My wife is a dermatologist and as such, skin is her livelihood and I hear about it a lot. Your skin is your largest organ, it's also your fastest growing. Skin protects our innards, it insulates us from all sorts of external buggery.
Skin also tends to be the first thing many people see or recognize in someone else. That person is brown, black, pale, white, yellow, purple --quick, does anyone know CPR?
I have never had a hard time with the color of my skin, (edit: that's a lie, I can elaborate in comments) but I think it can make other people feel uncomfortable at times. My last name is Clausnitzer and I'm pretty brown. Naturally, this raises some eyebrows, which is fine but what's annoying is the inevitable, "so, where are you from" question. When I say, "Michigan," it's not the answer they're looking for. They want to hear "Saudi Arabia" or some other brown, scary place. Saying that my father and mother are both second generation American citizens whose parents are German and Mexican isn't what they want to hear either, it's too complex. They want the Mexican part. How did a brown guy like you get a German name? Adopted?
Anyways, I want to hear about you. Are you comfortable in your skin? Even if you are as white as Christmas, there are times when we don't feel like we belong. Perhaps it's a gender identification thing, a ginger thing, a curly hair when I want straight hair thing, a black in a white town thing or a white in a black town thing...
When have you felt the most comfortable? When the least?
I thank you in advance for your answers:
lil and eightbitsamurai coffeesp00ns -I'd love to hear your take on this.
Full disclosure, I am considering a podcast on this topic. steve
I was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed white boy that can also claim a Jewish grandmother and right-of-return in Israel. One set of grandparents were kicked out of Harvard and Radcliffe respectively; the other set were kicked out of dirt farming Bastrop County TX by the Dust Bowl. One grandmother was a head librarian at a university, the other a telephone operator. One grandfather was a union plumber, the other a regional president of the AFL. In the company town I grew up in, all the sons of white privilege had their toilets cleaned by the brown people down the hill; one set of grandparents chummed around with the president of the "company" while the other set lived amongst the proles. My parents spent a combined 14 years in South America for the Peace Corps while I hung around all the hispanic and native american kids. I'm as white as white can be and have lived all my life on the boundary between WASP and minority. I can play every privilege card and have seen every minority card played. Through one bloodline I traced my lineage far enough to know that my ancestors were routinely hung for stealing the horses of one of my friend's ancestors in Ireland; through another I have great-great-grandfather Mordechai Horowitz who gave up his jewelry store in Moscow for a greengrocer's stand in New York ahead of the Russo-Japanese war. I'm white. I have it easy. But I've spent my life amongst those who don't so I know just how easy I have it. If I can't be comfortable in my skin nobody can. It's fashionable these days for privileged white kids to piss and moan about how rough they have it but the fact remains: white kids get the benefit of the doubt in all things at all times. I feel like we owe it to the world to be aware of it and to do everything we can to extend the same courtesy to everyone we meet.
THOUGHTS HAD: I wasn't very conscious of my skin (color) until I was a Junior in High School. I don't know what the exact switch that flipped on was, but you suddenly become aware of these things. How I was one out of seven Black kids that finished the IB program. I think it started when I was going door to door selling cookies for our Cancer Fundraiser with a couple of friends. One friend and I got separated from the rest of the group, and a cop car pulled up next to us. The officer asked my friend for his name. He gave it. Cop turned to me next. "What's your name?" 8bit. "Where are you from?" I live in the apartment complex a few blocks away. "No, I mean where are you really from?" ...Aurora? "No, I mean where are you really from." Oh. Sudan, I guess. Kinda. "And you go to [Highschool]?" Yeah. "So if I talked to the officer that's on duty there, she would know you?" No, sir, I don't think she would. I'm not much of a troublemaker. "I see. Well, we got a call that someone was scared you guys were casing houses, but that doesn't seem to be case." What's "casing"? "...Don't worry about it." And then he drove off. It didn't really resonate with me what had just happened until I told my family what had happened, and they voiced what I hadn't realized. I just didn't really consider the cop asking me these questions because he was a racist fuck as being a possibility. That, and Senior year, when I got a few instances of, "but