Most everyone on hubski knows what they are talking about. We all have specialized interests and we naturally post most often about those interests. Thus statistically we generally know of what we speak.

So it's not a bad assumption to go into each conversation assuming you're talking to a professional, or at least an armchair expert. It tends to work for me.

I don't consider myself an expert on almost anything -- nothing particularly relevant, anyway -- so my second assumption is generally that whomever I am opening a dialogue with is more knowledgeable than me. This isn't always true (and sometimes I blow it, and am rude, and sad), but that's fine; no poorer am I for taking the inferior position. The goal is after all to learn.

Anyway, that's my tiny input. I read a little bit of the other stuff in this thread, and some of the links to other things you are all evidently a-fluster about, and I think I'll keep my small contribution brief. Brevity is valuable and everything to say has been said.

I just used all my saved badges on this thread and it was completely worth it.

This is another difficult question for me to answer, like the incompetence thread - which I didn't comment in at all as a result.

People do make assumptions on the internet all the time. It's based not only on what's on the page in front of them, but what's going on in their life. This reminds me of the kleinbl00 and insomniasexx post which kb referred to in a different thread earlier, and which I hadn't read in whole until he posted it. Long story short insom got really irritated by kb and made that clear. It later came out that insom was dealing with a whole bunch of shit at the time and kb unfortunately got caught in some emotional crossfire. Or friendly fire. He got hit by it even though by and large the ammunition was coming from and really aimed towards other sources.

Sometimes I can understand why people make assumptions. I got yelled at on Reddit just recently for asking an OP to clarify something. Long story short there were a lot of divided opinions about the OP in the post, so there were some very nasty comments that didn't support the OP getting downvoted, and a ton of very positive comments getting upvoted. I personally didn't know how I felt about the situation so I asked the OP to clarify - but someone else thought I was essentially concern-trolling, asking the question because I was being a snarky bitch who'd already formed an opinion about the OP. I finally pointed out to the commenter that it's possible to have different readings of a post and, last time I checked, the poster didn't respond. The poster thought I was trying to subtly undermine the OP; really I was trying to get more information in a polite manner (because of the trolling; I didn't want to be taken for one) because something wasn't clear to me. I could understand why the poster had made an assumption. (I couldn't quite understand why they needed to insist I was an undermining, dumb bitch for three posts, but hey, each to their own piss and cheerios.)

Sometimes when assumptions like that are made I think it's valuable to consider the other perspective and why someone might have the thoughts they're having. Sometimes it's clear cut, like the example above. Sometimes it's less obvious, like with insom and kb.

Other times I think assumptions are made based on ignorance and/or haste. For instance, when you skim through a post and don't take the time to read it thoroughly, you'll often find when you reference it later that you either miss important details (like quotation marks) or miss key facts, like thinking someone is obtaining their undergraduate degree when their bio clearly states that they have graduated. It's not a lack of research here, it's a lack of attention to detail. The ignorance and the haste can combine certain issues: sometimes it may be necessary to think about what would be the best way to approach a person about an observed issue, instead of immediately jumping in and raising the issue. For instance, if I am irritated by something or someone, I think it's advisable to take it up with that person individually (in most cases). It can reduce that person's embarrassment. This of course assumes that person is capable of feeling embarrassment.

My personal policy is that if I am caught in the wrong, especially on the job or with friends, to immediately and completely "own" the wrong. This matters a lot at work: if you go to your boss with something you've fucked up as soon as you realize you are unable to un-fuck it up, you give your boss the most amount of time to deal with the issue. If you try to cover it up and panic, the issue simply becomes worse, time runs out, and the potential fixes you and your boss can apply (together) start to run out. I think apologies are a good thing.

Sometimes when a given person and I have different opinions about something, especially if that person assumes their experience is the only experience, I try to present the background of my experience that causes me to feel such a way. This can be "bad" sometimes because I often caveat my feelings by saying "In my personal experience" or "with me personally", seeming to limit my experience to only me when it fact I usually believe it's not that unusual of an experience. Still, it helps to not ruffle feathers.

thenewgreen you would be proud of me, I can't write any more here because...I'm off to play tennis! I wanted to tell you. I've only played once so far but I'm not bad and I love it. Thinking of you dude.

I hope you get more answers to your question, lil.

