When I was college-age, so not that much younger, I developed a real problem with making myself do scary things. Maybe I'd always been bad at it, but around college I figured I could just not show up to things and mostly, it wouldn't really have an impact. (I think there is also less impact in college to saying you'll be at a party and then not showing. Post-college, a) the parties aren't so huge no one will notice and b) people who are trying to make friends feel rejected, etc.)
When I was 20 I was subpoenaed as a witness because of a shooting which occurred in my neighborhood. I was not happy about it, because a) court seemed scary and b) I didn't actually witness the event.
But it was a subpoena and if you ignore one of those, they can hold you in contempt of court and/or issue a bench warrant, which I really wasn't interested in.
I left for court determined I would make it. Convinced I had to make it or else I'd probably have shitty legal consequences.
I drove by the courthouse, missed the turn for the parking garage, tried to circle back, got lost, tried to circle back again, drove past the courthouse again, all the while watching the clock and fretting about time. (Especially at that age I was one of those people who skipped things rather than appear even a minute late. Class, for example, was a big one for that. I have come to learn that generally, especially with stuff like court (thanks jury duty), there's ALWAYS people arriving late/not knowing where to go/etc and really, you should go. Especially if you're only late by a minute or two. Anyway, I digress.)
The clock ticked on. I became more and more flustered. Finally, it got to be that time where I knew I wouldn't be at the courthouse at 8:30 as I needed to be, and I was probably near tears. I was so pissed by the whole affair. I said "Fuck it" and turned around and drove back home. That's right, I ignored a subpoena.
(It actually turned out all right.)
I guess this is a bad example because it was a very intimidating thing for me and I did actually make an effort to follow through with it. However, I also believe that I could've tried harder and I could've made it to the court that day - I was just so scared, anxious, intimidated, and flustered I let my emotions get the best of me and prevent me from "successfully" getting to the courthouse.
When you have to do something foreign and scary, or that makes you anxious, or that metaphorically "gives you hives," Hubski, how do you bite down and make yourself do it? Do you recite mantras to calm down before the fact? Take deep breaths, have a funny saying that helps you relax? And what do you do that makes sure you do exert all the willpower necessary to actually follow through?
Yrs in anxiety,
refugee
Fake it. Fake all of it. Imagine how OftenBen+ would handle such a situation. Imagine what a person who is comfortable in such a situation looks like, try to emulate that as much as possible. All of which would be easier if I didn't sweat like a whore in church at the slightest stress, but it's the best I've got.
I do something similar to this because I'm afraid to not live a full life due to a fear of failure. I make very impulsive decisions like moving across the country and then doing it again even though I didn't think either of them through. They ended up being some of the shittiest most worthwhile times in my life so now it's easier to convince myself to do things. Just have to fake it until it gets easier.
I feel that this is the best answer. It's not so much lying to yourself, more like making a game out of it, say pretending you actually are that confident person doing that confidence-requiring thing. Humor is an incredible tool. Easily mistakable for confidence :-)
I take heart in the fact that the actual event is almost always less painful than I expected it would be, and that I usually feel better off for doing it. I don't think that feeling ever goes away, but as I have grown older I find that I have less fucks to give, which can be a good thing.
I have really found that experience and exposure help me so much. I think I get overwhelmed by feeling lost, or that I'm in an utterly foreign environment. Going to court today was so much easier just because I'd gone to jury duty within the year before. As a result, if it's possible, I would really encourage other people who are nervous about a new thing to check out the site or building beforehand - I had a coworker who had to pick his son up from a new airport once, and so he drove to the airport and back a few days before just so he felt comfortable with the route. That's the kind of thing that I think can really help with the sort of anxiety I feel. Of course, as I mentioned, getting someone else to help you get to your destination or starting point has a similar effect.
Your comment reminded me of this picture someone made. Ugh. Hating imgur right now. Anyone recommend another easy image hosting site with an iOS companion app?
