Yesterday, in Vancouver, I gave a workshop to scientists who create assistive technology. They work with vulnerable people. My job was to help them listen with empathy. I thought that I would post a blog about something I actually know. Listening, speaking, handling verbal attacks, dealing with conflict - I have only occasionally posted on these things, but it seemed worthwhile. Some time ago I wrote about problems with apologies and immediately heard from people who found it helpful.
So my question to Hubski: What helps you feel better when you tell someone your difficulties?
I as a person am really solution oriented, so I usually start with giving possible solutions to their problem (that is, if the problem posed is solvable. It is a good thing to keep in mind that not every problem is solvable) and thinking with them. This doesn't always work tough. I remember one time when I was playing an MMO and one of my friends there had a semi-relationship with a woman in the same tribe. The guy had (and still has) a really hard life. He is diabetic, his parents are poor, emotional abuse by the people he loves over the internet and so on. I have had quite a lot of chat sessions with him both about the game and about real life. I usually ended up listening and trying to come up with solutions for his problems. So, now about where I was going with this. It turns out that this guy, lets call him M, has a internet relationship with this woman, with whom I was also befriended. Lets call her V. M and V have a relationship. V also has a abusive ex-husband/boyfriend R, who also plays the game and for some reason she wants things to work between them. Before R finds out about M and V, M falls into a depression to the point that the only thing he lives for is that game and V. Without those he might do the unthinkable. At that point we gave M our phone numbers so he could call us if he needed someone to listen to him. At that point V immediately calls M so she could hear his voice and to comfort him. A few days later I hear that R found out about V and M. He forces her to block M in her chat list and forbids her to ever contact M again. Of course, this is impossible, but he keeps tabs on her. This took a while to sink in and in the end V contacted M via me and decides to break up with M because she desperately wants it to work out with R. M is crushed and wants to talk to me, so he starts chatting abut everything. His life and how he started contemplating suicide. I think it is because I always listened to him that he dared to tell me this. I might have saved his life because I always listened, even tough it was over chat. I kept chatting with him even after I stopped with the game. He even sent me his poetry. I don't really know why I typed all that, but it seems to fit. In that story I usually used the things that lil described in her post after it became apparent that my usual approach didn't work (I was rather naive back then). Key is indeed to really listen. Most people don't need advice, they need somebody who listens.
We can't always listen. We also have to protect ourselves and our time. But sometimes, if we can and do listen, we can really help someone if they are reaching out for connection. What's amazing from your story s_s is that your "listening" happened via internet chat.
The point with internet chat is that it is really easy to "listen". I mean, you have history and replying immediately is not necessary. You still have to read everything, but you don't have to be as quick on your feet as in a face to face conversation. Also, it is impossible to not hear something since it is all text. The thing that makes it hard is that you cannot see the other person's body language. On the flip side, in a chat it is way harder to blurt out something stupid since you think up your reply, type it and then send it. There is plenty of time to reconsider. And indeed, we can't always listen. That is impossible, but it is something that many people forget way to often.
I find it helpful when people actually listen. Too often you can tell that someone is simply trying to think of the next thing to say, instead of actively listening. I was recently in a business meeting with a prospective client. About halfway through the meeting, she started crying. She confessed that her mother who had started the business was dying. All I could do was give a sympathetic smile and say, "I'm so sorry to hear thiat" and allow for enough time to lapse for her to compose herself. I asked if she felt comfortable carrying on and she said "yes". The tone of the meeting changed after that, and actually became much more productive. Through the brief moment we shared, her crying and me silent, not judging, just allowing her to work through it forged an atmosphere of trust. We entered two strangers attempting to do business with one another and left two human beings. The advice you give in the post revolves largely around "paraphrasing", which along with "mirroring" and some other communication tools, can be very effective at puting someone at ease. Good advice.
I certainly think that it is useful to have strategies in mind, but for me it's all about having a genuine and insightful conversation. There's nothing quite as inspiring and uplifting as sensing that the other person is actually listening to you, that s/he processed what you had to say, and the reply is actually relevant to your problem and that it resonates with you. I shut off if I sense that the person I'm sharing my problems with is simply spouting of platitudes or playing semantic defense. A conversation can be immensely therapeutical as long as all parts involved are present and are able to establish an authentic connection.
I totally agree. As in thenewgreen's story above, the troubled person can tell if you are with them emotionally and then they are able to relax.There's nothing quite as inspiring and uplifting as sensing that the other person is actually listening to you, that s/he processed what you had to say, and the reply is actually relevant to your problem and that it resonates with you.
Thank you for posting. I'm a terrible listener, so that was really helpful.
I think this is really good advice. I'm very logical guy and so when people would come to me with a problem I would try to solve it. One of two things would always happen though, either the person would stop coming to me with their problems or I would become exasperated with them and stop wanting to listen to their problems. Eventually I realized that no matter how good of a solution you have to someone's problem it's still totally unhelpful if they're not in a place where they can hear that.
Eventually I realized that no matter how good of a solution you have to someone's problem it's still totally unhelpful if they're not in a place where they can hear that.
Exactly. But they usually will want to hear your suggestion when they feel you really understand their problem. There's a good chance that your original solution will change when you understand their problem more deeply. Things are more complicated than they first seem and there's always a back story. Thanks for your comment.