My close friend died last week, by suicide. She was an epic motherfucker, parachute jumper fire artist BRC ranger entrepreneur photographer DJ traveler. She was gonna turn 31 this spring. Had dreams of buying a house and starting a family. Loved by so many, our community is devastated. There's a celebration of life next week and I will not be surprised if hundreds of people show up. Her work was intense, she was touring the world with a big artist for many years as part of the AV team making a really good salary. She was not political, we never even talked about it but she was trans and I can't imagine the current state of the world did not play a part in the dark moment that pushed her to make the decision that ended her life. I imagine we'll never know why. She had plans for the weekend, vacation in the south booked for this week and no note or prep that we know of. I will miss my friend more than I can express.

Been spending lots of time setting up the new place, it's been rewarding! I've been struggling a little lately. Objectively my life is going good but I'm a littl too stressed at work and low energy to do the things I want after. I still do them, but everything feels like a chore, even basic things. And by the time I'm done with life maintenance stuff I don't always have the energy for the things I'm looking forward to.

It feels like I'm spending all my time in a car, trying to get somewhere instead of in the world. But the road is rough, it's taking too long and I'm missing out on enjoying the journey. I don't know if it means that I need to slow down and enjoy things, take a different road or power through to get to the smoother road faster.

Not quite sure if this metaphor works, but I just spent one week in Costa Rica with some buddies and that was my literal experience. Our communal mansion was far from everything and I wanted to fit in many activities. In the end I spent a lot of my vacation behind the wheel when I could have chilled by the pool. But had I spent the time by the pool, I might have been unhappy with not doing much. Maybe the overall feeling of dissatisfaction is the problem. Or maybe I just needed a longer vacation.

I got myself a wax kit and brought back my old cross country skis from the cabin. There's been record level snow here and I now live a 5 min walk from the mount royal mountain that has groomed trails! Hoping the exercise will help, looking forward to my first outing today!

Hello again!

About a week after you last post, we separated with my boyfriend of 10 years. It's been 2.5 years and I still grieve certain parts of that relationship. His sister and mom were really great, and I still miss them. But I am happy to have moved on from the parts that didn't work. Since then, my love life has been on a bit of a hiatus for serious stuff. I decided to focus on other things, and I have some really close relationships that have no future but feel good. I've been wondering if they have rendered me emotionally unavailable and resolved to slowly start dating this year to try meeting someone with life-building potential.

A month after that post I also terminated my contract at the makerspace I was working at. I was on unemployment for about a year and really took that time to ask myself questions and went on an epic 3 month trip with buddies. Got my PADI certificate, biked around Taiwan and decided on the top of a Nepalese mountain I wanted to try becoming a Product Manager at a tech company. Found a job at a startup where I've been for almost a year and a half. I'm learning a lot, I'm getting paid twice what I was at the non profit and feel generally happier. In hindsight, my previous work environment seems a lot more toxic than I realized.

I realized how much I like learning, and that I learn by doing. That I enjoy having superficial knowledge on many things. Built some propane flame effects, did my gun licence class, my fireworks certificate, learned to lockpick, solder electronics, did a product management training, a couple liquor distillations and some home and appliance repairs that taught me to use a few new tools. I have the financial freedom to invest in myself and my hobbies and learning, so I'm going for it :) Next I would like to sign up to learn this software called touch designer and maybe some basic python as it could unlock more art project potential.

In the last bit of news, I purchased my first condo about 2 months ago. Perks of having a "real" job banks will loan to. It's finally feeling like home, but will remain a work in progress for a while. I'm inclined to take it slow, and do things as I like them. It's in my favorite neighbourhood of the city, on the same street my parents moved to as their first home in Montreal. A 100 year old apartment with high ceilings and beautiful mouldings. Some things are a little worn and crooked but I enjoy a home with character.

Yearning to get better at my work, meet someone cool, learn some new skills and spend more time adventuring outdoors. I'm on the right track, trying to remind myself of that. To enjoy this moment when it feels like things are not moving fast enough.

got the flu, got the blues

big hugs to my american friends, if the past is any indication we're probably not too far behind you here is canada. Justin's fallen out of favour and grasping at the straws of power hard.