It isn't the assumption, it's what you do with it.

I recently finished Max Tegmark's "Our Mathematical Universe" which is basically a cosmologist's attempt at the ultimate theory of Life, the Universe and Everything (or, at the very least, a philosophical discussion thereof underpinned by math and cosmology). One of the interesting points he makes is that "reality" is not only subjective, but there are, for practical purposes, three kinds:

- Physical reality (that which would be, regardless of whether there's anyone to observe it)

- Consensus reality (a collective, agreed-upon interpretation of physical reality)

- Internal reality (an individual's perception of the universe as it appears only to them)

Within that framework, you can't help but make assumptions. "Making assumptions" is the only way to create an internal reality - "I cannot see through the table, therefore I assume it is solid." "Ramona is consistently rude to me, therefore I assume she's a bitch." The tricky part is in wedding your internal reality with the consensus reality.

That's where it goes off the rails. This is where "people skills" come in. At some point, you're going to need to broach the subject with that other person that you've assumed they're a white male between 18 and 25 that doesn't date much. "People skills" are necessary to test your assumptions and revise them so that your internal reality better matches consensus reality.

The problem with The Internet is You Are Always Right. When the other side of the argument is an abstraction, lending it credo takes a heapin' helpin' of humility.

If you aren't practiced at it, discarding a hypothesis is a dreadful chore. If you aren't zealously willing to be wrong, amending your perceptions is a painful process. Forming opinions? Easiest thing in the world. Reforming opinions? You have to practice at it.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself; I am large, I contain multitudes."

- Walt Whitman

One has to have been consistently right for a boring amount of time before being wrong is a reward. If you're clever, though, you discover that being wrong is perhaps the best possible way to learn something. The trick is being wrong without being a dick about it - something that I struggle with.

Practicing mindfulness meditation has been great for me in regards to this. One recent revelation of mine was that I'd instinctively react to almost everything my brother said with a slight distaste (we've bee living together recently). When I became aware of this and inspected it further, I found that this was because I subtly thought I was better than him. I was never openly patronising or elitist - I'm quite contentious of my outward communication - but there was definitely a mental state there. Of course, I saw how silly and potentially damaging this was and on letting that assumption go our interaction has been all the better.

I think the key is giving yourself space from the thoughts and emotions of the moment. When you assume someone has attacked or inflicted some negativity against you, its very easy to get carried away with your instinctive reaction. Especially so on the internet, where there's a lot more room for mis-communication. Also, being mindful to explore potential perspectives other than your own. Assumptions mostly come from us imparting our own experience, whether it be lacking or greater, on to a subject that doesn't warrant/fit it.

I enjoyed reading all the comments. (Grade a lurker actually states something) Thanks all.

I am a walking bag of wrong assumptions (towards me and sometimes from me onto others)

Half arabic/half polish, living in Israel, studying in Germany, blond/brown curly hair, speaks different languages etc.

This combination leads to weird (and sometimes funny) situations.

Depending on what part of the story a person I just met knows, it can take different turns.

An example: Last thursday, I was invited to a party at some jewish friend's ranch, many people were present and I was new to this social circle, so I naturally introduced myself to the people. I was talking in english to them, my hebrew is rusty after 6 years in germany and drunk english is just easier.

People assumed I am a german jew that just came to the country a few months ago and is just learning hebrew (somebody who did an Aliah - עליה) and tried to build a conversation on that, asking me how I like it in Israel and so on.

Until they asked where I came from and were shocked to be told that I was born and raised in an arabic town about 15min away by car...

That is where the interesting part starts, what do they do with this sudden change of structure? How do they deal with it?

Another example would be if they already now my name and my origin (introduced to one another on Facebook) and then assume and apply all the stereotypes known about arabs on be and then be totally surprised that I support polyamorous relationships, show interest in psychedelic drugs and the pillow-like shape under my shirt is not a bomb but a cute beer-belly...

I am also guilty of assumptions. Assuming a person is gay just because they are male and listen to Shakira or the assumption that all hippies enjoy smoking weed or something.

It feels like our brains like making shortcuts like assumptions. To make analyzing every single person we meet/interact with faster or more efficient while we should actually try and experience every person individually...

How do we turn that off?

