We eloped. We didn't tell anybody, we just did it. I had a couple good friends witness our vows, and it was a beautiful thing. We did it at a quiet bar facing away from everything. It was raining when we went in, and when we came out it actually was perfectly sunny and not cliche at all.
Here's what I just posted to facebook after the birthday like roll-out of congrats:
Thank you everyone for the goodwill! We are an official Power Couple now.
"What does this mean?" you may be asking yourselves by silently wondering through facebook at me, "What does this mean to you, Mac?"
To which I reply, "Thanks for asking and it's perfectly normal, but please know it's not just my opinion that matters. My wife is not on Facebook so with this response I must represent both our feelings. Imperfectly, of course, because she is, as am I, an individual still and we have not connected our brains."
I beckon you. "Come, let us walk down this winding deciduous forest path for a moment." The mid-morning light plays on our faces like spirits of love.
I say, "It's peaceful here, isn't it? Oh look, a caribou!" She stands sun struck in mammalian majesty higher up beyond the bush, her calf peaking out from behind, and it makes us laugh.
But before long, I see you again working in thought.
To which I say, "Hmm... to be an official Power Couple... let's see. Well I suppose we're discovering what that means ourselves! But right now. Right now to us it means simply that we will power through hardship together. In an official capacity of course. We've had a lot of practice. Two and half years! And one year living together. It's true. And yeah, ideally, we must be together until death does us part.
I think this whole exercise is an admittance to that -- that this is and always was our ideal."
We find a good resting place with a view, overlooking valleys and mountains and lakes and space.
"Marriage turned out to be so easy. The thing occurred unlike anything we expected... you know, I think we spent far more time deliberating whether we actually wanted to call ourselves Boyfriend and Girlfriend back when at first. Maybe we knew that was it. It took many weeks of negotiation. But we eventually decided we would be Boyfriend and Girlfriend. We were in our winter jackets at night, on the steps to 301, away from everyone else. We admitted our first real 'I love you's. We solemnly promised that we would say 'I love you' only once a week because we both believed that the phrase was way overused to the point of like, what did it mean anyways, you know? So only once a week.
But then, we couldn't stop saying it and now we find ourselves here in this wonderful forest."
You may be shrugging at this.
To which I shrug too, and smile.
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Guess I'm pretty excited about all of this, so I had to post. It's crazy, I always thought marriage was so lame when I was younger and now I'm a married man. Totally flipped on that one.
What do you guys think about marriage? Is it a silly cultural prescription? Want a traditional reception and ceremony? Trying not to think about it? Is it a super big deal? Is it boring? Destined for divorce? Is it useful?
First of all congratulations to you both, I enjoyed reading your way of announcing and your enthusiasm was palpable. I will handle your questions one at a time: 1. What do you guys think about marriage? -I think it's a very serious commitment, until it isn't. Do not get to the isn't. 2. Is it a silly cultural prescription? -Only if you treat it as such. That's all up to you. My wife and I always say that "marriage is an island." What we mean by that is that it is ours and ours alone. We are the only two in it. My marriage is far from perfect, we bicker and can genuinely get on one another's nerves, but I never tell my friends or others about our disputes. Why? Because it's our island and we work through them together. -Or if really need be, with someone that is trained to listen and be objective. But it's an island and it belongs to the two of you. Take good care of it. 3. Want a traditional reception and ceremony? -Just make it yours would be my advice to anyone, whether you are eloping or renting a "hall" that performs 3 weddings a week. Somehow, put your stamp on it. Enjoy it and try and be present. 4. Trying not to think about it? -Why? Think about it. It's a pretty huge step you just took. Own it, it can be wonderful. 5. Is it a super big deal? -Yep 6. Is it boring? -That's like asking if life is boring. It's everything... boring, exciting, fun, tedious, hard-work, rewarding, surprising, exciting etc. 7. Destined for divorce? -Depends on a lot of factors, not the least of which is your resolve to stay married. 8. Is it useful? -Sure. I've been married for 8 years now and we have a history that we share. I suppose that is useful. But if someone is getting married because they think it is useful, they're fucked. Enjoy this day, enjoy tomorrow and enjoy your life together. Marriage rocks and if you have any friends that tell you otherwise, don't ask them about it anymore. Guys that complain about their wives suck.