If you get a subpoena in a case that you don't believe you have any useful information to offer call the DA and schedual and talk to them well before the court date. You might have to go in for an interview but you won't have to waste a day (or three) sitting in the courthouse. The DA doesn't want to call you if you have nothing to offer
It wasn't a conscious decision, but I slowly realised when I look back at the result of something I was worried about or afraid of, the results were (usually much!) milder that what your imagination tells you could happen. Once I fully realised that, anxiety just didn't have the same power - it becomes easier to manage. It doesn't magically disappear, it's just that the balance of control moves in your favour. That knowledge helps you increase control too in a positive feedback loop. if you choose to let it. Sometimes the results are your worst expectations or worse than that. Still, even then when you reflect back on it, you can realise that you were also able to cope with those result as well. I think it's healthy to be able to reflect when things have gone badly in order to notice that you can survive and even flourish in those cases. Don't focus on the negativity, focus on your ability to overcome the bad situations. I'm not talking about extreme cases here like phobias or disasters, but the anxiety you talk about falls into this category I think. I read a great aphorism that sums it up. That's not an excuse to do stupid shit or things that are dangerous, it's just to encourage you to control your fear and not the other way round. To act in spite of your fear. When you are stood on the precipice of the future, paralysed by fear... jump.
I also agree with this. I mention in another comment that I find gaining familiarity with a place or situation, even if it's not exactly like the experience that's inciting current anxiety, is something that really helps me. I think that is related to what you are saying here, being able to recognize that your anxiety is much bigger than it needs to be for what you are about to embark upon. It was so much easier going to court yesterday after having served jury duty, I can't even tell you. And jury duty was a good 1st experience with court because I knew I was one of dozens being called that day and every one of them was probably just as unused to the process as I was. Plus there isn't the anxiety of having to testify, etc. I also want to say that, while I was really set on making it to court, deciding to use the experience as my #adayinthelife story probably was another factor which really helped me 100% get there and not once think, "Oh I could just miss this, it'd be okay." I went out with a mission, which was to observe and bring back information. There was a lot more personal motivation to get to court, as opposed to just external motivation (being called as a witness).
Get in front of a group of people and talk about something you love. I hate talking in front of groups, but the teaching things I do at the Library have made me not like it a bit less than before. I get nervous as all hell before, think about running out the door, but 10 minutes in I'm all good.
I can tell you what other people have told me, but I've never done any of it. Currently trying to force myself to take my first trip alone abroad( I think this is the wrong word especially when my goal is Canada). I'm terrified of the possibilities, of the things I can't control. I've begun to realize there is a lot of shit I can't control. The thing I've been trying to wrap my head around is that the story won't end when I get to the outcome of my current choice. I absorb a lot of advice and I'm still try to push myself even if its just a step.
I also used to feel like that - most trips I needed to know where we would go for the next three days, when and why because I felt that I needed to prepare for everything. But as I travelled more, I realized that when you know how it will all play out, it takes the excitement away. And there will always be things that you can't control. Travel is improvization. If everything is under control it's just a guided tour. Yes, it's scarier but it's so much more fulfilling to seize those opportunities. As long as you have a map, your phone and someone to call you'll be totally fine. Above all, try something. - Franklin D. RooseveltI'm terrified of the possibilities, of the things I can't control.
This is one of those things I know in the end as much as I am scared beyond my wits I just have to do it. This is usually what happens when I think about trips: I question what I should do and start researching it. I immediately shut the browser remembering that a planned trip is not a trip at all. In the end I never plan anything and ultimately don't end up going. What I figured I'd do is plan minor things like hotel and transportation then leave the rest to the wind. Some healthy balance between my need to be in control and need to experience life.
The problem with that is that you miss out on cool places and sights to visit. I grind through travel sites and try to find blogs written by locals to build a list of things to do. For example, I did a stopover for a few days in New York on my way from the Netherlands to Canada. I would've never found great views of the city, ultra-hip places, the best pizza or the architectural gems if I didn't do some research beforehand. But I had no plan on what to do when. For me travel is about being flexible and just having an awesome day. It's a balance that works for me. I immediately shut the browser remembering that a planned trip is not a trip at all.
