In relationships. Or in life. Or - or - or -
Single and struggling to figure out if it's something I don't want to be; I've been managing pretty well so far but society really pushes that whole "couple" angle, especially to women. "You can't be happy if you're not in a relationship!"
I don't really care about cuddling but I do like feeling I have someone to rely on/bother. But can't that be friends?
And in life, I work an unfulfilling job in an unfulfilling career that pays my bills and enables me to dabble in my free time. I don't know what I want to do with my life, either. But I don't know if that bothers me. It's supposed to bother me, right?
I'll say this: A good relationship is not additive, it is multiplicative. Whereas the majority of the relationships I was in prior to my wife involved giving and taking, whereby the time I invested paid off in benefits I reaped, the time I've invested in my wife pays off in spades. If it weren't for my wife, I would not have A) Moved to Hollywood B) Bought a motorcycle C) Bought a Kyma D) Had a kid E) Written a novel A decent relationship does one fundamental thing: it increases you. It gives you a larger place of stability from which to strike. It increases your faith in yourself, while also giving you something to fight for. I say all those things that she did for me; I also did some little things for her like "pay for medical school" which, honestly, become afterthoughts. That which you give to a relationship that counts becomes trivial; that which you take from a relationshop that counts becomes magical. I'll say this also: You can be happy if you're not in a relationship. I'll even go one further: You will not have a happy relationship if you are not happy first. This is a classic mistake made by, well, everyone: "I'm unhappy and lonely. I need to find someone to be with." Thing of it is, if you're looking for someone else to make you happy and not lonely, you will FAIL. Until you have more of you than you can really use up on your own, you have no goddamn business expecting someone else to fill you up. Finally, I'll say this: Every career I've ever had started life as a hobby. I've had an epic string of bad-ass jobs, and it's primarily through ensuring that my reach was further than my grasp. You will always have more fun, you will always impress more people, you will always learn more, and you will always make a greater mark on the world if you almost succeed at something noteworthy than if you hit something safe out of the park. Nobody gives a shit for bunters. You ever seen Tin Cup? Probably not. Not a lot of reason to watch golf movies. Lemme just say that I don't play golf, and I love that movie. Put it this way - anything with Kevin Costner, Renee Russo, Don Johnson and Cheech Marin can't be all bad, right? The reason I bring it up is the last line is something I really take to heart. I won't spoil it for you. And I won't give you further advice, other than to say that until your life is complete, you will never have a complete relationship... and that no one should go through life without feeling complete. Follow your bliss, damn the torpedoes, 2nd star on the right and on 'til morning, bring me that horizon. "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." - Red, The Shawshank Redemption
You will not have a happy relationship if you are not happy first. [...] until your life is complete, you will never have a complete relationship
Kleinbl00 hitting the nail on the head, folks.
This is why I love you, kleinbl00. Thanks for your insight. I think I've been much got the "happy-on-my-own" thing down - at least, I'm feeling pretty content and I'm not actively searching to be in a relationship. I've recently turned an offer of that down, actually. Ecstatic, overjoyed, nah. Maybe some days. But hey, why not shoot for it?
There is a person I want, who isn't good for me, and who I don't think I'll have (bc a combination of factors). But I refuse to settle. If I can't have him, I won't have nobody. So for now, I won't have nobody. But I'm using the time to have me, and all of me, the way I want me. I think this is better. Even if I may be turning down things. I trust if gold really were to show up I wouldn't be able to turn it down, but until that happens, I'm giving everyone a pass.
I've had a badge burning a hole in my pocket, thanks kb
Sage wisdom. A relationship won't make you happy if your sad or feel your life is missing something, but a relationship when you're already happy can make one even happier and life more fufilling. This is a HUGE one in my book for common mistakes, especially with younger people. They think a relationship is what they need to be happy or enjoy life, when I simply dont agree that is the case. You have to be good being alone, before you can be great with someone else.You will not have a happy relationship if you are not happy first.
Every night while I'm lying in bed, instead of filling my mind with coked-out naked supermodels desperate to satisfy my every desire, all that ever comes up is me sitting at a table in a bookstore. Maybe there's a microphone there or something. Everyone is really excited! And there's a line of coked-out supermodels stretching all the way out the door and around the block, and they're all holding my book! It's got my name on it and everything. A cool cover. They all want me to sign it. After the book signing I head over to the set of the Today Show, where a coked-out and naked Savannah Guthrie is interviewing me. She asks where I get my ideas. She mentions that I'm at the top of the Times Bestseller List for the fiftieth week in a row. She laughs a lot. Then I fly home on my private jet made of money to work on my second novel. That's all I want out of life guys.