I like this idea a lot. A lot of people talk about marriage in terms of dependence, but our relationship has always allowed us in a way more independence. We're self-sufficient. Also, I'm interested how marriage shapes the ocean around us -- how will the world look at me with a ring? How will our friends, the majority unmarried, consider our relationship? Will we end up hanging around more couples now? So far the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I will be taking this advice. I see where you're coming from. For us, the functional aspects of marriage inspired the idea to just do it, and I'm more than ok with that. We're trying to move to Toronto early next year, and it's much easier if she's my wife I can sponsor her citizenship. And so we're looking at this option and realizing moving together to a new city, a new country is already in the spirit of marriage. We're trying to build a life together. Thanks for the thoughts and perspective, thenewgreen. OOC, how long have you been married? I notice a graveness to your thoughts here -- I wonder if a child does that to a marriage, or is it just that you've seen a lot of failed and failing marriages in your time?My wife and I always say that "marriage is an island." What we mean by that is that it is ours and ours alone. We are the only two in it.
Marriage rocks and if you have any friends that tell you otherwise, don't ask them about it anymore.
But if someone is getting married because they think it is useful, they're fucked.
I have been married for 8 years. As for the graveness, I haven't seen any more or less failed marriages than anyone else. It's pretty common. What I have noticed is that the ones that fail are the ones that took the commitment lightly or treated it as something trivial. Yeah, we just thought we'd get married cause why not really... -Hey, sometimes that works, but more often than not it takes some real work and more than anything good communication skills to make a marriage work in the long run. Having a child has been great for our marriage. We made sure our marriage was in a good place prior to having a child though, something I would HIGHLY reccommend to anyone reading this. Like anything worth while in life it takes work. That's all. I really enjoy it though. We've been together for nearly 10 years now and just the other day we both played hooky and went to see an afternoon movie. This is something we would have done when we first met too, the only difference now is that we went to see Despicable Me 2 and had a 2.5 year old with us :) edit: For the record, I'm not trying to be preachy or seem like I know any more about this than anyone else that's been married. These are just my observations. Also, from your enthusiasm and genuine curiosity about what others have experienced, I would gladly put money on you and yours having a good go of it!
Yeah, absolutely. I believe it. I've noticed a distinct shift from when I was younger in that I value hard work so much more. I'm not great at it, but one of the important ideas that's helped me along the way is in framing hard work, and the hard work of facing the hard work, as a practice. I consider our relationship to be one of those essential practices in empathetic imagination, of leaping infinitely across the abyss. You know what this reminds me of? ”Let’s just assume this is going to be difficult, ok? ... Let’s assume it’ll be hard, and be grateful when it is not and know it is normal when it is.” |This is something we would have done when we first met too, the only difference now is that we went to see Despicable Me 2 and had a 2.5 year old with us :) That's adorable.Yeah, we just thought we'd get married cause why not really... -Hey, sometimes that works, but more often than not it takes some real work and more than anything good communication skills to make a marriage work in the long run.
Like anything worth while in life it takes work. That's all.
Congrats! I think marriage as a concept is pretty cool, but honestly, I don't like a lot of the "stuff" that has accrued around marriage in many of the cultures I've witnessed it. As far as use goes, in many parts of the world, marriage is still an economic arrangement above all else. I think I would most prefer a marriage without any connotations, other than committing to share my life with a woman according to whatever guiding principles we find agreeable. Of course, I say this as an relatively young, unmarried guy.
I did too. Never really liked the idea of marriage when I was younger and even in my late twenties... but then I met the right girl. I'm getting married October 5th... coming up quickly. Honestly wish at times we could just go to the courthouse and get it over with. We both talk about it sometimes. Lovely story! Congratulations to you!Totally flipped on that one.