Your post is actually one of the ones that most resonates with how I feel/what I think my anxiety is like. Foreign or frankly, even just new travel is always very stressful for me. Every once in a while someone suggests to me I pursue a job like teaching English in Japan but the fact is, I think I would have a really really hard time if I just picked up and moved to such a wholly different culture/country/place as that. And it's times of uncertainty and adjustment that often help seriously re-trigger unhealthy controlling coping mechanisms which I have had in many forms in multiple real ways over the years. I love being home. I love knowing what roads to take, knowing six different ways to get to the same place. All that jazz. Travel, on the other hand, is a lot of roiling stomach, getting affronted because I can't control the plane or train, feeling lost, and looking forward to when I can get back to my own space and be surrounded by my own things. Tagging ButterflyEffect because it ties into another comment I made a long time ago.
In theory it always sounds amazing. The idea of experiencing a world that I don't know anything about except from books. It's almost fairytale in design really when I think about it (Which I feel should concern me? Expectations like that are often met with harsh realities). I always question if maybe I'm terrified of possibly succeeding you know? It doesn't make sense I know, but part of me thinks about it.
For me, the anxiety came from believing decisions were binary: Right/Wrong. (Which is a very American way of looking at things.) After living overseas for a number of years, I learned from other cultures that even the most black and white decisions are actually shades of grey, and the "right" decision is a post hoc determination. All choices are equal until you make one. Then you deal with the results of that decision. Once you get to this way of thinking, no decision is Wrong. What you do afterwards makes the decision either right or wrong... or some shade in between. So it becomes MUCH easier to make decisions to do anything.
An interesting question. For me, occurrences like this are invariably a problem of mindfulness. Thoughts are tricky things because to the individual they are a concrete experience. I start thinking about a foreign situation, which at some point leads to thoughts of what might go wrong, which then ends up triggering actual feelings of anxiety. Suddenly, if I let things get out of hand, the simple act of considering a new situation has essentially activated a fight or flight response. After a while, like any well ingrained habit, this whole process is perceived as almost compulsory. And to some degree it is; one cannot stop or suppress thoughts through sheer power will. Nor should they try. It will lead to nothing but more suffering. They are the conscious brain's unavoidable musings on the stimuli it receives from the world. What you can do is choose which thoughts to entertain and how to respond to them. It's kind of like when you debate things in your head and are testing out answers on yourself. You're going through the arguments and in response to one you may inadvertently think something prejudice, racist, sexist, or something otherwise socially unacceptable. Now that's not a bad thing in and of itself. What's important at that point is that one assesses it, realises the thought is not socially acceptable and why, and dismisses it as invalid. What would be bad is if one accepts that thought as okay simply because it’s the one that cropped up. And then follows through on it some capacity. The same process is applicable to emotionally charged thoughts which arise when in situations like your post. A thought crops up in response to a stimuli. It is a thought which has connotations of anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. But just like the prejudiced thoughts, it can be assessed rationally. What is this thought? What is it a response to? Why? What influenced it? How is it making me feel? Is it rational? Why/why not? After this assessment one can ask themselves this question: Is it an acceptable thought/the thought I wish to have? If the response is ‘yes’ then follow the thought some more. But If the answer is 'no' then you let go of the thought and no longer consider it. It is a passing cloud. This whole process should ideally be as non-judgmental as possible, i.e. not judging the thought as positive or negative. It is a natural response to stimuli. This stops the process before it gets to a point where it makes you feel anxious. One does not have to follow it through to its conclusion. Of course, this is harder than it appears in writing. Thoughts can return or become invasive etc. This technique is generally practiced in session dedicated to mindfulness. But for me, this has been the key to overcoming my anxiety. And I was guy who would have 30 minute debates with himself about whether to accept an invitation to the pub. I’d like to write more but I’m at work right now but I’ll reply later if this helps at all.
Yeah, I've only recently realized that after putting some meditation youtube channels at night to help me fall asleep. After only a couple nights I felt a power to dissociate myself a little before the emotions floded in. As a highly sceptical person, it was powerful but I think I didn't want to acknowledge it. I've thought about it a bunch since then and I'll probably go on a 10/day meditation retreat when I come back from travels. Mindfulness and awareness of emotions is super powerful and I'd be a fool not to give it a fair chance while I don't have any real life obligations
There's a book called The Happiness Trap that is a wonderful and detailed primer for what you're describing. It's mindfulness based, but also research based and entirely secular. It has helped me dis-identify with my thoughts and feelings, which is really powerful.