Alright. Serious answer. I want a job that challenges me every day. One where I will never be able stop learning and growing and developing new skills. I want a mentor to teach me and to be surrounded by capable and creative people that I can bounce ideas off of. I don't want to live in a bubble. I want people to tell me straight up when my shit is ugly and doesn't work. I want to the job and the people and clients around me to push my creative boundaries to create superior work. I do not want a job that forces me to deal with office politics or write reports to management. I want to do the work and move onto the next project. Planning, yes. Bullshit busy work reports, no. I think that data and improving workflow is important but writing a 3 page essay that no one reads or analyzes is bullshit. I want to be able to say the word bullshit at work without getting written up. I want a relationship where my partner supports me but we live individual and separate lives and we are both okay with that. I want to fuck and cuddle and fuck some more and be able to have alone time. I want someone who is as ambitious or more ambitious as me and will never let me slip back into a lazy or drug fueled lifestyle. I want someone who I respect and adore and love and can give them exactly what they need. I want someone I love for who they are not for what they could be if they tried. I want someone who loves me for me and doesn't try to change my personality. They can push me to be better but I like being loud and abrasive and drunk sometimes. And I think that is okay. I want someone that can be loud and abrasive and drunk with me. Even if it's noon on a Sunday.
You seem to have very defined ideas of what you want in a job, and I envy that. I seem to mostly learn what I don't want by doing it and then disliking it. Is that how you've formed these standards, or do you just know what you need in order to survive/thrive in a workspace? Yes. It's important to have someone you can drink with if that's what you like to do. One of my favorite drunken Tweets was, "Sometimes I just want someone I want delete my tweets with tomorrow." The idea behind it being that I like to get drunk and then text stupid embarrassing things to Twitter and then the next morning delete them all while in bed recovering. I want someone I can go out and have a fun time with and then review and feel just a tiny bit chagrined about with the next morning.
Yes, it basically all comes from what I don't want to do and then just rephrased to be more positive. Take my desire for a mentor or creative coworkers. I work upstairs in the tech department even though I'm doing video editing, graphic design, web design, frontend coding. Why am I surrounded by soldering irons and audio chips and broken batteries and engineers? Because management doesn't know what they do either so they hide us all away up here. No one knows what I do. I take care of every department (web, marketing, production, tech, sales) but they don't understand the skills I have. They just know I'll get it done. The problem is getting it done doesn't help me grow or get better. I can deliver an ugly ass powerpoint or a gorgeous one and they won't know the difference. It makes it hard to deliver something worthwhile when you don't have any expectation or feedback. I know when things don't work, but don't know how to fix them. Sometime's I'll disappear for an hour and go grab drinks with some old shithead friends of mine in order to have some sort of brainstorming atmosphere for whatever task is at hand. When drinking with unemployed drunks at noon in a dive bar is a better creative atmosphere than your office, that's a problem. So yeah. That's pretty much how I get my desires. As for the deleting drunk tweets. My goodness, I know that feeling all too well. I have a video still floating around of me freshman year of college, drunk, just talking about my cool lighter. I'm massively drunkenly adorable but still. That slight shame that you feel after a drunken night is natural. If it happens too much or your sober self esteem starts being affected then maybe it's time to take a closer look. But being goofy or saying silly stupid things is fun and it's real. I totally get the desire to have someone share that with you. Your SO should be experiencing that same shame with you, not looking at you from the outside. I like that a lot.
I was going to reply to your original comment since I feel much the same way, but this statement here is particularly helpful. I often feel lost, like I'm spinning without direction and find myself unsure what I want out of life. At those time it's much easier for me to identify what I don't want, than what I do. From there I can narrow things down a bit. This takes some time however, as it requires thinking, reflection and experimentation but a path, or at least a direction, usually surfaces.Yes, it basically all comes from what I don't want to do and then just rephrased to be more positive.
You just have to restructure your thinking to be optimistic and happy. People like that shit. I would bitch and moan all day if I could but it's much more fun to pretend you have your shit together, have everything under control and all is fine and dandy. Plus sometimes it tricks yourself into thinking you actually do have your shit together when you're really flailing.
This reminds me of the maxim "The best way to be happy is to simply decide to be happy" While initially this was confusing and nonsensical to me I've found it to be more or less true. Perspective plays a large role in how we approach and feel about things.
Currently in the process of breaking up. I'm excited to be single and independent and do what I want, when I want it and not look for his approval. Also, boys are icky. I'll cuddle with you.