Congratulations! That's pretty awesome. I like the idea of eloping (though my family wouldn't...don't worry, though, guys, no dangers of that on the horizon). What I really don't like about marriage or marriage these days is how you're expected to spend an ungodly sum, and in fact, if you tell people you are organizing a wedding, you will. They will tell you you need this or that and honest-to-goodness they jack prices up on a lot of stuff, like catering, etc, just because they know it's a wedding. I'd much rather have the down payment on a house than a traditional wedding. (This is one of my wedding rants, haha.) What do I think about marriage - I think it's a great thing or can be a great thing. I also think a lot of people don't take it seriously or don't realize the full ramifications of it. I don't think it's something I'm ready for and I don't konw if it's something I'm ever going to do. Silly cultural prescription? Nah, I don't think so. Hey, at very minimum I always advocate people consider the tax breaks. I think there can be benefits if you do it right besides that as well. Having someone who will care for you when you are old? Great. Also, building that shared history...I think that's pretty neat. I'm sure it is less lonely. Traditional reception and ceremony? Oh, honest, I never grew up thinking about getting married. I was engaged once (one of the reasons I have strong opinions about it and its potential success for me now) and I had no idea where to start with the wedding planning. I don't really give a crap about most of it. I think an outdoor wedding would be nice as I've been to two of those and those can be pretty fun. Really I think if I were to get married I would just want a giant informal party with all my friends where we drink. And maybe dance. Trying not to think about it? – Yes, sure. Not for me right now, at least. Is it a super big deal? A lifelong commitment? Absolutely. Part of the reason I’m not for it for me right now. Is it boring? - Oh, I guess it can be. I don’t think I can speak to that. Destined for divorce? Is it useful? – I’m one of those lucky kids whose parents are still relatively happily married so I can’t say it’s destined for divorce. Useful? Sure. Tax benefits, you know? But again I don’t know if I have enough experience to answer this question well.
And one I'm on board with. My parents right now are trying to sponsor a honeymoon right now, and while it sounds like fun, I can't help but think the money could be better spent... I'm pretty sure this is what is going to end up happening! Definitely dancing though. There'll be enough drink.(This is one of my wedding rants, haha.)
Really I think if I were to get married I would just want a giant informal party with all my friends where we drink. And maybe dance.
That said, this was ten days ago so you may already be on your honeymoon. If so, hope you're enjoying it!And one I'm on board with. My parents right now are trying to sponsor a honeymoon right now, and while it sounds like fun, I can't help but think the money could be better spent...
Then say so! Offer alternatives. Talk it over with your spouse -- does she feel the same way? In my relatively short time on earth I've come to realize that the lack of stress caused by some small financial security is much better than the temporary removal of stress that a honeymoon or other vacation can offer.
I'm sitting in an airport with my sleepy wife of just a few weeks right now, waiting for our red eye. When I was younger and all through my adult life, I never much cared for the institute of marriage. In American culture, so many forms of the ceremony carry either overt messages or echoes of misogyny or homophobia, and with over half the population getting divorced, it isn't even sacred by the numbers in a secular sense. None of this is to say I was against the institution (nowadays you can craft it to your liking), -I just wasn't for it on any level. It was never a dream of mine. I always figured I'd probably get married one day because the statistical likelihood of finding a girl who was as disinterested in the institution as I was was fairly small. Turns out I was right. So after being together four years we were married. It involved some compromises on my part (atheist with a gay sister getting married in a church). But all those compromises were easy to make. Being with someone you care about that much for that long teaches you things. I learned that I don't need to make an ideological stand on her happiness. She knows me and she knows who I am, and I her. That makes compromise truly possible and easier to do than it ever has been before. I was not prepared for the sense of accomplishment I felt, as I do not look at marriage as an accomplishment, -just a meaningful promise to each other where the real accomplishment is what precipitated the vows. Much to my surprise, in the days afterwards I felt like I had achieved something great. Like I had beaten Bowser. I honestly am still passively wrapping g my head around this one. I've never once felt the slightest bit that marriage equated to any sort of life milestone, -not even an insignificant one. Right now my running theory is that I'm simply not immune to a lifetime of cultural messaging, and because marriage is viewed as an accomplishment in our society, I feel accomplished. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for many women. Anyway, it has more significance to me in the direct aftermath than I would have imagined, in a few different ways. Too many to list on an iPhone in an airport. Mostly things are exactly as they were before we were married. The difference is not tidal, but rather subtle and varied. There is something to formally promising things to one another in the crucible of a ceremony.