Bought an apartment, I am moving in a month! Living the startup life, hopefully to break into Product Management soon as the first real career I'm actually interested in pursuing. Had a commitment to the promotion in a month as well - it's gonna be a wild December! My whole life fell appart 2 years ago - I spent one year soul searching and recovering and another one working hard towards my goals. Would really like to find love and be more active, but with the 2 above items I've been to overwhelmed to give it the energy it deserves. It's the next thing :) Feeling optimistic, things have been going well even if it's been stressful and hectic.

Did my class for a pyrotechnics license today. Keeping an eye out for the display fireworks one next. Applied for my PAL (guns) 2 months ago. Feels like i'm on a little license collecting streak. Maybe it's to compensate for my jobby-job. It's a startup, which doesn't feel too bad but in my entrepreneurial brain somehow it feels like a failure to actually enjoy a 9to5 like I am. Working through that cognitive dissonance while I learn as much as I can to become a Product Manager and earn the big tech buck, at least for a little while. The jump from the non-profit more than doubled my salary, and I'm on the lowest end of the payscale. It hilights how what we value in this world is so misaligned with financial incentives sometimes. This new job feels easier and less useful to the world. But better for me and my mental health. I gave myself the goal to stick it out for 2 years and see where that gets me, what paths it opens up. Feeling optimistic but also overwhelmed.

Been working my new tech job for 4 months now , and working on myself. Overall things are good. Something about right now feels like a new chapter. Onwards!

I had wet spot access for my post-event ranger shifts, but never actually went out of laziness. Got a shower during Gerlach patrol Monday and that felt great! What do you do to get wet spot access out there?

Still there, finally leaving tomorrow morning. Stayed post event for some rangering, it’s been a blast. My best year yet.

Let’s do this!

How did it go?

Sick! I’ve also just signed a contract for my new job at 2.5x my old salary. I like this theme. Never had this much money before, I’m tempted to sign up to all kinds of evening classes I could not afford before but can’t decide on what to pick. I want to do everything from juijitsu to coding to learning Spanish to ceramics to singing classes… an exiting problem to have!

The makerspace i was at definitely was a toxic place. My first replacement lasted 1 month, the second just quit after 8 months. There’s one employee left doing my past role and they are hiring 2 more people. Granted, the project is growing and they might just need more HR but I also remember how demanding the role was, without any sort of support. I had expressed how I felt unsupported, but they could not manage to find time to give me ONE 2h meeting a month, while I was essentially running the place. I’d go months without any sort of feedback and have to run after people to answer yes/no emails that would block my progress. I didn’t work a lot at all, only about 30h weeks. But I also essentially was always on call since the place was open 24/7 and there were classes every day. So essentially if there were any problems, I was the first person of contact. My boss would blame me when I’d push back against it, but at 25$/h… fuck that. It was so mentally draining I didn’t have time for anything else anyway.

I’m glad I got out of there. Fingers crossed I find a new job soon and it’s good for me. I have an interview in 2h, hopefully it’s the one!

Still no job, but I'm getting more promising interviews. It feels like people are finally coming back from vacation and being more responsive in the hiring process. I'll send out another batch of applications next week and then take a break. There are 2 jobs I interviewed for I feel I did well - but I am waiting for a reply. Got rejected for a role I found really interesting - but they decided not to fill the role at all and hire freelancers instead. So in a way it feels okay because it's more about the company not having the budget, not my abilities. I'm hopeful for fall being a good hiring season, I have gotten some good interview practice and have understood my options a lot better. Somehow, even after almost 3 months of trying I'm still feeling optimistic and confident. And when summer is over, ramping up my search efforts will yield more results.

Decided to go to Burning man after all - i'm a bit better off financially than i was expecting and I feel it will be a fun year for me. I have the whole event week free of responsibilities as i'm not going with a camp or signing up for any volunteering. Friends have offered to make things easy for me such as delivering me a box of things and my bike directly there - so I only have my personal things to manage! And then I'm staying 5 extra days to help the Rangers - which will be a super fun experience AND guarantee me a free ticket for next year again. I'm hoping to have a blast this year, and then potentially stop going every year unless there's a completely different way for me to re-live it. After going 5 times, I need a complete change in the way I participate every time to keep the experience rewarding.