So I'd like to ask you, in all honesty in your day-to-day life, how much are you able to apply this technique. As a long term meditator I'm genuinely interested. For me it's a hit and miss affair - being aware of your thoughts as they occur. I think there's an aspect that's habitual - you can train yourself to do it, and there are times where it's spontaneous, but I still find it a struggle. Of course, this is harder than it appears in writing.
Sorry about the delayed response, I've been away. I haven't mediated for about a year now so, as far as generally applying mindfulness consistently throughout my days is concerned, such moments are fleeting. I definitely agree with your observation of it being an habitual, trained skill. However, I did rack up around 60 hours of meditation over a period 18 or so months. As such, in moments of emotional overwhelm, I can quite consistently apply the aforementioned techniques to reground myself. For the time being, that's what matters to me. That being said, those spontaneous moments that you mention do motivate me to take up regular practice again. But there's always a resistance there for me, just to sit. Even when I remember the ultimately positive outcomes of it.
I have anxiety and I don't go to things sometimes and I stand outside the door and vacillate between going in and not going in But... I've been to some parties before and enjoyed them. And I've been to interviews and some of them have even been interesting and constructive. So I try to look back at those times where I have had nerve-racking experiences and come out the better for it. Have you ever done something stressful, but afterwards thought "it was kind of an awful feeling but I'm glad I did it"? I think with anxiety that is sometimes the best you can hope for. Learning to perversely enjoy those oh-shit feelings and laugh about them after is a real help. But I agree it's super hard!! Yrs in anxiety, rjw
Yes absolutely, and sometimes I remind myself of having felt that before when I am dealing with a new situation/new anxiety, so I totally get what you are talking about here. It helps to remind yourself that you have done similar things or battled similar nerves before, and it turned out that it wasn't even half so bad as you thought it would be."it was kind of an awful feeling but I'm glad I did it"
Your brain is not doing the right thing. Deliberately with a lot of effort he try to ruin yourself. Consider he is your worst enemy. He might be tempting, cause his an efficient arch-villain, but he is not doing you any good. In brief: Attribute your internal justification to someone else. Someone REALLY don't want you to make friends. Let's see about THAT!
I realized at one point that most of the anxiety comes from not having a goal. I know myself well enough to say that I'll turn mountains over if I find a goal worthwhile. With that in mind, I motivate myself with things like "It's good for me" and "I want this". I have to remind it to myself because it's not the default mode of mine to jump to what's best for me: mine is that of the least resistance; I have to remember - and be reminded at times - that best things cost effort and time, and it's the best things that I want. Maybe it has something to do with "having life figured out". I've heard it enough to know that it isn't a localized sentiment, but what is it is still beyond me. And yet, it seems to me that knowing one's place in life makes one so much more powerful - even though the reality is that we're already as powerful as we get, we just don't realize it. The power that we feel is a feeling, not a state. Imbued with that feeling on several occasions, I remember doing great stuff and feeling great overall. Maybe figuring out life is about finding a place for yourself, knowing where you belong, what you want and discarding the rest.
I think I mentioned this before, but I've been obsessed with rollercoasters since elementary school. Like all good obsessions you don't really know where they come from or where they will take you. The problem was, however, that I was too scared to actually ride any big rollercoaster. Part of me knew they surely were fun, but big rollercoasters are literally machines of fear which kept me from trying to conquer it. So my interest waned until I left high school and got my hands on two tickets to a nearby themepark. I knew that if I went alone I wouldn't be able to do it, so I asked my best friend to come along for support. I was nervous about it the entire morning. But I slowly moved closer and closer, I took my time. In the end, what worked for me was just taking the challenge on bit by bit. Everything becomes more manageable in smaller pieces. In the end I rode it like five times that day. Since then I've taken every opportunity to go on bigger and scarier rides.
I was the same with trains! Constantly read books about trains as a child, scared shitless when they actually went by. They are so loud, even now I get slightly on edge (doesn't help when I'm taking the central line and in order to get in the train, I have to stand about half a metre from the edge of the platform - I always lean back slightly).