>I was not prepared for the sense of accomplishment I felt, as I do not look at marriage as an accomplishment, -just a meaningful promise to each other where the real accomplishment is what precipitated the vows. Much to my surprise, in the days afterwards I felt like I had achieved something great. Like I had beaten Bowser. I honestly am still passively wrapping g my head around this one. I've never once felt the slightest bit that marriage equated to any sort of life milestone, -not even an insignificant one. Right now my running theory is that I'm simply not immune to a lifetime of cultural messaging, and because marriage is viewed as an accomplishment in our society, I feel accomplished. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for many women. > Mostly things are exactly as they were before we were married. The difference is not tidal, but rather subtle and varied. This is eerily similar to the situation I find myself in. It took me completely by surprise. People are congratulating me in belief and disbelief and I'm like, you know what... yeah. (And what's the alternative, to be argumentative these cultural messaging?) It's like we've taken a step into maturity, a further crystallization of a concept for life. That concept is still ours, intensely personal and unfolding. And I know what follows is this totally unglamorous difficult time. But I find myself saying, bring it on. Thanks for writing, it's good to hear.
Let me pull a thenewgreen and give the questions some brief thought. What do you guys think about marriage? Marriage is a public affirmation of a private commitment. Even eloping, you still did the paperwork. Making it legal does not make it more sustainable or less sustainable; however if one of you previously expressed an ambivalence, getting married does send a clear message to the other partner. Marriage notwithstanding, having a committed life partner at some point in your life is a good idea, definitely something to try once or twice. Practice makes perfect. Is it a silly cultural prescription? Absolutely, luckily the "culture" is constantly changing and, while marriage used to be a form of slavery, it seems to be becoming (in some cultures) an egalitarian institution with many attempting it "in order to form a more perfect union" as Americans like to say. Want a traditional reception and ceremony? Trying not to think about it? Many factors will play into how you announce and celebrate your event. It makes no difference how big or how small the event is. The biggest weddings ever can lead to terrible marriages (Charles and Diana, for one). Is it a super big deal? I think having "a deal" is a good idea. My current husband and I made this deal: We'd stay together as long as the marriage was at least as interesting as our work -- or some similar silly thing. He's long forgotten what the deal was. What we needed at the time at our ages is definitely very different from what you need now. We understood that the other person was not there to make us happy. We are responsible for our own happiness and we are also interested in and committed to contributing to the other person's happiness -- but as I learned, I can't just be a candle in a dark place if the darkness can't perceive light. ok, this is long enough. Have a super happy life together. Partnering is a good thing and finding someone that you are looking for who is also looking for you is a miracle!
Yeahhh that's really true. Already, we've gotten a taste of that. It's actually incredibly hard to make somebody happy. Maybe it's about creating an environment for happiness to be possible. Which what does that entail? So far, I think having an unshakable interest in each other, acceptance, a generosity. And then having goals and challenges to work together to accomplish, goals that will hopefully allow for further personal growth and happiness. Hmm yeah, that's true. I was incredibly lucky too that I grew up with ultra-competent modern egalitarian parents. In many ways, that's what I aspire to be. On the other hand, my wife's dad died before she could get to know him and grew up with a power-mom raising four kids single handedly. She has a very romantic sensibility, but not in any old-fashioned domesticated sense. I cringe thinking about how crappy I was at it with my first girlfriend!We understood that the other person was not there to make us happy. We are responsible for our own happiness and we are also interested in and committed to contributing to the other person's happiness -- but as I learned, I can't just be a candle in a dark place if the darkness can't perceive light.
Absolutely, luckily the "culture" is constantly changing and, while marriage used to be a form of slavery, it seems to be becoming (in some cultures) an egalitarian institution with many attempting it "in order to form a more perfect union" as Americans like to say.
Practice makes perfect.
Congratulations! As for my own views on marriage... I don't see myself ever getting married. I've always - or at least since I was fifteen or so - had what I think is a very realistic view of relationships, even if you might consider it pessimistic instead. I can't imagine myself being with someone for more than a few years; I kind of think that most relationships have an expiration date. And yeah, people stay together, but I think by then the passionate love has long gone and they're basically really good friends. Which, in and of itself, is great, but I can't imagine myself ever sitting down to it.
Congratulations man! I want to answer your question but I must admit that I'm a bit young and I may not have the knowledge or experience to give you good answer. What I can say, however, is that I hope that you have a wonderful marriage! Edit: And on another note, I'm really happy to see this. Something had me in a really bad mood and I came on Hubski to cool off and one of the first things I see is this. You getting married. Good news. Happy community. I really do like Hubski.
ecib, You're a married man these days, any advice for Floatbox? Also, CONGRATS!