it fits the bill for me because I don't want to get into anything serious for at a minimum one year. Probably more. So i'm seeing people in poly/open relationships that I know - where we have great chemistry and have fun and deep times together, while knowing it's not going to amount to anything serious long term. I joke around telling one of my lovers that he might be poly but i'm just single. In part because I also don't want to get into the partner pandering and reassuring the whole "kitchen table (?)" model entails. I got no energy to manage other people's relations. I've seen these types of relationships all around me for many years now, and while I see plenty of people doing it well and enjoying it, I'm just not built for that and would much prefer a monogamous arrangement in the long run. So somehow seeing "taken" people seems safer because there are less chances of them catching feelings and fucking shit up.

In a way, slowly opening up our relationship 6 years in with my ex was a positive experience when we did. We had a fun time at the start. But with time I think it also blinded me to the moment it started going downhill and passed a point of no-return. We probably never would have stayed together anyway, but our downfall would have happened quicker otherwise. I'm still undecided if it was a good thing because it allowed us to explore a different model, from a comfortable trusting place. Or if it was a waste of time that allowed us to drag on something that was already dead. I guess hindsight is 20/20 but I'm not far enough away to see clearly just yet.