Do you think self-worth and being single is a gender-related issue: men can have self-worth just by being men but women are conditioned to base self-worth on their relationships.

Sure it's gender related, but men are absolutely conditioned to value being in a relationship. It's different, of course, but try being a lifelong bachelor and not having people treat you skeptically.

Where does your sense of self-worth come from?

Most generally, mine comes from doing. Not randomly doing something but having a goal (even a goal not consciously formed) and trying to do it.

In my late 20s and early 30s, I went to a lot of live music. A lot as in "have seen the same band a hundred and twenty times in 20+ states and five countries." It became a goal of trying to do the next crazy thing and finding I was able to do it. It did devolve into a dick measuring contest at times, and that wasn't good, but the challenge and success made me feel good.

That evolved to hiking and running. I'm doing a peakbagging list (hike all the mountain peaks in an area), and that's oddly similar to "if I see this concert in Ypsilanti I'll have seen them play in cities starting with 23 different letters." But it's less of a dick measuring contest because thousands of people have hiked these summits. Ditto for running. Running a half marathon or, this fall, my first full marathon is about trying to do something and succeeding at my goal.

Goals in life are as diverse as the number of people. People expecting me to get married in my 20s and buy a house and have kids in my 30s is as ridiculous as me expecting them to run down the sleepy rural roads of the Ice Age Trail on the weekends. I'm less bothered by (but not oblivious to) their expectations by remembering we all live different lives.

Having similar goals or courses in life is no more a feature in others than a flaw in me. And, on the individual level, the similarities start to vanish.

So, my individual self worth comes from living my own life and taking satisfaction in the hobbies I enjoy.

Three thoughts.

There's a part of me that always gets excited to say the words "My wife" because the hidden meaning in that is that someone values me enough to put up with my shit for the rest of my life. That's a lot of value.

My sense of self worth is partially external and partially internal. Externally, I believe the world is an amazingly beautiful place with so many exciting and wonderful things going on, even though sometimes we have a hard time seeing them. Internally, I am driven to do what I can, when I can, to reflect and perpetuate the sense of wonder I feel back into the world, so others can feel it too. Sometimes I forget to do that, because I'm often crabby, but when I do, I feel better about both myself and the world.

A good work ethic is an important part of self worth. A job or a career as a social status is a crumby measurement of worth. There is a difference.

Wow... sometimes these questions come up that just boggle my mind.

This is one of those.

The entire conversation starts too far down the track. We gotta pull the train all the way back into the station, and start from some base principles.

Number one: There is nothing someone else has that is going to "complete" you. If you are not complete and whole, you can never be a true partner to someone else. You cannot look to someone else to fill that hole inside of you, because then all you are is a suck. You aren't a partner, you are a leech.

Number two: If you are not whole and comfortable with yourself, why are you even looking for a partner? How can you be fully present for them, and participatory in the relationship, if you are mentally spinning on your own shit? Who is the other person supposed to be connecting to? The 30% of you that is available to them? You are a human moving target, who isn't present and fully engaged in a mutual experience. You only have your toe in their pool, and you expect full commitment from them? That's just being an asshole.

Everything anyone needs (short of an actually clinically-assessed chemical or mental imbalance) is inside of them already. Looking outside for solutions is just screwing someone else up.

Because who are they? What are they looking for? Do they want a relationship with only 30% of you?

I bet not. So if you engage in a relationship with them, you are lying to them. You are basing your relationship on a false premise - namely, that you are ready and prepared to be an equal partner in the relationship - and building upon a foundation of quicksand.

I think people need to expand outside of their own needs, when considering a relationship partner. Your partner does not complete you. 1 plus .75 does not equal 2.

That's why great relationships are 1 plus 1 = 10. Both people are bringing their full selves and A-game to the relationship, fully participating with their partner in a mutual partnership, and building something that is literally impossible for either of them to build alone.

THAT is a relationship.

Anything else is just using another human as your own personal crutch until they break. And that's just a shitty thing to do to another person.

A lot of my self worth is tied into other people because I like to be needed. I've been struggling with that lately and realized down the road I was going to end up as one of those moms who turns down help from everybody then complains that nobody helps/appreciates her. Not to mention a lot of my helping tends to be little things in the background that I don't ask for thanks over but still expect people to appreciate that I'm helping. If somebody lost something I'll help them find it, I'll research things people need help with and it goes on really. I wanted to cheer up the players who struck out while playing softball the other night on the team I was playing against. I'm not even good at the sport and I still want to help others at the very least get to my level which is sometimes hitting the ball. Go me for not getting knocked up in high school. I don't even date those guys who can't do their own laundry. I bet I could have a long frustrating relationship with one of them.

So I'm thinking I should pick a career where I'm helping people, but I've also got to figure out how to appreciate myself for helping myself.

Where does your sense of self-worth come from?

I look at self-worth the same way I look at motivation vs. inspiration. It has to come from within to be sustainable. Somebody can inspire (external) you to do something, but if you don't have the motivation (internal) to follow through or maintain, then it's kind of like eating a candy bar. It's good in that exact moment, but long term it doesn't provide sustenance. Self-worth is a similar topic, you can derive self-worth from your relationships with others, but if you aren't determining what your mission is, what you want to get out of the things you do, or even making an effort to try and find out what it is that you like to do, your self-worth will be fleeting. Self-worth drives actions that are lasting and tangible. But a lot of work and exploration is necessary before reaching that point.

probably the same way you can as a not-single person

although biologically we do ascribe self-worth to having children

so you'd have to steal one