Thanks love. It's been such a roller coaster lately that I've got all the self-pity and sadness out of my system. I'm really happy right now.
Uh-oh! Insom's about to take over the world! I'm happy that you're happy pal. I've always found that the times after a breakup are some of my most memorable of my life. When I've been the one doing the breaking, they're positive memories of rebirth and extreme productivity. When I'm the one that got broke....well, it's far less productive and the rebirth is long and painful. To _refugee_, they always say love finds you when you're not looking, right? I will say that having a partner to share my life with is pretty kick-ass. Also, having a child is the best decision I've ever made. But then, I'm in my mid 30's. you have plenty of time for such things if that's what you want. Just keep writing.
I don't know if I'm looking for love! Ha. This thread has taken interesting turns but one of them is that some people have interpreted this as me going "I'm searching for a relationship!" The truth is much more, "I don't know if I even want a relationship or if I just feel like society is telling me I have to be in one to be 'complete.' " I have been casually dating some people and one asked me to commit and I basically ran away - not that that is a bad thing! Maybe a committment is way more than I want or need right now. (Yes, a committment is way more than I want or need right now.) But that leaves me with the question, then what do I want? Do I want to be in a casual, committment-free 'arrangement' (as I've also gotten an offer for)? I don't think I really care as long as whoever I am interacting with is not making me feel like crap. I feel like my main priority in interpersonal relationships right now is just making sure that I feel like I'm treated ok, and if I run into a guy/get entangled with a guy that doesn't, making sure I get out of the situation and not putting myself through that kind of damage, not letting anyone treat me in a way that leaves me feeling bad, or even pathetic or unwanted. I'm pretty good at dropping people when I start feeling like the interaction is unequal. I guess I'm wondering if there is some middle space between 'a relationship' and 'fuck buddies' that is inhabitable, and if that is what I want. I'm not sure. I think I'm ok with the arrangement but I find myself asking, is just being ok with it enough? And this goes into the career too. I'm okay with my job. But shouldn't I be driving towards a passion? Your comment about writing hits the nail closest on the head in terms of "good applicable advice" because writing is my primary passion right now. (Well, I've also decided I want a sixpack, so I guess I have to add working out to my passions.) And I think if I want to end up where I want in life, doing something remotely resembling my passions, I just need to keep writing and follow it where it leads me. I guess part of my original question was really "I don't think I want to be in a relationship, is that wrong?" because I think a lot of society/movies/whatever say that the relationship is utmost. Hell I know six couples getting married this year - shit, no, seven - two are my first two boyfriends, one is my "signficiant-bombed-that-relationship-broke-my-heart" supernova, etc. So people I have been very close to are getting married and I'm like "Ugh, I don't want that," but seeing it happen makes me feel like, "Hey, aren't I supposed to?" (Seeing all these marriages is why I decided to get a six pack. They are getting married. I want to look and feel amazing.) So anyway I guess there's more detail on where I'm coming from. I make myself a priority already, I think maybe I just need to keep doing it. or do it more so.
I'm disappointed that I have a job and class this time around. I have the strongest desire to take off to somewhere exotic for 3 months again.
Detroit is pretty exotic this time of year.... Or better yet, Dutham and we can get mk, b_b and / out too.
I think I'm going to Detroit in December. b_b said it's really nice and sunny that time of year? I'm going to rock my bikini on the waterfront so hard. Durham for sure in early February (before baby) and then mid/late spring (after baby). We'll plan way ahead and ensure that mk and b_b and forwardslash can all come. Also, now we're talking way future, but the truck my brother has in Durham needs to come back to LA after he finishes his senior year and before he gets drafted. So I way thinking of doing a road trip and pick a fun route filled with Hubskiers.
If you don't know what you want, all it means is that you're in a research phase of your life until you find something that makes you tick. Or maybe you already have something that makes you tick but you haven't been paying attention to it. There must be something that makes time fly by for you. An interest or a hobby? Now whether you can turn that into paid work is another matter. Personally all I seek is truthful, open minded, non-judgemental relationships... and a plot of land where I can grow my orchard and veggies : )
Depends on how you feel about it. It's not something other people can define for you. If you're at peace with it then it is ok. Bertrand Russell's essay, In Praise of Idleness is a good read and may help. There's also a quote I found quite enlightening at the time regarding the expectations we have about life. Add to this the family and the kids, the money for holidays, car repairs, etc. you are finally trapped in the vicious circle “created by yourself”, with your oh so many problems, so you find neither time nor inclination to check whether what you happen to be doing is what you actually want to do. And then some time you discover that you are not at all happy with what you created in the outer world and that today you would go about it differently but that now it is too late. [...] In addition you might feel inadequate to deal with all the problems and you look for refuge in drugs and alcohol. Once you have reached that point, the race of this life is all but over anyway. Yet some still make it. [...] it's never too late. ~ page 333-4, Secret Societies and Their Power in the 20th Century, 1995 by Jan van HelsingI guess part of my question is, is this holding pattern 'okay'? Or is it statis?