you're not Black, 8bit!" That's when I realized that people were passing judgements about who I should be because of my voice and attitude and skin. Which is funny, because, like, nobody told me that shit was gonna happen! I did not get the memo. You like computers and you're a White dude, you like Hip-Hop and you're a Black dude. Bonus points if you're louder than most people - the "Will Smith" archetype, as I like to call it. But what happens if you like building a PC while bumpin Flatbush Zombies in the speakers behind you? I think that means you're a person, who has multiple hobbies that aren't tied to a particular racial characteristic. But, you know - memo missed. It is weird to be told that you're too Black to be White, but too White to be Black. It is weird when a girl tells you that their father would not pay for a wedding if she married a Black guy. It is also weird when a girl slithers up to you and tells you she's never been with a Black guy before. I'm either demonized, or a fucking Xbox Achievement. It's weird when the girl in your University that has 643 African Americans out of 29,772 students says that she wanted to be a teacher, until she interned at an inner city school in Chicago. It "wasn't what she was expecting." It's weird to see a girl - presumably an educated person, as she is in a university - say the words "racism isn't a thing anymore, we have a Black President" in that fucking order and not laugh at herself. It's especially weird to be asked if you got into your school on Affirmative Action. I suppose it's possible, considering I'm a part of 2.3% of my school, but shit, man, that IB diploma has to mean something, right? (It doesn't, I don't even know where it is right now.) And all of this is even weirder when I'm told I "make everything about race." Well you fuckers started it first! I'm just carrying your shitty, gentrified torch until it burns out. Please burn out quickly. Am I comfortable in my own skin? Yes, absolutely. For all the bitching I do, I would not trade the experiences I've had for anything. I would not be as thoughtful and introspective and critical as I am if they didn't happen. Are others comfortable with my skin? Huh. What a question.
OH, ALSO. ALSO. EVEN HIP-HOP IS BEING BUILT AND TARGETED AT WHITE PEOPLE NOW. FUCK, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING. Edit: And like, I know I was talking about how hobbies don't have to be tied to racial characteristics, but hiphop is so entrenched in Black culture so when you try to get me to hear "this new rapper Macklemore he's pretty good, almost as good as Eminem, the greatest rapper of all time" you're 70% of the time a racist asshole that refuses to listen to any hiphop made by Black people because it only has "sex, money, drugs" in its material (thanks for the quote fodder, crappy roommate) Click the top all time results here for a bit more understanding. And I can talk about this LITERALLY forever so if you have questions just ask. I've got aaaaall day.
Flippant, not correct comment: Didn't that start way back in the mid-2000s with Asher Roth? He's the first memory of a rapper I have where my friends moms were okay with the music. I wouldn't be so quick to attribute to being a racist though, most of the people I've seen that talk about Macklemore or similar artists just don't care that much about music and like him because he's easy to digest, and they didn't have to work to find his music. It's the surface, lowest common denominator artist at the moment.
True enough. Born out of ignorance than anything else. And yeah, it kinda did. Asher, Eminem. The Beastie Boys, if you go back far enough. Vanilla Ice. But Eminem got Dre's stamp of approval in 1999, so he's a little earlier than Asher. My favorite, though, is MC Paul B. Got quoted as making "the whitest EP ever made" by NYT.
Man, I used to be this guy (except I did listen to black people playing music I LIKED Bad Brains, Fishbone, etc ), and it's painful to look back at it. When I moved to Flint, my roommates set me straight. They gave me Wu-Tang, then Pharacyde, Chali 2na, Hieroglyphics, KRS-ONE (OMG). They made me listen like they'd quiz me about the stuff. When I actually listened to the music and moved beyond my dumb stupid enclosed stereotype I fell in love. I just bought a mid-sized sedan and the first thing I did was blast Blackalicious. Anyway, hiphop helped reflect a mirror on me that I wasn't expecting at the time. I'm really glad I moved past that, I hope your roommate does too.you're 70% of the time a racist asshole that refuses to listen to any hiphop made by Black people because it only has "sex, money, drugs" in its material (thanks for the quote fodder, crappy roommate)
I love that subreddit. It's funny how much music choice is tied to subconscious racism, if "funny" is the right word. Creepy, maybe. How when a White guy raps about death and sex, he's exempt from the Puritanism they then apply to Black rappers. 70% of the time?
