I guess since this is the place for thoughtful discussion it would be unfair to ask this without sharing a small story.
I'm getting to know someone who recently accused me of having all my defenses up. The person is right, my defenses are completely up. I like this person, but I'm afraid of getting hurt, I guess. I've met a lot of people who seemed nice at first, and then ultimately it turned out they were douchebags and assholes. There were small signs at first, but it took a while before the full-fledged shittiness came to light. (I think that's how it works with most people/relationships.) I'm really tired of caring about people only to get negative returns on my investment. So, at what point do you decide to trust someone?
What indicators do you use to help you determine that?
How do you know when someone is genuinely a good person?
Edit: Also I love Hubski and I love that I have you guys here to ask for advice from time-to-time, or at least, advice that masquerades as thought-provoking questions. Thank you all for your input. I'd love to keep hearing it if you have it.
Apropos of not much, this always makes me chuckle : How to pronounce synecdoche
Ha you hated it? I haven't seen it, but the two friends I have who've seen it swear up and down that it's the best piece of film they've seen. Why do you hate it? I get/hear that it's a slow, art house type of movie. Was it just too slow?
Well, what do you mean "genuinely a good person?" In our lives we wear a lot of different hats, meaning, we are a lot of different things to different people. Like, to your boss you might be the star employee, but you are not a writer, in the same way that to your mother, you are her child and not a co-worker. My point is, it's hard to say who a person will turn out to be to you. I have plenty of people who say they're my friends and have offered support in hard times, but when times get really tough, there's only a few that stick around. Curious. That doesn't mean that the others are bad people, it just means that I have to be aware that when the shit hits the fan, I'd better not even bother with those people. In terms of relationships, that's tough to negotiate. I have no idea on how to make sure someone is really great, other than to take the time to get to know them and to let them get to know me. It's a gamble, but as far as I can see, it's the only game in town.
Lately, I have been thinking about how no two people will ever know the same me, no matter how long they've known me for; inevitably, we present different facets of each other to different people. Even my mom and dad don't know the same version of me. (Though their version of me is probably pretty similar.) I think it's also interesting to consider how we control what people know about us and how what we're willing to share with others affects what they think of us. It's all pretty interesting.
Trust is not earned. Trust is granted. Much like investment, never trust people you cannot afford to trust. Relationships are all about getting hurt. That's the point. If you do not allow yourself pain then your perception of pleasure will be skewed. So what if they turn out to be "douchebags and assholes." I've got great stories associated with hanging out with "douchebags and assholes." Ask for a "Fuckin' Rob" story some time.
I've got a few on Reddit I can't find immediately. Here's a taste.
This. Douchebags and assholes and ignornant fucktards and all those people that you don't really want to be around are probably some of the most entertaining and the most enlightening individuals. I have more than my fair share of stories about these people. As long as you don't let their douchebaggery affect you (rubbing off on you, making you miserable, etc) they can teach you a lot about yourself and the world and also provide for some crazy awesome nights. In NYC I worked as an assistant editor for some piece of shit mocumentary with the biggest asshole in the world. He had nothing to say that was positive or nice to say about anything. He was generally condescending to females, as well as short guys, minorities, rich folk, and professors. It was miserable to be in the steamy suite with him even though the editing process was relatively smooth. There were no workflow issues or "oops we forgot to shoot half of a scene what do we do." Still it was miserable. But I learned more about editing from him than anyone else, got a great drug dealer from the experience, and also learned how to deal with and stay positive on set and in the suite, even when you are confronted with miserable situations. Later that year I was on my student set - a little stick out bridge thing in east Manhattan - in January. It was raining, sleeting, gusty, we had a 4 person crew carrying around our 50lb camera equip and wardrobe changes. It was a near-death experience. But all I could think about is how horrible I felt when I was stuck in that editors suite with mr. miserable douchebag. So I picked my head up and stayed so motherfucking positive it became silly. The rest of the crew followed. The final product turned out great and the crew all became way closer after the managing to survive the harrowing endeavor. Honestly, if I hadn't been stuck with mr. miserable I probably would've been griping my way through the 12 hour day, which would have made it so much worse. If anyone's interested, here's the final product. It's a happy little tale, shot over two days in 18 different locations. https://vimeo.com/10734505So what if they turn out to be "douchebags and assholes." I've got great stories associated with hanging out with "douchebags and assholes."
