I'm sitting at a coffee shop in the upper French Quarter in New Orleans, waiting for a friend to wake up, and I'm overhearing a conversation.
It's three businessmen here for a conference and they're clearly all trying to impress each other, and they're all coming off as super fake and trying way too hard.
It got me thinking, we all know of cases of an outwardly jolly guy who committed suicide, or the guy with the luxury everything who is so deep in debt that oil barons would have to pool their money to help.
We all present modified outward images, sometimes because people haven't earned the right to look closely at us, sometimes because we don't want to worry them, sometimes because we want people to associate us with fun times and not problems...
What I'm most wondering right now is: how much do others feel like we do and how much can we truly differ? No adult feels like one at all times, really... We all seem to just "do what we have to" and that's what makes us responsible adults, no one is as solid and bulletproof as they try to portray, we all get desperate, sad, and scared.
So, how often are we really in the same room as someone wearing the same suit of armor we are?
How much do we go out of our way to hide the weaknesses we all share? And how many people are devoid enough of empathy that they'd use those against us? (I certainly know several).
Is the number large enough to justify us covering up our insecurities? Or, is it just a concession we make to make living in a society possible (we can't all be responsible for each other's personal problems)?
Anyway, pardon my rambling, my friend is up. I'm off to enjoy the city.
It was a blast for me to find out that other people, too, hold internal dialogues! Wow! They actually talk to themselves inside their heads! To this day, I don't fully believe it - it's one of those things you have to experience to believe - but the possibility of it, at the time, meant that I wasn't as weird and alien to humanity as I thought of myself, and it was... hopeful. Now that I've found that I'm not actually that weird, I think I understand human beings better. I'm hoping for an opportunity to get into someone's head if it will give me full access to their perception with me retaining my knowledge of what my perception is, so that I could watch how my mind's new body adjusts and notice what exactly adjusts. I also hope that it might include an ability to watch their thought processes without interrupting, for the same purpose and also to understand others better. P.S. Turns out, dashnhammit has it quite like me in social situations: that "you're weird" state where people are too shy to come to me and just have a conversation - as is with him/her, I suppose. Too bad I can't reply: I'm blocked and know not why.
I feel like the only person who we will truly ever know is ourselves. The images we project towards people aren't ones who truly reflect who we are, and in a way, creates a double persona.
We all present modified outward images, sometimes because people haven't earned the right to look closely at us, sometimes because we don't want to worry them, sometimes because we want people to associate us with fun times and not problems...
If I were you and you were me, I don't think we'd be able to tell the difference. I'm not expressing it well here but there is a concept in several religions, Buddhism most notably that we are all discrete portions of a unified whole. What makes that interesting in this context is the idea that if you were born, as a man, to one of those businessmen's families, and were presented with the same environment and influences that he was, you very likely would be in the same spot, projecting the same armor/externalities, feeling the same quiet desparation, intense joy and every other feeling that may be coursing through the person you're observing. The golden rule makes much more than superficial sense when you realize the only thing really differentiating you from the person you're interacting with is the circumstances of your birth. (Which admittedly catalyzes every other possible differentiating or identifying experience.)
There can be a lot of strength in this. Knowing that everyone else is also carrying around a vast world full of uncertainty and insecurity atop their shoulders can be liberating. Conversely, it can be paralyzingly assuming that everyone else has it "figured out," -they don't. We are all just looking for answers.So, how often are we really in the same room as someone wearing the same suit of armor we are?
pretty much all the time and with everyone, to varying degrees.
Constantly, for a myriad of reasons. I'm not going to go into it, but all I'm going to say is this: When you get burnt at a young age on a stovetop, you're going to think thrice about putting your hand on anything that even looks or seems like it works remotely like a stovetop - and when you decide to do it, being burnt again just reinforces to to the point where there's a moment where you find it easier to just skip out on stovetop-like objects than to be burnt again. In the same fashion - as hard on the mind as it can be sometimes, it may be better to hide under the armor and mask than to give ammunition that can (and eventually will) be used against you. I do it, and to me it makes sense that everyone else does it - because in this world, I find, there's four kinds of people; the people who just don't care about people and have nothing to show under the mask, the people who wear a mask to protect themselves, the people who dare removing their masks and the people who just throw pepper spray or acid at everyone in the face for giggles - and those who happen to not be wearing their masks at that moment get hurt, sometimes permanently (and visibly if they make the mistake of not wearing a mask again)
That's a pretty pessimistic viewpoint :( I personally feel reasonably happy most time. I have my worries but it's mostly stuff like the upcoming exam or presentation that I know don't matter in the long run. I might cry a couple times during stressful times to get the frustration out, but that doesn't happen very often. And how deep from the surface are you talking about? Sure, my 500 facebook friends only see the nice pictures and fun times I'm having but anyone close to me usually know about my current goals, struggles and ambitions. I don't bother them with the specifics of my problems not to hide anything but because I doubt anyone wants to get into the specifics of why exactly a particular class is stressing me out, it's enough to just say "I've been on edge lately with school, let's go have a beer and talk about other stuff". There is no way to truly know the truth about how happy others around you truly are but I prefer thinking everybody's reasonably happy or are trying something to make it better.