Okay, on the IB and race. In my school the IB is free. COMPLETELY. Books, computers, calculators... ANYONE can - if they have the motivation complete it. My class is the class that knows the most languages. In my class we have several who live in the "bad part of town". We have several people who are either first or second generation immigrants.
What I'm trying to say is that without tons of things keeping people out race is less of an issue I guess.
And also that I feel really weird saying all of this 'cause I'm white enough that it is hard for me to find foundation in SWEDEN which is basically impossible.
Haha, I almost use that. I use the whitest one I can find because I have no brown pigment in my skin, so If I put anything brown on it it looks like some kind of slightly racist brownface. So now I look like a ghost instead. More seriously, I'm like an open book (note, I have had very intelligent Swedish people that I trust tell me that I can be VERY hard to read, but that is more because I have a constant resting-bitchface and my natural expression is 'slight anger'. [By the way, a resting bitchface is the best thing ever. If you never smile people treat your smiles like catnip. I am not kidding. I have gotten out of so many situations by just smiling at people. Not dishonestly, just by smiling at them and showing emotions ] eh, where was I...) because of my skin. If I get embarrassed the world WILL know. Even if i spend the whole summer in Sweden my cheeks are a slight red from March to October.
Like fees, administration, tests... (In Sweden if a student has good enough grades the school must admit them. I think admission is blind but I'm not sure)
Yes it is, but when you are given enough support (E.g free books, free meals, free other meal of the day if the school day is long enough, an house that is open from 7-7 to sit in and study, free bus rides around the town, a school that lets you use it's houses to have a party...) That can be negated.
It doesn't. At all. But is does make it so much better. What I mean is that when everyone's footing is more equal it doesn't negatively impact performance.
I'm thinking that it might help more that Sweden doesn't appear to have as much of a history of, ynno, systematic oppression and hate. That might help a bit. Aren't most minorities in Sweden recent immigrants? I remember you talking about some far-right immigrant hating going on over there.
We do. You know those schools where Americans put Indians? We had those for Sami people. We used to sterilize people. Like, nazi Germany thought we were cool. In fact Sweden has a history of immigration and discrimination. A long one. Remember the Vikings? In the 800s? They discovered America, and they raped and pillaged. That is not a figure of speech by the way. They would steal women and children from France and England and hold them as slaves. Trälar, Thralls. They lived in horrid conditions. In fact, I think that the opposite of what you say is true. A country WITH a history of immigration is better at dealing with it.
No, we had an institute for racial biology in the 1930, not everyone in Sweden could vote until in the 1960. It is quite recent. There is still systematic oppression of Roma people. I could go on. For fucks sake someone burned a mosque in my school town this Christmas and I have facebook friends who celebrated. And this is not recent. Sweden was VERY racist in the 1930's.
No, I do agree that racism was present, but the level of oppression in slavery and then segregation is something that didn't exist in Sweden. Almost every Western country had dabbling in eugenics when that fad went around, but (as far as I know) nowhere produced as much hate as America.
Well, no. I mean, Germany? That's Europe, not America.
Yes, but you can hardly say the US is more extreme than that.
Okay. I'm going to be mean now. Don't take it personally. You're being really annoying in a way Americans often are that I can't stand. You are taking the most dramatic moments of American history and calling that the rule, and when I bring up moments from European history you are calling it the exception. And no, it's really really not. Sweden played a part in the slave trade and owned colonies (kind of) in America before America became America. America is a REALLY young country. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swedish_colonization_of_the_Americas
I don't think so, it just adds another chain of cements. guess it depends a lot on how and when and in what conversation it is though.
Fun fact! My school does ridiculously well compared to other IB schools. Like in the Cambridge guide of excellence well. Which makes me all the madder when people talk about private schools like a good thing. AND my school is an "artists school", We have all the fun courses like dance and music at my school. And the IB. I love my school a lot by the way. It is wonderful.