Fuckin' assholes teach you a lot. And honestly, if I'm becoming too affected by an asshole, I just try and remind myself that they will either learn that they're being shitty, or they will die lonely. So either their behavior will change eventually, or they will receive their just desserts. And then I don't really mind being affected, because it's generally temporary. But great story
The first type of "good" is much easier to spot. Those small clues at the beginning will become large glaring sirens later on. Raised his/her voice to their mother in anger over something small? -going to be a d-bag. When you want to be active they always opt to do something more "chill". -You will end up thinking they're lazy. Listen intently to those little signs. But the reason I ask if you are a good person is because we all think we are good people. Even the great villains of history all thought they were good. If all you get out of relationships are "assholes," then maybe pause and take a look at yourself. What is it about you that is attracting these people? What situations are you in that these types of people abound? But how do you know when to trust someone? That's a case by case basis and there isn't a good broad answer. You just know.How do you know when someone is genuinely a good person?
Are you? How do you define "good?" There are people that will intentionally hurt you and then there are people that are feckless and through passivity or a lack of social know-how hurt others. So "good" can mean not intentionally bad or "good" can mean "good for you."
As both kleinbl00 and insomniasexx mentioned, "assholes" are fun. I think they lack certain inhibitions that are vicariously entertaining to a point. They can make fun friends but shitty partners. It's funny though, nobody thinks that they are assholes.
I would beg to differ. I'm kind of tertiary friends with a large crowd of assholes that know they are assholes and in fact in a way seem to capitalize on it. I would argue this makes them perhaps bigger assholes than the norm because they are purposefully indulging in the natural tendencies they have. They are like "We are assholes! So let us be the ultimate asshole!" It can be fun to be an asshole, too, in certain ways. It's fun to say "I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, I'm just going to be offensive." But I don't like to take it to the step where anyone actually gets hurt.
I guess my point is that nobody ever thinks they are the villain. In life, we are all the heroes in the play and tend to rationalize our less than stellar behaviors. Therefore, if you know you are an asshole, it's likely that you don't realize the full impact of your assholishness. If you are hanging out with people that are assholes and know that by being assholes are hurting others, that's not being an asshole, that's being evil.
I like people who don't give a shit or at least appear not to. I think the thing is that I appreciate people who don't care too much about what other people think; people who have irreverent senses of humor who are willing to push the envelope and don't mind breaking the rules. (Fence climbing, sign toppling, etc). So as result I find myself drawn to funny assholes as they exhibit these qualities.
Trust someone enough to believe them when they say their cell phone battery was dead when they promised they would phone you the other night. Trust someone enough to risk telling them you have an internet crush on kleinbl00 but would run the other way if he came crashing through your window? Let's call the romantic interest person X. Person X wanted to get "closer" and couldn't get past your defenses. You felt "accused" (your word) by X's comment. RED FLAGS are going up for me right now over that encounter. I think your defenses are up for a reason. X had other choices. X could say, "Hey Refugee, I'd like to get closer to you, but I can see that you are being cautious. So let's take our time. I hope soon you'll see enough of me to trust me." X made it personal and rather than look at why he couldn't gain your trust, he blamed you for having ALL your defenses up. That's what I get from the little you've told us. Here's another thought: You've been hurt and now you are learning to protect your heart - and maybe to value yourself more. That sounds like a good idea to me. With more practice you'll learn that you are strong enough to get by on your own for a while. I think we get a lot of information about people early on -- we see what kind of people they are -- but we IGNORE the bad stuff because our loneliness and our alcohol consumption blot it out. Anyway, only you will know when you feel right about trusting someone. Saying "yes" to an infatuation makes you vulnerable. You don't know what will happen when you say yes. On the other hand, "no" locks you into yourself. This is a really interesting and unanswerable question. I might take it over to my blog at some point.getting to know someone
This statement suggests a potential romantic partner. Correct me if I'm wrong. at what point do you decide to trust someone?
Trust someone how? Trust someone enough to let him take naked pictures of you and not post them on the internet?
Have you farted in front of this person? If you've mistakenly done something embarrassing in front of this person and they were cool with it, you're probably on the right track. Especially if they laughed it off and told you that it was no big deal. I'd start there.
Great point. People who can't empathize with making mistakes display an immaturity that will probably extend into other parts of their lives. If you can't be cool with someone making a mistake or doing something embarrassing... I don't know. It betrays how non-humble they are. I'm a big proponent of humility in people. Like Delphi saw in Socrates, the mos wise are those who know they know nothing.
Like what thenewgreen says, I think most of the 'evil' in this world isn't true, malicious evil; rather, it's from people being a little bit selfish or careless, failing to see beyond themselves, or being momentarily weak. So yeah, everyone is disappointing once you get to know them, but that's because, hey, pobody's nerfect; everyone fucks up, so if you know someone long and well enough, at some point they're bound to break your trust to some extent. It's the ones who are consistently unreliable that you want to weed out. They say trust is a loser's game; really, the people who think that have already lost. That trust is a loser's game is entirely the point: allowing someone to be in a position where they can hurt you is the necessary condition for any kind of closeness.