Hahah, yeah, b_b totally owned me, nice and proper-like. :)

Firstly, minimize drunken hubski posting.

Secondly, this entire topic is one of those lifelong conundrums.

You can't assume nothing, which is what the Buddhists might tell you to do. Perhaps not, but it sounds "zen"... or something. Unfortunately, not assuming things can be dangerous, in some circumstances. A date rapist won't politely inform their target "Yes, yes, I'm going to rape you"... the target can (typically) only evade the attacker via inference. That's an extreme example, but humans benefit in many instances from inferring new facts based upon context clues. Indeed, it's hardwired into our psychology, related to our survival instincts.

So yeah, we're always judging. We're always categorizing. We're stuck in an era when we were such primal creatures so recently, with society now evolving at a breakneck pace. We're trying to run Windows 7 on Compaqs. Of course we're confused and fucking up all the time.

I guess the real trick is to figure out when it's best to turn assumption-making on and off. I'm not going to pretend I'll ever master such a skill, so speculating on it here would be baseless. In general, though, it does like us humans are too quick to jump to a conclusion.

Whenever I am wrong in an assumption, I find it refreshing. I love seeing stereotypes smashed. Even spotting a car with handicapped plates tearing ass down the highway delights me. It seems like it's always best to make explanations, not excuses, but the line between the two can be a bit hazy at times...

Jumping to conclusions/acting on assumption is, or can be, based on two things: a lack of information, and/or moving beyond the boundaries of whatever you're making assumptions about.

By that I mean, one can make assumptions because they don't have enough information about the situation at hand, yet act anyway.

I think the problem with such circumstances is that it actually takes a lot to apologize after jumping to conclusions. I know this better than anyone because I am stubborn as a mule, especially when I was in high school. That Turkish blood, it runs in the family, haha. Anyways, apologizing about jumping to conclusions means admitting you were wrong about something, which is difficult for lots of people, and the reason I think lots of arguments and conflict occur.

So, when I jump to a conclusion, and somebody gets mad at me about it, I think about that. Nobody wants to have someone angry at them. It feels like a personal attack, even when it isn't, so it's easy to lash out, even if you're the one that made the incorrect assumption. But remembering that it's difficult to apologize, then apologizing anyway, makes me feel a lot better about the situation, and myself. It's also, I'm sure, lowered my blood-pressure, and has made me much calmer of a person.

As an addendum, this whole process can be more difficult online, where information is permanent, and communication that isn't face-to-face leaves much more room for assumptions to be made. It's the whole reason /s exists.

I wrote about this on hubski on an occasion when I assumed wrongly that the author of a posted story was female.

Done this so many times, I profusely apologize to everyone, insomniasexx especially, oh god.

What about in the face-to-face world? Has anyone made a hurtful wrong assumption about you based on a false interpretation?

I was denied entry to a public event a few weeks ago and was not supplied with a reason.

So here's the story. My business partner and I were going to a mining convention - an industry that has historically been dominated by conservative males. We were dressed... pretty frumpily, to be honest. I had a sweater and jeans (I look student-aged, so I was passable) while by business partner had a black SPACE t-shirt and a backpack. At the ticket booth, there was a guy in a suit behind the woman selling exhibition-only passes (advertised as open to the public) who whispered a few things to her. When my business partner got his turn to buy a pass, she said "I'm sorry, we cannot let you in."

Now he's actually a pretty well respected guy in mining research despite his appearance. Two masters degrees from the school that was in part sponsoring the event, in fact. Still denied entry. When he asked why, we received no answer and we were bounced out by another guy in a suit. Very strange.

Day 2 we returned in suits, armed with business cards, and AGAIN the woman at the booth said no. She said it was out of her control and that her superior made the decision. We demanded to speak with him.

So he came and spoke with us and we explained that we were there to network and do business. We showed him our cards, and he apologized. He thought the day before that we were environmental activists who were going to protest the speech that was being made in the next room. I informed him that there was no dress code specified for the event, and we thought it was open to visitors. That was in fact true. To make up for it, he comped our tickets AND gave us VIP passes to the event, which actually turned out to be quite helpful.

I learned a lot in those 48 hours, and I'm not sure if all of it is expressible here. Certainly I got a more accurate view of myself and it has sharpened my self-perception. Sometimes another's assumptions useful for your own self-realization.