I grew up fatter than a foie gras goose and then, after a moment in apogee, dropped eight and a half stone and mostly kept it off. The trouble with transforming the exterior, though, is that like caverns measureless to man eroded by millennia of the subterranean flow of youthful experience, the interior has already been carved out. The disconnection between the exterior world's reaction to one's own exterior and one's interior reciprocation from within a body that is no longer familiar makes for a more frustrating experience, as one has never developed the instinctual tools to respond naturally. I guess in answer to the questions, in short, never and never.
The invisible are undesirable and undesired, so opportunities to develop interpersonal skills beyond the amicable or amusing are rare to none. Following a physical transformation, one becomes visible, and unexpectedly desired; but having never learned that language one is still a deaf mute in the body of a songbird.
Hm. Am I comfortable in my own skin? No. When I go to the bathroom i avoid looking in the mirror, because when I look in the mirror I hate what i see. No, I am not exaggerating when i say that - That is what life is like with Gender Dysphoria. When have I felt most comfortable? When I play my instrument. When I am playing, my body disappears and I am, if you want to get spiritual about it (and I usually don't), transcendent. It's a great feeling to be more than myself, or part of something more than myself, especially when i occasionally feel anchored to my own body. On the outside, I am a 5'10", 280 lb quasi-muscular dude with a growing mass of jew-fro level curly hair (though the hair is improving as I take better care of it). I am not a particularly feminine looking person. In that way, for my life, puberty wasn't kind to me. On the inside I look like this. That's Lady Feral. She's ex-military, and transitioned when she was 29 or so, and is a Blacksmith for a living. She gives me hope that I can transition into something resembling what I feel like inside, which is probably closer to this. When am I most uncomfortable? Well, storytime. When I hadn't come to terms with who I am, I grew a giant beard. I grew a Yeard, in fact - No shave, no trim, for 365 days and then some. I looked homeless, and my lack of self-care didn't help the look either. Later, as a second beard was developing out of two weeks worth of not shaving, I noticed that I hadn't looked in the mirror in about two weeks, and that I had looked in the mirror maybe once a month the entire time I had the yeard. I realized that I wasn't not looking in the mirror because i was distracted - I was avoiding it because I hated what I saw there. Head down, look into the sink, look at the hands you're washing, turn around, leave bathroom. That moment when I had that realization is when I felt the most uncomfortable I ever have in my own skin. Some lesbians will have a "beard", a boyfriend to throw off conservative parents or other judging onlookers. I had a literal beard to try to fool myself. So now I make myself look in the mirror, and try to practice some self-love instead of some self-hate. Sometimes I even see some girl poke out and I can smile about it.
Y'all seem to interpret the question way differently from what I think of when I hear it. There's being comfortable with your skin, which I see as almost entirely separate from being comfortable in your skin (Which may have nothing to do with skin at all). I grew up as a child of the internet, spent many of my days interacting with people on forums, in games, via IM, and through IRC. As such, "talking to people" meant the same thing as typing to them at odd hours of the night. School and family were, to an extent, a distraction from this other world and during The Formative Years I lost somewhat of my ability to straight up talk to people, like openly, with proper communication, and all that jazz. So when I hear: "are you comfortable in your own skin?", I'm reminded of those days when I was happiest as a virtual creature and I avoided the ephemeral world, where my skin no longer did not exist. Because I was by and large not comfortable in my skin in that world, I practically leaked anxiety and discomfort. I didn't know what to do with my hands, with my eyes. My back would curl forward and my legs would tense up. No matter that I was not fat (I was closer to skin and bones, but my concern over this wouldn't arrive for another few years). Nor that I was tall (but not too tall). First and foremost, I did not appreciate the idea that I had skin at all, and was not simply a program, a routine, that could interact with words via words and keep to the depths of the web in peace, not having to think about how long to make eye contact for or how firmly to grasp the skin (or do you grasp muscle? or bone?) when performing the handshake function.