The mass media [...] is drumming into you that in order to be a good citizen you have to have a great car, your own house, a family, a career, designer clothes, etc. After seeing this picture of the perfect “member of society” for decades on TV and in print your subconscious has absorbed the information and now you are convinced that you really need all these things (the same of course goes for attitudes and fashions). To get all this you have to really work hard. But you cannot work fast enough. You want these things now. So you buy on credit and with installment plans and slowly but surely you are caught in the net that has been laid out for you so perfectly, and obligations and debts will tie you up for decades.
For me, this is an odd question to answer. Everything I wanted 10 years ago, I have. I got a good career doing something I love that pays plenty, bought a nice house in a good neighborhood I love, have plenty of rewarding hobbies to keep me occupied, and as for relationships, I'm getting married next Saturday to a woman that I love and have a ton of fun with. So now that I have all that, "everything I ever wanted", I'm left asking myself "What's next?" I'm not the type of person to just settle and do the same thing for the rest of my life, and I'm always trying to get to that next step, and for the first time in my life I have no concrete ideas as to what that next step is, and it scares me a bit. My main thing, is I would love to start a business that can support me and my soon-to-be family, and not have to work for someone else the rest of my life. Other than that goal, and a handful of web domains in various stages of development, I'm not really sure what I intend to do. For the first time in my life I don't really have any clear goals, and can't answer the "what's next" question. So, even if you get everything you want, if you're like me, you'll still be looking for that "what's next". So don't worry about the destinations or the finish lines, enjoy the journey, enjoy the race.
I'm getting married next Saturday to a woman that I love and have a ton of fun with.
Awesome! Enjoy the day and congrats. I remember you mentioning the engagement.
Thanks! We got engaged last November, October 5th is the big day. Looking forward to it. :) Though I've realized something funny about leading up to the date. The media always focuses on people getting cold feet and having second thoughts or getting nervous about that. I couldn't give any less shit about getting married, as in the legal sense, we're both totally okay with that. But man am I tired and stressing over the planning of the event itself. I just want it to be over.
That is a pretty common theme regarding marriage. I was the same way, I wasn't concerned with whether or not I wanted to get married but I sure as hell was tired of planning it and having my entire world revolve around one day and night. My favorite moments were when we actually got married and at the hotel that night. -Not for the reasons you may think, though that was in there too, but really just to be alone as husband and wife for the first time, that was cool. Plus Michael Stipe from REM was staying there and I got to meet him in an elevator. I figured that was a good sign. I'm sure everyone has already told you this, but the best advice is to take moments alone and be present. Also, many times it seems people have to spend too much time talking with people they rarely see or will rarely see again, don't do that. Spend your time with the people that are the most important to you and will be for many years to come. Have fun!
Congratulations on the wedding! I saw in your lower comments you've found planning it very stressful. YES. IF I ever got married and that's a big if, I'd want to have the most casual wedding ever. I think the industry screws you over on stuff a bit. As a kid I never had a defined dream of "the perfect wedding" and I'm certainly no fairy-tale princess or into that kind of stuff, so luckily I can dodge all of that "fulfilling childhood fantasties" sort of stuff. I think part of my problem is I tend to temper what I want with what is practical. Is that a problem? I dont know, sometimes I think it artifically limits myself. I mean, I'm quite young now, starting a business or whatever just isn't in the cards - don't have the capital, don't have the experience, etc. I want to work more with my hands. I want to actually create things. I'd love to go into baking, for instance, but don't have the experience or training. How can I get it besides either going for a culinary degree or getting hired in a kitchen? How can I get hired in a kitchen without experience? OR, a bartender. I think I'd straight love to be a bartender. But in my state you're not getting hired as a bartender unless you have server experience, and I don't have that. How can I get it? I already have a full time job. I'd have to get a part time job working only past 5 and on weekends, which I guess might be viable...I don't know. I feel like if I were a bartender and good enough I could eventually quit my 'real' job if I wanted and just live off the bartender salary. I think I'd enjoy the hell out of it... ...but mostly, it just feels like a dream. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I really appreciate your input. I used to think the destination was more important than the journey, but now, I don't. Good luck with everything! I'm excited for you.