1) you started off making a judgment about my viewpoint, dismissing what I'd I said with the label "pessimistic". May not have been your intention, but the words told a different story. 2) "500 facebook friends" You and I have a different definition of friendship. 3) "I don't bother them with the specifics of my problems", i.e., you are controlling what these others see on your surface. Which is exactly what I said in my original comment. 4) You're living in a happy bubble. Meaning, from what you said, if I take your word for it, you seem to be relatively emotional stable, no problems with depression, and you thus gravitate towards and attract other people like you. That is your world. Consider that by living in that bubble, you are making assumptions about the general human experience. Meaning, anyone with depression, anyone with poor social skills, they must be doing it wrong. No. Life is different for everyone. Try going to adult support groups for people with disabilities, and hearing the stories of people no matter how hard they try, they're always ostracized, always judged, and because of this their unhappiness is greater than yours. Everyone's pain is relative. This comment thread might've gone differently if you'd phrased your initial comment differently. So, this comment of mine, I don't mean it argumentatively, not picking a fight, but answering your question honestly, and hopefully we both can take something from this exchange. Also, I'm severely PMSing.
1) I honestly don't remember what exactly in your comment struck me as pessimistic but sorry if I made this assumption unnecessarily 2) I was not claiming that the 500 people on my facebook are friends, I can count my friend on my fingers. You said in your previous comment something like " everyone looks happy on the surface" and I meant to ask what exactly do you consider the "surface". It was my awkward way of saying that yes, if the surface is facebook, my life does seem like all I do is go on vacation and always have a great time. 3) My original point is that I do share my problems with those close to me, but maybe not the very boring and specific details not with the intention of being controlling or drawing a facade but because it's just plain uninteresting and even I don't really want to talk about it much. 4) I do live in a very happy bubble. I know that many people have problems such as depression, poor social skills and such things (I actually spend an unhealthy amount of time reading about these people but that's besides the point). But admittedly I've never experienced that sort of pain. I have felt sad and had bad periods in my life, but nothing really drastic. My assumption (or rather my hope) is that while there are many of these people, they are in the minority. And like you said, pain is relative so while someone might feel unfulfilled at work, that person might be happy in other areas of their life. Thanks for taking the time to write this answer, honestly :)
My life exactly! I don't mind. I'd rather it be this way than have a wide circle of half-friends. People that don't look deeper kind of weed themselves out of my life, so in the long run, I'm saving time and energy! People that gravitate toward me out in the world seem to be smarter and more curious than your average bear (and bears are very curious.) The only issue I've come across is in the "corporate world" or whatever. Bosses see me as "slow moving" or "not getting anything done" because I don't go to them and wave my accomplishments in their face. I do my work quietly and efficiently. When it's done, it's done. Project complete. Next task, please. I'm not here to beg for recognition, I'm here to get X done and you give me Y dollars. Too bad managers don't care about that. It's who can fellate them the most and pretend like they're actually doing something. Not sure how I come across on the internet. I think (hope) I'm well-received. I tend to get all ramble-y because I'm bad at explaining things succinctly, but I find the written word a much easier form to communicate in, because I can go back and check my stupidity before I unleash it on the world.Most people who meet me think I'm intimidating, unapproachable, apathetic, incapable of emotion or compassion, and just plain socially weird.
It's very rare I meet someone who pays attention long enough to realize I am way much more than that. This is one of the reasons I tend to come across better online than in person.
You and I have a lot in common. Thank you. =) Been looking for work for a while, and so many Craigslist ads say, "must be a people person" or "must play well with others" or "must be a team player" and so on. Which really means: we don't care if you're intelligent, competent, if you get the job done; all we care about is that you always have a smile on your face, always up for small talk, and always have fun at our get togethers. Meanwhile, the quiet, hard working person gets looked at weirdly, and treated like they don't know how to do their job, what's wrong with that person? Never mind they're more competent, more driven, get more done, all the while asking for no recognition, no praise, a job well done is their reward. This society sucks sometimes.