This describes me. Right now it's 01.51 in the morning and I'm dreading having to socially interact with people - even though I'm good at it - or rather I'm skinny and white, short and a redhead so people think I'm cute. Even when I am actively panicking people think I'm cute. People don't DISLIKE me, they just instantly treat me as a manic-pixie-dream-girl without REAL feelings. 'Cause I'm cute. And fun. And younger than everyone.
You know, it took me way to long to realize why people suddenly started being so goddamn nice when I was 13. Not just boys, everyone. Teachers, girls random people I'd never met before. I had been bullied up until then, and people who had treated me like I didn't exist were suddenly looking at me. I freaked out. i had no idea that it wasn't because they hated me until I met new people who hadn't known me before.
That is honestly the thing I love most about the internet, and using text to communicate. You can't see what other people are, you don't know who they are, and nobody knows who you are. All the bullshit that exist in real life that revolves around who you are disappears in an instant, and nobody is able to judge you for anything but what you say. It's also why I hate seeing chat becoming popular in games, I want to keep the world where it's all text, and all... humanless?
There's another element of being comfortable in our skins that has nothing to do with skin -- although the skin issue is important and definitely connected. Imagine a gathering of similarly hued people. Some will be standing comfortably and engaging with the world easily. Others will hunch, stay back, and fear being pointed out. Some people will feel pretty comfortable wherever they go. They encounter strangers without fear. Others will be comfortable only with their family and friends. What's the difference? Some people believe that they have just as much right to breath the air as anyone else and they project this sense of entitlement (to walk, to breathe, to live). If you've been treated as a second class citizen, is it possible to act like a first class citizen? I think, perhaps, over time we grow into our skin. In the on-screen world, where no one knows you're a dog, it's easier to be comfortable with our identity and self-projection. Does that growing sense of self transfer to the non-screen world? Are you comfortable with your own self-projection on the screen where your words are the only skin people see? I'm throwing these questions out there. And everything that kleinbl00 said is bang on. As usual.
Okay, honestly time. I'm pretty. Not in a "I want to live with her the rest of my life" way, but in a "Don't stick your dick in crazy" way. You see, I grew into being pretty. Very suddenly. The same year I was in the US. So when I came back people treated me not as an annoying kid but as... Something exotic. Something that was nice to look at from afar but that you shouldn't touch. It didn't help that I never stopped speaking English. I have heard the phrase "stop speaking English, you're in Sweden" thrown at me.". This is hilarious because I look so white it is ridiculous. And because my Swedish is very good, thank you very much. Also, people treat you as stupid if you are intelligent and pretty. I was the smart kid until I became the pretty one. Like not "oh she is dumb" but more "oh she doesn't know what she is saying". Which, yes, yes I do. On the internet I'm still the smart one. And I'm starting to feel like that in the real world to. So yes.
Yeah, it's very flawed to be all "I don't want my kid to worry about appearance, so I wont talk about it like a positive feature". I mean, people tell me its caring, but really? Isn't there just a tiny bit of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" in there? A tiny, tiny bit that's about thinking that people are "better" if they suffer? I try not to be bitter, I really do.
Nice! Off work early is always a good feeling. I'm about to drive for 3+ hours. Doh!
I'm used to people guessing my ethnic background and it's something I realized I could have fun with early on. For example, when I was 5 I told the neighbor that I was an Eskimo and had lived in an igloo. I guess it led to an embarrassing conversation between her and my parents. Anyway, I guess I am comfortable in my own skin (ethnically/racially) but to get there I first had to discover the power of making other people uncomfortable. These days, I'm not comfortable with the path I've been on and now I'm waiting to see if all those seeds I've been planting will lead to something. Dermatologically, been using lots of moisturizers (face, lotion, feet, hands) and a humidifier, but I still feel dry.
From here on out, you shall be known as Nanook. That's pretty funny man, you were a clever kid. I hope that path you are embarking upon works out for you and that your skin doesn't crack.
That sounds similar with my experience, I suppose someone overtly asking me about my ethnicity is when that cold front strikes. Until then, I'm pretty oblivious to my epidermis.