Thank you, thank you, everyone for your responses.

First of all, I want to apologize to teamr. I should have dealt with my problems directly through a pm -- but I didn't realize what they were until today.

Here's the pm I should have written:

Dear Teamr,

When I listed Rufus Wainwright as my personal indulgence, in response to tng's question, I said with some ambiguity "Rufus Wainwright, mmmmmm." So it is perfectly understandable that you might think I was dreaming of an indulgence with Rufus instead of merely with his music (which I love).

What bothered me was your comment, "I hate to burst your bubble." The phrase seemed condescending. When we feel someone talking down to us, it tends to create defensiveness. The disconnection between people begins.

I was aware that I was irked, but I didn't explore it and realize how disconnected I had become and my ability to stay in an empathic place with you diminished, so I got into a mean competitive place and thought about how I could make your comment look bad. I don't want to be in that place. It took me till this afternoon to figure it out.

I feel like the internet would be an immensely better place if people were to realize that behind every username, every post, is a person who lives, interacts and has feelings.

The best way, I have found, to interact on the internet is to assume the good in people first, and then when you have been shown otherwise act accordingly. Of course, there are obvious trolls (see 4chan's /b/, or some of the circlejerk subreddits), but especially in edge cases where you are unsure of the intentions of people (or you know your own personal knee-jerk reaction to take something the wrong way), it's always best to be pleasant. It can even diffuse a situation where the other person was being a dick, but seeing your reaction, changes their perspective.

My children call me out sometimes for making assumptions about the character of their friends, I listen to their side, and what they say changes my perspective.

Assumptions happen all the time and are needed all the time. Often right, sometimes wrong, on rare occasions devastatingly wrong. Still, we need them so much that it is impossible to get rid of it.

There's this sentence, "I never said she stole my car", which you can say in 7 different ways (e.g. I never said she stole my car or I never said or...) . And that is just a simple sentence, without ambiguous words or contexts. Think of all the different ways you can interpret someone else's words. It's overwhelming, really.

I make mistakes, too, like when I understood thenewgreen's words differently in my Hubwheel Bar post and responded in a way that didn't fit. The best way to handle something like that, I think, is to take a step back and think about what you wanted to communicate, why it failed and what knowledge you need to communicate to clarify the situation. I sometimes get excited and I want to respond immediately, so I need to remind myself to actively take that step back. Communication is key, after all.

Being the instigator of said turd tornado, my instigation was based, as far as I can tell, on seeing a comment that on the surface seemed to be bullheadishly sexist toward not only women, but men, and almost cartoonishly reminiscent of Reddit-style misogyny (perhaps I should have caught the 'cartoonishly'), and I guess apparently not having context like knowing who the heck Maddox was and having played Animal Crossing or being able to detect sarcasm over the nonverbal-cue-free medium of the internet. I guess we're all supposed to know every meme on the internet and be able to instantly tell when someone's being sarcastic even without reams and pages of context that can frankly be a little excessive of a request to make someone sift through depending on how much it is.

I 'fessed up to my misreading as soon as it was explained, but I can't say I'm particularly sorry for it given the response, and the fact that the other party to it made stupid amounts of assumptions about my own motives.

But ultimately, at least as far as I can tell, it didn't rustle my jimmies to nearly the extent it rustled kleinbl00's. I forgot about it by the next day and actually tried to interact with him later on a post on the death penalty in a neutral sort of setting, but clearly he hasn't and neither have other people here.

And that's the extent of what I'm going to say about that.

And lil, I didn't realize that you were talking about his music instead of, say, his appearance or sex appeal. The 'mmm' led me in the latter direction, to be fair.

I'm not easily embarrassed and not easily hurt emotionally, and doubly not by faceless people with whom I'm not engaging face-to-face, because at least in the way that I interact with the internet, it strips away a lot from communication and makes it ephemeral. A lot of you are very nice people, and I do try not to be an asshole, and I've mostly enjoyed my time on Hubski so far, but you're all still just marginally less faceless than Reddit to me still because of the interface we use, and the moment I get assholed at I don't much care about being an asshole back.

Anyway, if everyone gave a shit about what everyone else thought of them, we'd all be emotional cripples. Everybody's hated, disliked, or misinterpreted by somebody.