It's been quite a week and my mind has been all over the place, so I'm going to post in here just to get it all down.

I had to put my dog down on Sunday (he was the family dog, but I was there when we first got him). It was a sudden turn of events that started on Friday. He became very sick very quick, and no matter what the vet did he just got worse. I had to make the decision to put him down. I think that decision, no matter how sure I was, will haunt me for a really long time. I had to pick my father up from the airport to drive straight to the vet to be there with him for his last moments. I miss him tremendously, and I will never forget that moment. I've had another dog pass before, but this time kind of messed me up.

I mentioned I was picking up my father from the airport, he had been with his father down in Florida who almost died the week prior. My grandfather had finally gotten a pacemaker installed and things were looking up. My sister went down to Florida to continue being with my grandmother and grandfather while he recovered. I get a text while at work that he is back in the hospital, and my heart sinks. My dad hasn't gotten a break for weeks between his father, his job, and our dog. I wish there was more I could do for him.

On the brighter side, my supervisors are very happy with my work and ability. I received a raise in salary, and they are looking to have me work under some of the more senior staff to gain new skills inside and outside of my field. I'm also slowly progressing on my fantasy novel, which I feel like I have a solid handle on for the first time in weeks.

I enjoyed it, I've never really gone to see a superhero movie with the intention of deriving a whole lot from them beyond action, and some degree of a power fantasy.

I thought they explain that time travel doesn't work like that? When Iron-man snaps Thanos and his army out of existence it is only from one timeline, with that in mind there would be a timeline where thanos is dead, and the snap never occurs. I mean there really aren't many clever ways to stop someone who believes themselves inevitable. I mean he is entirely unreliable and his concept was painted as flawed after Infinity War. Gamora's past reveals that Thanos' plan is batshit insane because Gamora is the last of her kind. Could there have been a more complex approach? Probably.The army that is wiped out of existence isn't actually made up of many sentient creatures at all. The Chitauri are created with the sole purpose of being organic war machines.

I don't hate the movies because I guess I just go into them with a different perspective or set of expectations?

Headed to San Francisco for a long weekend on Saturday, since my mom's got a conference over there. Should be a fun time.

I haven't posted much, and I mostly lurk now-a-days. This post was something I connected with. I'm not sure exactly how to respond or if there is a right way to respond to this, but here I go:

I hope that you continue to scream into the void if only because I can hear it. There is comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I haven't lived enough years to say anything meaningful about your struggle, but just know you aren't alone. Keep fighting and never let your voice be swallowed up.

I'm gonna say my more painful or sad experiences. This is in no way speaking for everyone else, but the creative pieces I have always returned to were born from my deeper conflicts manifested in word (in my case). They serve as deep breaths in an already complicated day to day. Some of them are dramatically overdone, or too soft to mean anything to anyone. All of them though have pain, sadness, anger, or doubt tied to them.

Nah, Edison Research.

Hey guys,

Been lurking most days now, but figured I'd stop in to say hello. I ended up getting a job a couple of months ago working for a market research/election research company. It's been a lot of fun so far and I'm learning a lot about both fields (even though currently I'm leg-deep in election research). Things are going well though and it feels very comforting to be employed.

Daniel Caesar - Best Part

Monsune - Nothing in Return

Amber Mark - Love Me Right

Happy New Year

I would get the Switch personally. I have one and that console is fantastic little thing. The games are really interactive and fun. Super Mario Odyssey has a lot of little puzzles and things to collect. The switch still has some motion controls. I've enjoyed everything about the console and it has a lot of parental controls for you to manage your kids playtime.

My mom's rice, or just plain carrots. My mom's rice is just delicious, there is nothing else to it. I've given myself stomach aches chowing down on that food. Carrots because I enjoy chewing things.

Holy mother of god. Star Wars was so painful to watch. I'm so glad I'm not alone. I have all these friends telling me I'm out of my mind for feeling the way I do. I legit left that movie confused as to why I wasted my time watching it. The one thing that frustrated me more than anything is the Force Awakened spent an entire movie setting the groundwork for the universe only for it to be completely wiped away in TLJ. I was alright with the concept of them wiping the slate clean and moving on from the old stories, but I never wanted it to be executed so poorly. I mean TFA was the first movie of the trilogy, but so was TLJ. Now we get to move on to the last film in this trilogy, except we are still only at the very beginning. I just have no clue what they were thinking with this film.

Just quickly to run through my gripes with the characters:

Snoke? Who is he? Oh, he is dead. OK.

General Hux? a comedic punching bag.

Phasma? I'm sorry who is that? The silver stormtrooper? Yea that doesn't ring a bell? Anyway, dead.

Kylo? Still mad for whatever reason

First Order? Slowly chasing some low tech rebel ships through space, can't catch um though. Dreadnought surface defense destroyed by one tiny ship.

Poe? He is a leader, oh he is not. He is hot headed, and must learn to be a leader? Oh OK, kinda generic.

Leia? Force sensetive? No full force user? Wait what?

Luke? Sad because he made a mistake of assuming Kylo was already lost. Even though his dad had the same issue, and he held out hope then?

Finn? Is going through nearly the same plot arch he did in TFA.

Rey? She is a good guy.

Resistance? Still resisting kinda.

I mean there are a ton of political issues outside of net neutrality that the government skews to near dangerous levels. Probably even more so than net neutrality. Those are the 'things' I'm referring to mostly.

The reality of it is, things are going to suck probably for a good portion if not all of our lives. If there is one thing I've learned is everything is an upward battle. You keep fighting you keep doing everything within your power physically and morally. That's all you can do. You just have to come to terms with the fact you will probably never enjoy the fruits of your labor.

It's definitely an experience to keep a journal. I found my writing to be a lot more truthful. It's definitely a place you can be brutally honest and still consider it healthy because no one is going to read it besides you. In some of my entries I'm a whiny little shit, but I can't be angry with myself because I would have preferred that whining to go on in the pages of a book no one will read rather than in my everyday life.

Found a bunch of old journals the other day. Read through most of them, others I just threw out after a few pages. The ones I threw out were mostly out of frustration with that version of myself, or maybe the environment I was in at the time. There was some beautiful stuff in there (I don't know if that sounds presumptuous), but I'm just surprised I could write like that in some of the earlier journals. I also noticed I mostly wrote about negative things, but I don't think I was necessarily more negative than I am now. My guess is I mostly used these journals to work through the negative things in my life, rather than air them out in my everyday life. Even with the skew towards negative entries I could still outline my ups and downs pretty accurately. Very interesting read.

I don't think there is one.

Battlerite, its like a top down brawler. Some people call it League of Legends, but with just the team fights. I don't know if that is an accurate description. I'm thinking of picking up Destiny 2 maybe for Black Friday. Beyond that I play FFXIV, raid three times a week for an hour or two.

Something beautiful died last night, but my vision was cloudy. I see vibrant color splashed against canvas, hear voices matured and grown. The warmth of love fills my chest, and I know I am home. I squint trying to make out the shapes of my future, but my sight continues to fade. Gone, as quickly as it came.

This is what it's like to be lost

To not know what lies ahead

Each step taken

hesitant,

Or not at all.

And this is what it's like:

Not to have words

For how you feel

To see the world

in washed out color

ground smooth

by the ever swift

movement of time.

Secretly, I think they do it on purpose. The spectacle of all of this gets them shit loads of views across every media platform. It's a shame that they would put views, ad money, etc. above all other things.