Taking this quite literally, I would say that I am not sure. When you see me, "arab" is the last thing that might cross your mind. I am white and have curly dirty blond hair. I haven't met anybody who was able to guess my nationality without me telling my whole name, followed by a history class about the israeli/palestinian conflict. In europe, being white has its uses. I never have problems getting into clubs. People don't hesitate to talk to me. I don't get weird looks... I get treated like a white dude. But here is the actual problem. I know that this difference exists. I see how other arabs get treated daily. I see for myself that racism still exists. Sometimes, I wish I had a darker skin tone. Maybe I wouldn't have to explain to everyone that I was born and raised in an arabic city in Israel to an arabic father and a polish mother. People would just assume it. Maybe I would meet other people? Maybe I wouldn't have been robbed by that drug dealer in Montpellier? Maybe I would attract different girls? But the main reason I wish for a darker skin tone is the ability to fight back. I rarely have the chance to witness a friend being treated badly because of his skin color. But what I noticed from their stories is that they usually stay still, duck their heads and move on. I will not do that. I would tell them about human dignity, about equality, about about... everything! Except, this never happens to me, because I am white. Instead, all I keep hearing is: "You are not a typical arab", "you are different than them". I am not, I am an arab, I just didn't get the same color :(
I'm a blue-eyed pretty white guy. Would do well in a 3rd Reich I guess : ). My mother told me I look like son of a miller. Most people nowadays seem to prefer dark, more sunbathed tones of skin, but I don't care. Still being white in a white country (Poland) is not much of a hassle. I can understand how frustrating the disparity between who you feel you are and how you look can be. I have a friend who is Vietnamese and she sometimes has it hard only because she looks different.
I've got thoughts, as 8bit said. I'm trying to parse and put my thoughts into good order.
Im a milky white guy living in a land with only white people. Colour in this situation, be it skin, hair or eyes is never really a topic for discussion because we are all a shade of white from ecru to eggshell. Apart from summer when we turn bright lobster pink with sunburn. I never really think about skin colour at all so in that respect i am comfortable.
Hooray, Michigan buddies : ) Where in Michigan do you live? And at any rate, I've found it very comfortable to be white, male, and (outwardly) straight in America. I can't think of a time where it's been any fault of how I look physically that buggered something up. I fit almost perfectly into the mold of privilege we are all supposed to be fighting against.
I'm a redhead and pale as can be and for various reasons a bit "off". I'm also "off" in a way that many seem to think is very sexual, which is very disturbing to me. The fact that I am a redhead does not help matters. So I'M comfortable with myself, but people constantly assume that I am not or/and that I should not be. On the flip-side, I'm white, short look as girly as can be and have during my time in school so far gotten away with things i shouldn't have gotten away with. Because people kind of assume I'm weaker than I am and could not have possibly done this or that.
How does your 'off'ness present itself to other people?
See the brunette woman in this clip; That's how I act when I'm uncomfortable.
Huh. To be honest the weird camerawork in the interview disturbed me more than her reactions. She just seemed a little intense and focused to me - not off or odd. I guess we can never account for people's interpretation of our exteriors.
Okay, I will get REALLY personal now - She was bullied a lot in school and has made a movie about how she would react if she had been invited to the class reunion, which she wasn't. In that interview what she is saying is basically "I have no self esteem what so ever". She is talking about REALLY disturbing things. She pretended to have/re-enacted her own psychosis to prove how fucked up the mental health system can be and was taken to court. (She lost, but she got a symbolic punishment that she has said wont affect her)
What is disturbing is not how she acts - it is the combination of act and speech. It is a bit, well off. I identify a bit more with her than what is healthy.
Aha, I missed a huge amount due to the language barrier, then.
That is the point, I wanted you to. She is talking about what may be and probably is the worst moments/time of her life. And she just looks focused. The thing is that she is saying/has said that she has moved on, and that if she hadn't she wouldn't have been able to make the movie she made. And I really get that, the whole "well I got through it, but why the fuck did I have to?" The whole getting angry and not sad. Sometimes I do this thing where I'll tell a joke and people start to worry instead of laugh E.g I've had it happen that I say "funny story" say something I honestly thought/think is funny and people react with basically silence and concern. It is a very sweet reaction and I don't mind it - but it is a reminder that people to think I'm slightly crazy.