Starting to bake is easy. Just buy a recipe book and some flour and get to it. Watch YouTube if you're not getting a good result; go on message boards on allrecipes.com or something. There is no reason to take a culinary degree to learn to bake. Just do. You'll have a lot of fun learning at home, and probably make a lot of really good stuff.
Fair enough. I'm a pretty huge fan of tropical locales, especially ones that are not too messed around with in terms of development. If you ever get tired of Hawai'i, I suggest you check out the growing eco-tourism in SE Asia. Thailand was mentioned, but Malaysia, Indonesia and the Philippines all have some pretty sweet environs as well. Every time I find a "most beautiful place on Earth" I find another one. I like it that way.
I want to quit my job and become a bank robber... in Norway... because they have REALLY nice prisons. But really I have no idea what I want. Every time I get what I want I forget that I had ever wanted it in the first place and still continue to look for something else. Nothing is ever "good enough". I'm not comfortable without constant change, which is to say I'm never actually comfortable with anything. I want to not think the way I think.
Nothing's ever supposed to bother you. You are bothered by something or not, and it seems like you're not bothered by not knowing what to do with your life. It's okay to be comfortable in the present, even though society expects you to always aim for a better version of yourself. The question is not 'should I do more with my life', it's 'am I happy now?' To be happy for me means to be happy with who I am and who I was. I often ask myself: if I were to drop dead on the floor right now, would I be content with who I was up until that moment? If the answer is 'no' too many days, I know I need to change something important. For me, I'm very happy who I am right now, I just don't know if my education will lead me to a life that I like. Whatever that life may be. I'm in constant doubt and it is wearing me out. An unfulfilling career is such a terrifying thought to me. To spend hours upon hours a week on something I don't like? This video changed my outlook on the time I still have left. It's valuable and I am scared of wasting it.It's supposed to bother me, right?
I want a job and access to travel and experience. I want a job that provides me with enough money to build a life around. I want these things so that I can continue writing, which I feel helps me function as a person. As far as romantic relationships go, I don't know, but that doesn't bother me.
Travel is at the top of my list. However, as selfish as I know this is, I hate speaking about my plans with other people. The topic is almost a sacred one. Weird?
Yes, I think that's weird, but I'm just some dude. I like talking about travel plans as people may have traveled to the area I plan to go on any given trip and can offer more reliable recommendations. I really don't care for guidebooks and honestly, I think they can ruin places. Plus, the "writers" they employ are on tight or no budget and tend not to get things right unless it's a heavily traveled destination already. On the other hand, talking about travel plans with people who don't travel is a drag. You know, the kind of people who only eat McDonald's because they are afraid of intestinal parasites. McDonald's is good for clean bathrooms and occasionally as a source of hashbrowns, not as a meal plan for traveling. Anyway, whatever works for you.
A dear friend of mine who often takes things far too seriously told me it was of utmost importance I determine "what I want" out of dating/relationships because otherwise "it wasn't fair." I pointed out that I didn't think dating was fair in the first place. I don't think it really can be. Moreover, I don't think 'fair' is necessarily the best choice in all cases. He then proceeded to tell me I needed to take an "honest inventory" of myself to determine what my flaws and strengths were, and this would somehow tell me what I would want in a relationship. (I asked him if this was a 12-step program and that he knew I didn't believe in God. I was feeling witty.) Anyway, that's part of what brought this all up. Don't know what I want from 'romance.' What I've been doing hasn't really been bothering me though so I figured I'd just keep it up. -- aka, casual dating with no real end or commitment in sight. Gets messy sometimes though. Am going to draw back from some of it to get more me time, hopefully. Oh, and less drinking.
I think it's easy to speak in generalities of what we want. For example, "I want to find a good woman to marry" is a really, really broad statement that is easily true. If I had to answer specifically, well then that would change day to day while falling within a general range. I don't know that I would trust someone who was incredibly specific in what they wanted. I mean, not to bag on anyone with disabilities, but I know an autistic guy who is incredibly specific about how he needs things to be and he's often upset because things don't go his way. I understand that my analogy is pretty sloppy, but my brain is pudding right now. In short, this stuff is messy. Like you, I'm taking some "me" time, since it often seems that when I get the ball rolling, it turns into an avalanche.
I don't even know as I want to find a good man to marry! Ha. For me marriage isn't a priority. I don't even really view it as a viable option, certainly not at this point in my life. I don't even know if it's something I want - maybe eventually - not what I want now, though, by god. It's like I don't know what I want, more like I know what I vehemently don't want.