Here's mine:
A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?"
I am banned from telling this joke because I tell it all the time. A polar bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a rum and................................… Coke.” “Why the huge pause?” asks the bartender. “I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
This is awesome. It's like the panda joke (eats shoots and leaves) or the horse joke (long face), but I got to hear it for the first time! That's what I love about a great joke: it's a new, unexpected (pleasant) experience. Such things are rare and beautiful once we're out of childhood and most everything is familiar.
Reminds me of this old one :
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has its claws at the end of its paws, but the comma has its pause at the end of a clause.
So far, this is the only joke in this thread that made me laugh. I'm adding it to my repertoire. Thanks!
Heisenberg is driving down the highway at a high rate of speed. He gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the window and asks "Do you how fast you were going?" Heisenburg responds, "No, but I know where I am."
"You were doing exactly 78 mph"
"Thanks a lot, jerk! Now I'm lost!"
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the Fresh Prince! It's terrible, but I love it.
Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is thef-- WRONG! Because the industrial agricultural production of traditional tea takes place within the global imperialist/capitalist system under conditions of heavy exploitation, and it's possible to avoid contributing to the appropriation of communal lands from indigenous peoples and the unethical oppression of thousands of workers, and transition to a more independent and sustainable lifestyle by locally foraging or growing your own aromatic herbs and spices.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "You know we got a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says "You got a drink named Steve!?"
One of my personal favorites. I always read/say the "Steve" part in the voice of the Hammy from Over the Hedge.....
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Your kids won't eat broccoli.
A mushroom walks into a bar. He saddles up to the bar, and calls out to the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry bub, we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says "Why not?! I'm a Fun guy!"
This is my go-to goofy joke to break the ice when people get too serious.
I was at a bookstore with a boy the other day. The escalators upstairs were working. Finished our business on that level, we approached the down escalator - which was not moving. I grabbed his arm in horror and cried, "Oh no! Not the stairs, [friend]! I came here to take the escalator!"